My jealousy is ruining my marriage
Find a Conversation
My jealousy is ruining my marriage
| Tue, 09-09-2008 - 10:05pm |
Hi- Well I guess my story starts with the fact that my parents are divorced and got divorced when I was 3- it was not a messy divorce and there was no fighting that I remember- I always thought myself lucky and that because it was mutual there were no effects on me- until I got married.. I am now 29 and have been married for less than 2 years. I have always been jealous- but honestly dated people who weren't worthy of my trust in the past. I met my husband- who is by no means perfect however is a very trustworthy person... until I saw some emails between him and a co-worker. She was flirting with him and his responses weren't flirtatious in nature- however that was all I needed to begin my obsession with distrust and snooping. I have followed him, looked through his phones- read emails... anything you can imagine. He swore a million times that nothing happened and he shouldn't have even talked to this woman (who ended up having an affair with another man at his job). I felt she was a trouble

This could just be how you are and the way you were when you were born.
I am territorial by nature and I probably would have been uneasy about the coworker too and probably would have had discussions about it.
Jealousy can be deep and painful. Of course this can relate back to your parents divorce, but it also relates to a fundamental lack of confidence in yourself. You may feel that he will naturally find other women more desirable and that you can't hold onto your man. When a woman feels really beautiful and desirable, the jealousy has less room to take over. It's also important to choose a partner who doesn't flirt with others and stoke the flames. Some men enjoy keeping women de-stabilized and feeling jealous. It's their way of having power over them. If your former husband is one of those, it might well be best for you to find another kind of mate.
As I see it, you need to work on your self esteem. Get in touch with what you have to give in a relationship and why he is so fortunate to have you. Work on your relationship with other women and feeling as good as the best.
If he wants a divorce, there is nothing you can do about it except to build up your own life, lessen this problem and eventually find a mate who
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
You may not be able to control your jealous feelings, but you can certainly control your behavior. Perhaps if you accept your feelings, and work on stopping the resulting behavior, your jealous feelings will diminish. You can stop accusing, snooping and engaging in compulsive thought patterms with the help of a good therapist, and perhaps medication. If your current therapist hasn't been able to help you do this, it's time to find someone else. You might consider seeing a psychiatrist for help,
Welcome to the board raeslp,
Since your gut feeling about her being trouble, it's only re-enforced that your snooping was/is the right thing to do.
"It's also important to choose a partner who doesn't flirt with others and stoke the flames. Some men enjoy keeping women de-stabilized and feeling jealous. It's their way of having power over them. If your former husband is one of those, it might well be best for you to find another kind of mate."
You got that right dr. shoshanna!!
I just wanted to point out one little thing:
the way to keep your man is not to accuse, confront, or discuss!
this is a terrible turn off for him.
if the guy is honest you push him away with your being 'undone' all the time, if he is dishonest you make him even less interested in you (or in correcting his mistakes) by making him feel guilty
the only way to get power and control back is to be absolutely cool, comfortable, and approach him with calm humor
Now, get whatever help you need (therapy, girlfriends, other man) to be able to master control over your own behavior (at least the observable behavior with him).
It sounds like he is honest and loves you. If you can manage to look calm and secure and deal with him with gentle humor, you'll see amazing results in a matter of weeks.
Thing is, he's NOT a flirt, is he?
I thought this article, especially the example I reattached at the bottom, would help you.