My Man is Impotent

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
My Man is Impotent
10
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 8:50pm

I will try to make this short and to the point. My friend and I have been dating now for about three years.

The problem is we have not had sexual intercourse. We both want to, but he has erection problems. He is diabetic, had open heart surgery, prostate cancer, and high blood pressure. In addition to all this he is also mildly hearing impaired. In spite of all of his health issues, he seems relatively healthy. He is very health conscious and works very hard.

He blames me because he is unable to get an erection. My husband was impotent before he died so I know that impotence is possible in his case. This does not matter at all to me. I love him still.

We are both retired. We both own our own homes. We will come to my house and mow the lawn and we go back to his house. I would be okay with this arrangement if he would agree to spend more time with me at my house. Sometimes he acts as if he does not want me out of his sight. Yet he is not affectionate at all. I am very affectionate. He does not like to talk to me on the phone and I understand that. He used to be affectionate and lately he has changed.

He voiced that blame the other day and just walked out of the house(his house) and left me. It was as if he was telling me to be gone when he got back. So I left him and have been at my house since. I miss him so much. I know we need to discuss the problem. But he refuses to be realistic about the sexual problems. I love him and I want him to understand it makes very little difference with me. I just want to be his girl. Now he is treating me as if he is angry because I left.

Please give me some advice on how to approach him in a positive manner. I AM NOT THE CAUSE OF THE PROBLEM. He is on several medications and he has serious health issues. Will he ever accept the fact that it is not my fault. That we are both senior citizens. He has serious health issues. This is a delicate problems (a man thing). How do I deal with this? Help me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 1:31pm

Welcome to the board sisterque,


You are correct. You are not the cause of him impotent. It is either his health problems or medication or a combination of the two. I don't know what he is blaming it on you, but it is probably because He is upset and embarrassed by about being impotent. You may not be able to get him to admit the that problem lies with him. I would talk to him a calm manner and tell him that you are not the cause and that he if he wants to fix it that he needs to talk to his doctor about changing medication or getting an ED medication.


Good luck to you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 2:00pm
I am curious. Does he blame you for other problems in the relationship? Does he treat you well?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 3:06pm

The next time he goes for a checkup, have him talk about the ED with the MD. He's blinded to the medical -> psychological reasons why he's having a difficult time because it's you telling him. No man wants his woman to tell him "it's ok" he can't perform. It's not okay with him, a man's most basic desire is to please his partner and to say it is is like taking pity on him, which will turn off any man and piss him off more. Don't ask me why, they just get like that.

I don't believe many things can make a man feel "less of a man" then not being able to perform sexually. I don't believe being overly "delicate" or "understanding" about it will help your cause with him, this is the most masculine of all traits, the ability to become visibly (and effectively) aroused. Think if your breasts just completely fell off. Guys are quite attached to their penises. He's in denial, and not being able to admit he has a problem, is taking it out on you. Unfair. Tell him to talk to the doc and then talk to you afterwards. Be nice, but be careful it doesn't come across as either pity or criticism.

Good luck,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 10:43pm

Does he treat me well?

He use to treat me so nice. Now he blames everything on me and get upset about trivial things that does not make any sense to me. He used to spend money on me generously. He has almost stopped. I am taking a break because the relationship was causing me lots of stress. We spent most of our time at his place which is nice, but I have a nice place too. We mow my lawn and go back to his house. He is so finicky that I now feel more comfortable on his turf with him than I do on my turf with him. So I perfer to go to my place for some time out.

He tries to belittle me in the presence of others and I simply will not take it. I come back at him. I am a very mild mannered person, hates conflict. But I realize he will beat me down mentally if I let him. I feel pretty good about myself and refuses to let him browbeat me.

I try to let him know I think he is a sexy man and he really is a sexy man. How can I
reach him and not make matters worse. I love him. I miss him and I want him back. But I will not let him abuse me in any way, mentally, physically or emotionally.

You are right. This is really a very delicate situation. I am so afraid I am going to blow it. I did talk to my doctor about our problems. He says the same thing you all say. I have vaginal dryness. My doctor suggested different gels and lubricants. The gels and lubricants work well for me. But he can not get an erection. What can I do. I love him so much. But I will not allow him to abuse me.

Thanks for your advice. It has been most helpful. But I am so scared. I don't want to make matters worse.

I welcome your comments.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 11:19pm

I suspected this wasn't just about sex. Why stay in a relationship where you are belittled like that? He is unhappy and blames you for it.

'I am so afraid I am going to blow it.'

It sounds like you are comfortable taking blame. This shouldn't be about you walking on eggshells. You should work together like a partnership.

Why have you been putting up with it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 1:24pm

Dear Gina,

You are so right. I have been gone for almost two weeks now. I miss him so much. But the mind games are something that stays foremost in my mind. I want to talk to him, but there is no guarantee that a change might be forth coming or permanent. He likes to debate and discuss. We can discuss and debate. He is outspoken, but sometimes he goes too far. Not just with me but with anybody. I perfer honest opinions, knowing the truth. But I try to temper what I tell people if it is not pleasant. I just don't like conflict.

Why have I been putting up with it? Gina, it started out so nice. We did a lot of fun things together. We do a lot of nice things for each other. We were both very affectionate. I referred to him as my soldier. We do a lot of traveling. He usually don't want me out of his sight. We made each other laugh.

By the way, he is a vietnam veteran. But lately he has changed. He is not as affectionate. I guess that is because of the erection problems. But this is really getting to me, also. At my age men are not very plentiful. As I said before, just kissing, hugging and being there for each other is enough for me. I have tried to show him that.

Please come back and talk to me. Everyones comments are very welcome. Thank you so much for making me think about the situation.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 3:50pm

Sadly enough you cannot change another person. If he persists in "blaming" you for his impotence problems, he is living in denial and is basically unhealthy. This is also abusive behavior and can certainly escalate, (as it seems it may have). I am very glad that you realize that you are not to blame for his problem. However, unless he is willing to face the truth, and accept his life as it is now, you are not in a good situation. When someone projects blame on another due to their own frustration or inadequacy, then, as I said, the situation often escalates and they find other ways to punish you as well. I would take a good, long hard look at what is going on here, and what you expect from him. Perhaps he may not be able to provide you with what you need emotionally as well as physically. If that is so, then you must ask yourself how long you wish to stay in a situation which

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 11:47pm
Here is the original post
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 12:32pm

There is as phrase going 'round from a popular TV show - "How's it working for you?"

So, how is tiptoeing around his moods working for you? I've been married for 49 years and found DH was reacting in the same way to the same problem. We had plenty of other problems and after a really bad time this Spring, I accepted that I had enabled him by putting up and shutting up for so long. Now, when he starts in complaining, I calmly answer back with what is the reality of the situation. My favorite phrase these days is "the world won't come to an end if -" (the counter has stuff on it, my mail is in a pile, my desk looks like a mess, etc.). I think he's beginning to get the idea.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 12:45pm

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First I'd want to know how long ago the heart surgery and the prostate treatment were. His body may not have fully healed yet.

I'd think that after this many severe medical problems, he may be depressed, he's certainly angry (with no where to vent except you) and stuck in a greiving stage dealing with his health.

If he has not been to the doctor to discuss ED, he needs to. With the high blood pressure, he may not be a candidate for Viagra, et al .

I think he need to talk to a therapist. If he won't , them maybe there are "support" group organized out of his hospital.

At the same time, you should check into "spouses/significant others" support groups through the same hospital - other's have faced this situation before and came lend a willing ear to listen or even suggest how help can be given.