Is my marriage over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Is my marriage over?
7
Tue, 03-18-2008 - 9:31am

Hello everyone, this is the first time I've ever started a discussion but I find myself in a place where I don't know what to do. Perhaps someone can help me shed some light to my situation. I've been married for almost four years but I've been with my husband for eleven years. We have a three year old daughter and a one year old son who mean everything to me.


I started dating my husband when I was 19 and he was my first and the only man I've ever been with. To my opinion we have an OK sex life and its because he's the one who always limits that. At the beginning everything is so new and exciting so of course we couldn't keep our hands off each other but as many of you know as time progresses and now married with kids well sex life changes. He always has a slower libido and I'm always ready to go!


Since our daughter was born, things just were never the same. And I know we've all heard it before kids changes a relationship. But I really don't think that he changed because of the kids he was already showing signs while we were waiting. What my problem is that is normal or have anyone experience a cold shoulder from your husband when it comes to intimacy? Let me explain whenever I want to be intimate he's always tired, sleeping, headache you name it he's got it. If I want to reach and just be held, or if I want to cuddle or show affection he turns around giving me his back. If I want to kiss him he turns his cheek! If I want to touch him he pushes my hand off! What the hell is he gay? is he cheating? is he just not attracted to me? What gives, I don't know and of course I start to think he's cheating etc, etc, etc. I of course try to explain my concerns to him and says I don't know, nothing is wrong, no I'm not cheating!


I really just need your opinion as to what I should do? Is he cheating and if so what should I do to confirm my suspicions? Is he just not attracted to me and how do I know that for sure other then him not wanting to have sex? Is he gay? I mean I really don't think so but you know I hear about men living double lives? What is it? Am I crazy to feel this way or is there some truth to my fears. ANYONE PLEASE HELP!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Tue, 03-18-2008 - 12:25pm
There's something definitely going on...he may be angry or resentful. He may be having an affair and feeling guilty about touching you. I think that you have every right to ask him to go to couple counseling with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Tue, 03-18-2008 - 12:55pm

Thank you for your advice. I've tried that but he tells me that's nothing is wrong and that's all in my head. I can understand when you say he has anger towards me. We have gotten into alot of arguments and I do have a bad temper so I admit I have said some mean things. But he's no angel either. One thing that comes to mind is that he's always telling me I don't respect him because I constantly insult him or call him names, but not to justify myself he's the same way. I don't really care if calls me a name but if I do it he takes it to heart...


I've tried to avoid to do this and see if maybe that's his way of punishing me? Which if it is he's only making things worst for us. I don't know anymore if I even want to keep fighting to save our relationship. I feel that we are more like roomates than lovers!! and the only thing in common is our children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-18-2008 - 1:54pm

A problem in the bedroom usually means that there are problems in the relationship outside the bedroom. If you deal with conflict by insulting each other and name calling, you only create resentment, and you resolve nothing. I think you need to either get counseling or buy some good books on fighting fairly and read them together. If you don't learn how to communicate effectively, and you don't learn how to resolve conflicts without hurting the other verbally, then these issues will follow you all of your life,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 03-18-2008 - 2:17pm

Welcome to the board jackien2004,


Nothing kills intimacy faster than resentment and fighting/insulting your partner.


Reading material to consider:


Five Love Language, Gary Chapman
Relationship Rescue, Phil McGraw


Ten Rules for Fighting Fair - http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlrelationsh&msg=28141.1


Ten Tips for Managing Anger - http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlrelationsh/?msg=28205.1


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Wed, 03-19-2008 - 6:14am
Maybe you ought to post on the mismatched libido board.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Wed, 03-19-2008 - 6:50am

My Name is Lynn, Im goin through basically the same thing with my husband only hes a trucker and goes from here wich is PA to California the state, we are growing apart because of past issues, but we cant seem to stay apart. this has been going on since the day I met him when I was 13 yrs young. Im 30 yrs old now. and we are thinking about getting seperatted, he wants to throw this marriage away but then get remarried and start fresh, I know in my heart we will always be together no matter what or who gets in the way. How do I Help us get closer again! How can I let him know he can trust me . That I wont lie to him anymore?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Wed, 03-19-2008 - 12:47pm
Well, I don't feel very loving to someone who calls me names and puts me down either. I think you could both benefit from a little couple counseling to get back on track.