My insecurities Please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
My insecurities Please help
9
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 9:32am
I'm sorry if I am posting this in the wrong place but I would really like to get a female's point of view on my problem.

My girlfriend and I are in a wonderful relationship. She is 6 years my

junior, something I always liked and something we would always use to tease each other about. It made me feel like it was something we have that we've never had with other people before. I'm 28 and she is 22. For example I would say something like, "I remember watching this particular TV show back when you were in diapers" or something playful like that. Or she would call me her, "Old man".

However, last night the topic came up of our sexual history and she stated that she had been with a man that was 17 years older than her when she was 20. I felt humiliated, as if something we had was just taken away. She says she told me that at the start of our relationship but I don't remember hearing anything like that. We've only been together for a few months, I left a 7 year relationship with someone to be with her. She IS the one.

However, I got really upset and felt like every time I had joked about our age I was looking and sounding like a complete schmuck.

Do I have a right to feel this way? I don't want to hold her past against her but I always want to know things that I know are going to drive me crazy.

Any advice or reassurance you can give me is greatly appreciated.


Edited 7/13/2004 9:34 am ET ET by aubrey_hemler

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 10:40am
aubrey...

You DIDN'T ask for a male's point of view...but do you mind if Pianoguy tosses in his 2 cents?

First...it's wonderful to be loved and admired by a lady who is 6-years younger than you. And while you can tease about time references and age differences, there's something you should remember.

You weren't the 1st MAN she was intimate with. And whether there's a 17-year difference or a 17-month difference...you can't alter it nor change her past sexual history. When a man and a woman begin a new relationship, the idea is to focus on each other. Why waste time going through 'earlier chapters' of each other's life?

Ask yourself this? Are you HAPPY with this woman? Does she make YOU happy? Do you want a life-long marriage or relationship together? If you can honestly answer YES to each of these questions...then STOP ACTING LIKE A BABY AND DROP THE AGE ISSUE RIGHT NOW!

If you spend your entire life trying to analyze and figure out "what she's really thinking" when you make a remark or age-related gesture---you probably will become very paranoid about ANY WOMAN!

Having said all of this....give that lovely 22-year old lady of yours some roses and a very long hug!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 10:51am
Hi Pianoguy

Thanks for the reply. If I can make another confession...

There have been times when, during lovemaking, the image of her with other men pops into my head and I'm unable to finish. I really don't know how to stop thinking about these things, people have told me I am going to kill the relationship and drive myself absolutely crazy. I feel I'm doing just that. And it's not as if she's been abnormally sexually active in her past.

Why do I do this to myself? How can I stop?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 11:17am
Hi Aubrey!

The way to stop is easy. Focus on the fact that the lady is in love with you...and there are some wonderful traits that you have that turn her on! Besides...the two of you wouldn't be sharing a bed together if there wasn't some sort of...err...chemistry, right?

GET PAST THE PAST!!

Remember---you aren't and can't be responsible for anybody's behavior...except for your own. I hope you can realize this and learn to R-E-L-A-X a little more?

Pianoguy (who would love to be in a situation that's similar to yours)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 11:21am
I am new to the board, but I thought I might be able to offer some help with your question. I am a woman in her late 30's that is getting married for the first time, so I have a bit of a different perspective. If she is "the one" then all of her life experiences have made her the woman you love today. The same holds true for you. The good, bad, and ugly of it is sometimes you have to kiss a few toads to find your prince. I was looking in the newspaper the other day at marriage license filings and they listed ages. There were people in their 80's getting married. I am sure they have had some type of love interest somewhere along the line. I also read licenses for women marrying men 12 years younger. The point is there are no rules about what works for anyone but you. But if you love her, it will be fine. If you don't, then it will be this or one of many other things she does/has/doesn't have which will let you know to it is not right. When you find the one to love, it all works out. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 11:22am
While, yes, I do consider myself lucky to have this woman in my life I can't help but feel like I'm drowning in my own insecurities.

The more I think about these things the sooner I'm going to be the next guy in her past. I feel like I'm working my way right up to some sad self fulfilling prophecy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 11:54am
aubrey...

Unless you can become secure "within yourself"---there's NO WAY you can expect other people to share your life. Ask yourself whether being alone...or with somebody else...is more important? Once you arrive at an honest answer...you'll know how to proceed.

Best of luck...

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 1:32pm
So basically you are your own worst enemy and you need to learn to talk back to those negative thoughts. You are NOT LESS THAN because of anything she's experienced or done. You feel less than based on your perception of the situation and how you feel about yourself. Therefore, you have to address the insecurities within yourself.... how about short-term counseling?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 3:03pm
Perhaps counselling is what I need.

I feel like something I had, a concrete example of what makes us unique and special, was taken away from me. She is blaming herself, saying she did something to hurt me and she is very upset.

I don't know what to do to help mend the situation right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 4:23pm
Have you shared something special with someone else? What if she was worried about what you shared with someone else?

I can relate in a way. I've been to Hawaii, my boyfriend hasn't. He expressed concerns about going though we have been plenty of places that he's been with other people. We talked about making 'new memories' together in those places. It doesn't sound like she shared the same joke(s) with the other guy as she does with you and that makes it special.


Carrie