My husbands emotional infidelity online

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
My husbands emotional infidelity online
13
Sat, 04-12-2008 - 5:30am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 04-12-2008 - 7:39am

Hi gurl4masia,
Yours is a sensitive topic and I'm not sure quite how to respond. I will try to address the reality of your situation without seeming rude so I hope you will forgive me.

Here are a few thoughts and questions I had while reading your post:

I can't help but wonder what an intelligent woman living with your situation sees in this particular man in order to choose him to marry and continue to live with. Isn't a guy like this the exact opposite of what you need?

-Four and a half years is not a very long time to be married, when was it that he started having emotional affairs?

-If your time here is limited then I imagine one of your most important roles right now is making sure that your children will be provided for in the future. If your husband is doing absolutely nothing right now, doesn't this seriously worry you?

-WHY is he so "wonderful" if he can't lift a finger to help you and instead cheats on you with other women? That describes a man who is in NO WAY "wonderful", it describes a man who is fundamentally flawed when it comes to being able to maintain a family and relationship. In one of the other threads we have a post where men and women describe what they think is a "real" or "good" man. I think a real man is someone who will INNATELY feel compelled to protect, provide for and care for his family starting with his wife before all others. His excuses are not good enough and I do not believe them.

-Do you feel sometimes as though you are with him because it is preferable to being alone?

-How much help do you receive from your family and what are you doing for an income right now?

-It occurs to me reading your post that your husband may be depressed. But that idea is overwhelmed by my personal opinion that it's a waste of your time hoping or waiting for him to change if you were able to get him into a therapy of any kind. There is no drug that will make someone want to help you when he doesn't want to.

I'm so sorry for everything, my heart really hurts for you because you deserve a better life than this right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Sat, 04-12-2008 - 1:12pm
OK. So you know what you're dealing with. This is who he is. How about looking at yourself instead since you can't change him. What is it about you that accepts this behavior? Why do you forgive him time and time again? Why aren't there consequences to his actions? Where are your boundaries? If he or anyone else crosses the line with you, do you always feel that you deserve it...at some level?
Your first step is to stop spying on him. You know what he's up to, that he lies and starts up again. That's given. You can't change him, but you can make decisions around yourself. You can do things to address why exactly you're in this marriage/relationship that you yourself acknowledge lacks partnership and intimacy. You can invest this time that you're worrying about what he's doing or not doing, into YOU and the kids. Maybe you're relying on others to make you happy when the trick is to make yourself happy. He may never be able to give you want you want...it's painful to give up hope. It's even more painful to sticking it out even longer for more of the same treatment. YOU can change the dynamic of your relationship by working on your own issues.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Sat, 04-12-2008 - 3:59pm

I cant say much for your husband's character because of what he is doing while you are terminally ill.


If it's all about him and he does not contribute anything to the home, the relationship or enhance the quality of your life then you can either try to work things out in therapy or agree to split.


Why does he go online pretending to be someone else?


He doesnt see the need to change because this arrangement suits him just fine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Sat, 04-12-2008 - 6:51pm
Hey everyone thanks for all your opinions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 04-13-2008 - 6:28pm

Welcome to the board gurl4rmasia,


I feel so bad for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Mon, 04-14-2008 - 4:48pm
I'm really sorry for your situation. Cancer is very hard to deal with (I'm a cancer survivor). It is stressful for everyone around you, but you're the one who is ill and who needs to be stress free and nurtured. For me, cancer put things into perspective. This is stupid; this is worthwhile. I can invest in this relationship; I need to pull away from this one. When you're dealing with radiation and chemo, you HAVE to put yourself first.
So to answer your question, I feel even more indignant about his behavior after your elaboration. There is NO JUSTIFICATION for his behaviors, period. I don't care how stressed he is, it's not acceptable behavior. As for your reasoning that he's great when you're on lighter subjects, who cares? It's easy to have fun...it's when the going gets tough that people show their TRUE selves. When it got tough, he turned AWAY from you and went somewhere unhealthy. He not only disrespected you and the online women, he disrespected his own self.
My H is a sex addict so I know how damaging the net can be to a relationship...and I'm telling you that we faced cancer and the death of a child and he never slipped into his addiction because he was stressed. He's achieved 22 months of sobriety throughout the very worst things that a person deal with. I'm not saying that your husband is a SA, too, but only that people don't have to be destructive or sabotaging when they're stressed. If anyone's stressed, YOU are! But you're not flirting with men online are you? You deserve better in this life. That's why I suggested that you focus on your own issues. I think it would be a good thing for your to analyze why you put up with this. Is it truly better to be with him that to be by yourself?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 4:36am
Hi I agree with your comments about the fact that he has a problem.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 1:18pm
Honey, I'll light a candle for you this week. _I_ care about your well being.
I totally agree with you, if you were left with the week only, why waste it on tears for him? I think walking away from him is the best thing. Is there anyway that you can call your attorney and set up everything so only the children get things?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 1:22pm

::He tells me stuff when he gets angry like " Why don't you just f**** die" and stuff like " I dont need you so do whatever you want".

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 1:37pm

I am absolutely speechless.


I'm so sorry to have to say this, however, if your H is the beneficiary on any life insurance; please, please change that immediately.


Carrie is right about getting rid of the negativity.

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