My M is over just need strgnth to tell H

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
My M is over just need strgnth to tell H
6
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 11:56am
To try to shorten a long story I met my husband very shortly after a traumatic experience. I had ended a 6-7 year relationship with a man I lived with, then spent a few months alone before starting to date when I found "THE LOVE OF MY LIFE". My EX had been trying to get back with me and I told him that I had met someone. He had connections, through phone tapping, etc., he had a death threat mailed to "MY LOVE'S" PO Box 3 hours away, postmarked from "MY LOVE's" Hometown. It stated that he must drop all contact with me or that this person and his "associates" would be up there to kill the children and parents of this man. It was horrible and a very serious threat. Of course MY LOVE got the police involved and MY EX was questioned, thing is....he's in the the law enforcement and had been for 20 some years. He did things so that nothing could be proven and he just ended up leaving with a smile on his face after refusing to take a lie detecter test. MY LOVE and I were completely crushed and were so very afraid after this letter was written that we saw no other way out but to listen to the letter and end things at once. Every so often we would touch base just to say hi and see how we were but I immediately jumped into this new relationship, looking for a way to feel safe and loved. The "NEW MAN" also lived away, a couple hours in another direction, he proposed pretty quickly and had told me about something from his past that I could forgive but was also terrified of people finding out about his jail time. We fought a good bit, didn't agree on much but also managed to enjoy some time together, so after awhile he said move to his house or it would be over. After 1.5 years my X that did the death threat was still stalking me and I couldn't call the police because he was friends with all of them so I decided to move and hope for the best, possibly a new start. Fighting was happening alot and I was considering just getting out while I was able and moving back home. I was on the Birth Control that you "Shoot" just B4 you have sex and that was working until one night I woke up with him on top and ready to finish up. That night I got pregnant. I was very upset knowing that it was the perfect time of the month for me to get pregnant and with the way things were going we shouldn't have stayed together. Well now I was pregnant and wanting to make the best of a bad situation, all the time knowing what I was missing out on because of what a perfect match Well now I was pregnant and wanting to make the best of a bad situation. I secretly called my love from time to time just to see how he was and fill him in. It felt so wrong to marry my current H that it took me until I was 7 months preg. to do it. The fighting just escalated with time and I've dealt with tons of verbal abuse and emotional blackmail. 2.5 years ago things were at an all time low & when I called my LOVE (secretly) on his bday we had a long talk. He never gave up hope that I'd come back to him but wouldn't tell me that as long as I was happy, but now he knew I was miserable. We never wanted to end and now that so much time has went by the X that did all the death threats is not anyway involved. I have done 2 years worth of soul searching and without a doubt, I would be getting a divorce even if the LOVE OF MY LIFE had not came back into my life. We both are workers, not couch potatoes, we love all the same things and are totally in love with each other we both know that the kind of love we share doesn't come along more than once in a lifetime and that every minute we are apart is another minute we've wasted of our lives. I had for seperation served to him and he went bullistic, This was about 6 weeks ago, 2 weeks later I cancelled the papers because now I'm legally able to file straight for Divorce and I am just going to have it worded irreconcilable differences. My lawyer had worded it as cruel & inhumane treatment b/c of the all night fights that have happened on a weekly basis I need encouraging words to get out of my situation and on to finally after 6 years reunite with the one, the only, LOVE OF MY LIFE. Our Daughter is 4 now and my H plans on fighting me for custody. Neither of us drink, drugs or anything illegal but he feels he will punish me for not loving him basically. I am willing to take 50/50 blame on the fall of my marriage due to the fact that it felt wrong to me from the beginning and I just went along & hoped for the best & didn't want to disappt my grandma in preg. & not married. Things did not get better & he's basically called me every name under the sun and even suggested at some point since I wouldn't wear my wedding ring....(b/c I accidentally left it in Florida, b/c my finger were swollen from heat and had to emergency fly home earlier than planned) that a ring I bought with my dad's inheritance meant that I must have slept with my dad...of course he's said it in a much ruder way. In his book I'm lower than whale poop. I'm evil for going to the lawyer without basically asking his permission or telling him that I was going. Blah Blah Blah. We now started talking to a christian marriage counselor but here's the deal. I dont want to do things with him, a.) b/c he's lazy, b.) because I've taken such a verbal beatin from him & c.) because I just dont really like him anymore. I dont want to sleep w/ him & on the rare occassion that we do, after the few minutes it takes him, I just cry myself to sleep and feel dirty. I have thus far been hoping to get a peaceful ending out of this how thing for the girls but I am busting at the seams to tell H once and for all that I AM filing for a divorce and to stand firm on it and do it and just let the chips fall where they may. Dr. S whats your thoughts, am I wrong for wanting to be happy & pushing forward to a beautiful, spiritual future?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 10:26pm

Welcome to the board dr19642007,


I'm not Dr S, hopefully she will respond.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 6:48am
Oh yes, I was in ic & she told me that what I was living with was Emotional & Verbal abuse & Emotional blackmail, 2 years ago I had enough & asked for a D & he said well I'll call your mother & tell her blah blah blah & I just backed out & felt helpless. Counseling has helped me a great deal and thanks for the welcome!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 2:36pm
What does your mother have to do with whether or not you get divorced?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 10:33am
It's just that anything that I've ever done in my teen years etc., he has threatned to
tell just to make me look bad in their eyes. He can't pick on anything that I've done in the past 15-20 years so he uses that. And I know my mother would still love me and
all but I still didn't want him doing that but at this point....I'll just deal with it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 10:44am
Good grief! The reason parents don't want teens to do things is because they're not ready, and the behavior they engage in could hurt them. You are obviously fine, so just tell your mother about your teenage craziness yourself, and get on with your life. Take away anything your soon-to-be-ex can hold over your head by announcing it first yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 2:14pm
Yeah, This weekend didn't work, dealing with my elderly sick aunt,
so hopefully, if she holds steady I DONT want to wait till next
weekend. I am having the neighbor girl babysit right after work
tomorrow or Wed. & h & I will get subs and go sit at the river and talk
and I'll tell him this is it come hell or high water.