MY MAN WONT SHOW ME AFFECTION
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| Fri, 11-09-2007 - 1:38am |
I've been with my bf for almost 2 years. Young relationship compared to some of you out there, but I'm hoping that will be more reason I should expect some good advice. We're on the verge of breaking up. Problem is that he just isn't doing what it takes to make me happy. I'm a very loving affectionate person. I grew up in a household where we told each other every night I love you and there was always hugs and kisses thrown around. Fact is that he's just not as warm of a person as I need him to be. I definitely notice this in the beginning but I figured that as the relationship grew, his desire to show affection would just come along. Just seems so so natural to me. He grew up in a good family as well, however they are nowhere near as nurturing as my family. Nice people, just a bit cold. I understand that this is a big reason for why he is this way. My problem is that it's now really affecting how secure I feel in this relationship. We've talked it out many times, and I've made very clear what I need to be happy. I need to be told on a regular basis that I am loved, that I am special, important, beautiful, etc... and if not told, then I need his actions to send me those signals. He says that he wants to make me happy. But he won't do it. Everyone has those bad days when they need to be reassured by the person they love. On the days when I'm feeling like that, I'll hint that I need a little love, need to hear something that will make me feel good, and he'll just stay silent. He explains that he doesn't think he should say things just because I ask him to, that I should let it come naturally. But my problem with that is that his "natural" expectation of how much this sort of thing should be said isn't sufficient to make me feel loved.
Bottom line is: I have told him what it takes to make me happy. Why won't he do it? I don't think it is much of a change to ask for from a man. I do lots of things for the sole purpose of making him happy. Is it too much to ask for that in return? I think not.
Men, I really need to hear your input. What kinds of things are you doing to make your girl happy? Am I asking for too much? Is what I'm looking for out there?
Thanks for any help. I am so desperate for answers. I love him so much, and I have never felt so much pain. But I don't know what else to do. If I can't get happy with him, then I know I have to move on. Just don't want to regret it.

He doesn't do it because he doesn't go through every day constantly thinking "well I've got to tell my girlfriend she's beautiful and special otherwise she'll feel insecure"
I understand where you're coming from but I think the attention you're looking for sounds more like a mother-child relationship than equal partners. I think I've been where you are before, and discovered that it was because as a child, I was ALWAYS told that I was special and loved, so I got over the need to hear it from a boyfriend like I would have heard it from my mother. It helped a lot. It's nice to be told those things and he should definitely be saying "I love you" sometimes, but to have that need for specific verbal affection is more a reflection of your own insecurity than your desire for a close relationship.
"Bottom line is: I have told him what it takes to make me happy. Why won't he do it? I don't think it is much of a change to ask for from a man. I do lots of things for the sole purpose of making him happy. Is it too much to ask for that in return? I think not."
I think every woman in history have made the mistake of saying EXACTLY this. The fact is, you don't ask someone to change who they are for you. Life doesn't work that way. If you bring up your concerns to him and he doesn't change, it's up to YOU to accept it or walk away. There are so many men who would be 'perfect, only if...' or relationships that 'would be wonderful if he would just...' or women who think that the key to solving relationship problems is getting their guy to act the way they want them to. I'm sorry.. It seems your boyfriend just isn't as affectionate as you are. If he started calling you special and beautiful more often, it wouldn't be of his own volition, it would be because he felt forced to do it in order to make you happy.
I think the answer here is to look inside yourself and ask yourself what you really need from him. If what he's doing really isn't sufficient for you then I suggest you move on, because there's no point in sacrificing your happiness for someone who will never be able to give you what you need. And there are millions of guys out there who could fill your emotional need for this.
Your message to him is very clear and simple.
Everyone has their own way of showing love to another. As you say, he was not raised in a family which was very expressive or affectionate, and that is not his natural style. Basically, you are asking him to change who he is. It seems he cannot do it. It goes against his grain. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, but that he is unable to be someone he is not.
Of course it's understandable that you would want him to express himself more, the way they do in your family. However, he is not a member of your family. He is who he is. You say you love him. If you do, why not focus on what it is you love about him? Why are you together in the first place? Many people start a relationship, hoping the other will change. People rarely change, unless they go to therapy and truly need to work out their issues, unless they are personally in pain.
If you truly feel empty with him, as though you are not wanted and loved, then certainly you should not be with
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Welcome to the board llss2007,
Consider reading the book Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman together as a couple.
Welcome to the board llss2007,
If you say I love you first, will he say it back? If so, why you feel like you need to hear it than say it to him first and tell him that you need a hug.
I have a feeling that he feels you are nagging him about this and it is causing him to not what to make the changs. Maybe if you don't mention it for a while he will start doing more of what you need.
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I really appreciate everyone's input... I have a few things I'd like to respond to for clarification purposes, maybe it will shed more light on the situation?
I re-read my post and I realize it seems like I am asking for an insane amount of lovey-dovey attention. I actually am not. I really just am missing what I believe is a very normal amount of affection that a person in a serious relationship should reasonably expect. For example: My boyfriend was out of town on business for 7 days, just a couple weeks ago. While he was gone, we would speak everyday at the end of the day just to catch up, very normal. But I was purposely sitting back and observing to see if he would even once tell me that he missed me, or was happy to hear my voice, or was excited to come home, or that he even loved me. Not once was anything like that said the entire week he was gone. This sort of thing happens a lot.
Another point I wanted to touch on: When I say "I love you" to him he will never say it back. Ever. He just smiles, or says, thanks, or something. That's a very awkward feeling for me. When I ask him about why he acts that way, he again explains that he doesn't feel like he should have to say it in return just because I said it because then it's not real. What I can't understand about that, is that it's not like just because he says it in return to me saying it, does not mean that it's a total lie. Supposedly he actually does love me. So it's not fake, as he claims it would be. It's just a very nice feeling to have someone reciprocate an expression of feeling.
In regards to whether you can change a person or not: I am so supportive of everything in his life. There is a lot that I had to adjust to when we got together but for me it was no problem because that was me doing my part to make things work. I adapted to what was necessary. Aren't we supposed to be flexible in relationships??? Additionally, I have many friends in relationships who do things that are a bit out of their normal way of being and they do so for the sole purpose of making their significant other happy. I've seen people change religions, move to other states, quit smoking, etc... just to make their person happy. This is why I don't think I am asking for much. Just some more affection.
Obviously from everyone's feedback it seems like there is not much else I can do here. I feel the way I feel, and he is the way he is. I don't claim to know everything about love, but one thing I know for sure is that as time passes by, you always learn about the person in front of you. You learn what they like and what they don't like. And if you want to keep them around, you do less of what they don't like and more of what they do like. This is how I've approached him, and I've still managed to stay my own person. I am just looking for that in return.
If anyone has some burning issue they would like to make clear to me, I'd love to hear it. I'll probably be seeing him tonight for the big talk, so any last minute help would be great.
Again, thank you all for your time.
While I don't think you're necessarily unreasonable in your expectations of verbal praise, it's probably unreasonable from this particular guy. I think your need for affection is probably more than most (needing to be told you're "important" or "special" is a little bit weird, sorry), but nonetheless there are men out there who could fulfill this need.
The thing that bothers me about your update is that he never returns an "I love you". Does he ever say it first? HAS he ever said it?
Unfortunately a man who won't say "I love you" anymore leads me to believe that he doesn't.