Is my man for real?
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| Sun, 08-08-2004 - 4:30pm |
He's been married twice before and cheated on his ex-wife. He has justified that in saying that she cut him off and treated him like dirt and pushed him away all the time. He then got into porn really heavily, was in it since a young child with the JC Penny catalog women and the victoria's secret mailings he ordered in some made up woman's name to his apartment. He had posters of women in his room where his 5 year old daughter was exposed. He told me that it's not right for a man to fantasize about another woman if he is in love with his wife.
The things he tells me about how he feels now in our relationship, surely does not reflect on what he has done in his past. It's almost like he's perfect, except for the occoasional wondering eye at other women or magazines or movie covers, he tries to cover-up his attraction to those.
It's really strange because I know everything that's goin on around me. I notice his body language, his battering of his lashes when another woman is around that he may find attractive. His periferral vision is perfect, I noticed.
He has been cheated on by his first wife, then cheated himself, on his second. He tells me that he wants to marry me one day, then another day says that we are already married in his eyes and sees no need to get married at this time, maybe in ten years.
He knows clearly that I have no intentions to marry anytime soon. He has lied to me before about things, his mother told me of his past with women and money problems, and I caught him in many lies about that. He thinks that telling the truth all of the time can cause trouble that it's OK to lie about certain things. He thinks that since he kissed another woman and claimed not to have slept with her, wasn't cheating on his wife. However, when I mentioned if I had done that, the tables turned quickly.
See what I'm saying here? He seems perfect in treating me like a queen. Some of our views on morals are a little different. He's had a shady past with women and money. And doens't understand why I wont marry him at this time.
Do you honestly think I have good reasons not to marry this man right now? I do. I'm just asking for some back up, so to speak.
I really do notice every little thing that he does. Psychology is my hobby. I love to read and discover what makes people do the things that they do, however, I feel as if it has ruined my perspectives on relationships. I still think that men are pigs behind their woman's backs. I believe that if given a chance of me never knowing that he'd go back to porn and chats on the net with other women, just to boost his self-esteem, even though I boost it everyday for him telling him that I'm proud and that he's sexy, and always touch him and kiss him, and romance him. We like the same things, movies, collectors items, music.
It's really scary to think that I may never marry again just because I know too much about men, about my man's past and his behaviors now, and plus the fact that I have been burned twice in the past myself and in return burnt my own ex-hubby in return for burning me. Yes I cheated on him after I found out that he cheated on me.
I'm really confused as to why I pick out flaws, and dwell on his past.

I'll tell you, something is wrong here. Since I moved up here away from home with him around his parent's, they sure do show some resentment towards him for some things. Mostly them getting attached to the women in his life and then they vanish, and then it's the "he's no good with money" comment. His mother really, really, gets emotional when she talks about him and his past. More now with money instead of women, cause I told her off one day.
Two marriages, adultery in both, lies, money problems. That's a scary combo.
However, these past issues I have not yet seen in our current relationship. That's where my confusion sets in. I'm affraid that if I trust to get married, that the old bad habits will pick up again. It seems like these things happen when he is married, not when he's dating or just living with someone. Is it the fact that he may feel "comfortable" when he's married to the extent that he's too comfy? I'm not sure and so confused about that.
Plus I have three children who live with us and I am in college now to support myself on my own. I'm preparing myself for the future, not to rely on a man for financial support. SOmetimes, I think that I'm just too bitter, then sometimes I'm proud of myself for setting such high standards in a potential second husband. I surely have learned from my past mistakes. I'm just afraid that he hasn't once the I do's are said and he gets to feeling comfy around me. He still wont show his teeth when he yawns. He hides his flaws that he can, from me. I think we may be still in the "newness" even though it's been two years.
I agree that it is very strange that none of his problems come out until he is married. Maybe it is an issue of him becoming too comfortable and maybe he is bored. It would be enough for me to want to wait it out and see what happens after a few years of living together. Maybe it might have to do with him living with his parents. When he was married I assume he and his ex wives had their own place? Maybe without his parents around he slipped into some things he may not have done in their prescence. I am not sure if he was behaving this way when he lived with them but I am just throwing out some things to consider.
I don't think you are being too bitter and I also think it is a good idea to set high standards for the person you plan to spend the rest of your life with, especially the second time around. You do have children to consider here too and you also want them to have a good life as well. Be as picky as you have to be. Like I said before, if you feel uncomfortable about it then don't do it.