My man cheated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2007
My man cheated!
6
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 7:40am

I've been with my guy for just over a year. We dont live together yet but were planning to rent together in September. The last six monthsrelationship has been so rocky ( we live about 100 miles away from eachother) we have been arguing all the time, and splitting up and then getting back together etc.

A few weekends ago I went outwith girls and gotwith this guy (only a kiss, it went no further) We had split up earlier that day. Then last weekend, I went out with the girls again, and he went out with his friends, he got absolutley wasted and then ended up sleeping with someone else, in his bed!!

I can't speak to my friends or family because I know they'll just tell me to leave him, but anyone that has been in this situation will know how easy it is to say that and how hard it is to leave! Do people just make mistakes like this?

He seems absolutley devestated by what has happened, he said he can hardly remember any of it, and seems truely disgusted. He said he thought we were over, and it was the biggest mistake he has ever made. He's even buying a new bed. I want to forgive him so badly, but I was so shocked by this, hes the last person that I thought would do that, I trusted him so much! He has never done anything like this before, he isn't even the flirty type!

I don't want to leave him, and he seems genuinley crushed by all of this, but am I just being blind in love?

Please help me

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: geohat
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 9:11am

I'm confused. You say he cheated. But he says he thought you'd broken up. Were you or were you not broken up at the time?

Also, I'd be interested to discuss what all the problems in your relationship are. What do you argue about and why aren't the problems resolved painlessly? The fact that you've recently kissed another, he's slept with someone else and you're continually breaking up strongly indicates that this is a match made in hell.

Do you realise that good relationships don't have constant arguments and break ups? Good relationships are calm and pleasant and a pleasure to be a part of.

You say that anyone who has been in this situation will know how hard it is to leave. But I have to disagree with that generalisation. Honey, only someone with low self esteem gets stuck in a bad relationship. Those people who know they deserve better move on quite easily.

I believe that the whole purpose of dating is to find Mr Perfect. And I don't believe in trying to fix a dating relationship which is broken. If a dating relationship isn't great, just cut your losses and move on. Don't waste time trying to fix it when there's so many other guys out there who may be more suitable to you.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2007
In reply to: geohat
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 9:53am

Hi

He thought we were over (apparantley) ... I never told him that.

When we are together we are so happy. He makes me laugh, he's kind and thoughtful and I couldn't imagine being with anyone else! We can only see each other at weekends, due to the distance, and although we really want to see eachother it's still nice to be able to do your own thing sometimes when you're not working... which seems to create tension, so then we agree to have a weekend apart and that just seems to make things worse!

it's not a case of low self esteem, i'm a very confident person, and have lots of friends. All I want to know is, would it be a bad thing to give him a second chance? he seems so hurt by what he has done... Or is it all an act??

xx

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: geohat
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 11:52am

I think that he's saying he thought you were over as an excuse. Also the drunkenness is an excuse.

What happens the next time he "thought you were over" or is so drunk he can't remember? Does this mean he'll cheat again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: geohat
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 5:28pm

You know him we don't.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: geohat
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 6:06pm

Geohat, you've sidestepped my questions. And painted a contradictory picture of the relatinship.

The most pertinent question here is WHY DID HE THINK YOU'D BROKEN UP? Have you questioned him along this line?

For example, was the last time you guys spoke full of anger and frustration? Did one of you say something hateful? Did someone slam down the phone or similar? Other posters are calling his reason a poor excuse...but based on your history of frequent fights and breakups, I don't think it's out of the question for him to have this idea.

However, if he did think you'd broken up, then him having sex with another was legitimate. So why is he beating himself up? It doesn't make sense.

Why did you kiss another guy? Just because you didn't sleep with him doesn't make your actions OK. I really don't think you can judge your boyfriend when you've been out doing much the same thing.

What about all these fights and breakups? There must be a lot more to it than 'tension' caused by being apart. At the very least, the two of you must be lacking some serious communication skills or have very different ideas of life.

I don't think the decision regarding a second chance should be based solely on his cheating (that's if it was cheating). You've also got to consider all these fights and breakups you write of. Just because a relationship is good some of the time, doesn't make it a relationship worth having.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
In reply to: geohat
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 8:08pm

Hi geohat,

I must admit I'm confused, as another poster is, about the status of your relationship at the time that he slept with someone else. You said,

"A few weekends ago I went outwith girls and gotwith this guy (only a kiss, it went no further) ----We had split up earlier that day.---- Then last weekend, I went out with the girls again, and he went out with his friends, he got absolutley wasted and then ended up sleeping with someone else, in his bed!!"

Were you or weren't you split up? Because if you were, then he wasn't cheating on you.