My jealousy is ruining my marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
My jealousy is ruining my marriage
10
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 10:05pm
Hi- Well I guess my story starts with the fact that my parents are divorced and got divorced when I was 3- it was not a messy divorce and there was no fighting that I remember- I always thought myself lucky and that because it was mutual there were no effects on me- until I got married.. I am now 29 and have been married for less than 2 years. I have always been jealous- but honestly dated people who weren't worthy of my trust in the past. I met my husband- who is by no means perfect however is a very trustworthy person... until I saw some emails between him and a co-worker. She was flirting with him and his responses weren't flirtatious in nature- however that was all I needed to begin my obsession with distrust and snooping. I have followed him, looked through his phones- read emails... anything you can imagine. He swore a million times that nothing happened and he shouldn't have even talked to this woman (who ended up having an affair with another man at his job). I felt she was a trouble
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Wed, 09-10-2008 - 2:46am

This could just be how you are and the way you were when you were born.


I am territorial by nature and I probably would have been uneasy about the coworker too and probably would have had discussions about it.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-10-2008 - 11:09am

Jealousy can be deep and painful. Of course this can relate back to your parents divorce, but it also relates to a fundamental lack of confidence in yourself. You may feel that he will naturally find other women more desirable and that you can't hold onto your man. When a woman feels really beautiful and desirable, the jealousy has less room to take over. It's also important to choose a partner who doesn't flirt with others and stoke the flames. Some men enjoy keeping women de-stabilized and feeling jealous. It's their way of having power over them. If your former husband is one of those, it might well be best for you to find another kind of mate.


As I see it, you need to work on your self esteem. Get in touch with what you have to give in a relationship and why he is so fortunate to have you. Work on your relationship with other women and feeling as good as the best.


If he wants a divorce, there is nothing you can do about it except to build up your own life, lessen this problem and eventually find a mate who

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-10-2008 - 11:33am

You may not be able to control your jealous feelings, but you can certainly control your behavior. Perhaps if you accept your feelings, and work on stopping the resulting behavior, your jealous feelings will diminish. You can stop accusing, snooping and engaging in compulsive thought patterms with the help of a good therapist, and perhaps medication. If your current therapist hasn't been able to help you do this, it's time to find someone else. You might consider seeing a psychiatrist for help,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 09-10-2008 - 12:57pm

Welcome to the board raeslp,


Since your gut feeling about her being trouble, it's only re-enforced that your snooping was/is the right thing to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Wed, 09-10-2008 - 4:33pm

"It's also important to choose a partner who doesn't flirt with others and stoke the flames. Some men enjoy keeping women de-stabilized and feeling jealous. It's their way of having power over them. If your former husband is one of those, it might well be best for you to find another kind of mate."


You got that right dr. shoshanna!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2003
Wed, 09-10-2008 - 4:40pm

I just wanted to point out one little thing:
the way to keep your man is not to accuse, confront, or discuss!
this is a terrible turn off for him.
if the guy is honest you push him away with your being 'undone' all the time, if he is dishonest you make him even less interested in you (or in correcting his mistakes) by making him feel guilty

the only way to get power and control back is to be absolutely cool, comfortable, and approach him with calm humor

Now, get whatever help you need (therapy, girlfriends, other man) to be able to master control over your own behavior (at least the observable behavior with him).

It sounds like he is honest and loves you. If you can manage to look calm and secure and deal with him with gentle humor, you'll see amazing results in a matter of weeks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2008
Mon, 09-22-2008 - 2:41pm
I completely understand what you are going through. I, too, had jealousy issues in my relationships. It almost ruined my current relationship (we nearly broke up one night over a fabrication in my head). I realized that I needed to take a closer look at myself and put a stop to my jealousy issues or I was going to lose my relationship which was wonderful otherwise (and I was jealous in all previous relationships when I knew deep down that I had no reason to be). First of all, I would not allow myself to snoop because if I didn't trust them enough then I shouldn't be with them in the first place. I also wouldn't allow myself to develop scenarious in my head or to even think that way. I think I thought that if I snooped and
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 09-22-2008 - 4:12pm

Thing is, he's NOT a flirt, is he?

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 09-22-2008 - 4:26pm

I thought this article, especially the example I reattached at the bottom, would help you.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Mon, 09-22-2008 - 4:54pm
I should clarify that i am not a "psychological therapist" but a speech therapist- many people have commented on how being a therapist I should know this or that...etc... I agree with just letting go, making a conscious effort and refusing to give into the temptation of snooping..etc... I completely think that its a choice I have to make- however the feeling that I have- that there is more than meets the eye..I think that comes from deeper. I know plenty of people who never have had that desire to snoop/spy/investigate- I always have- are you just born that way? Also- the one woman (again my husband is 26- this woman is 42) would yext him at night- asking if he was home ok, seeing how his day way... I just didn't think it was appropriate- nor do I now- nor will I ever. He has admitted that he should have told her to stop, and eliminated it... I just wanted validation that it is NOT ok for someone of the opposite sex, nearly 20 years older to be texting you at night, about non work related things!! For crying out loud she has a daughter in her teens... leave my husband alone- however I realize that my accusing him of "cheating" because this woman is desperate is not a good thing. I need to realize that I cannot control everything that happens.