Is my marriage over?
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Is my marriage over?
| Thu, 05-03-2007 - 11:34am |
Quick backstory... I have been married for 6 1/2 years, my husband and I love each other very much, but we have always had problems with sex. I don't really enjoy it, and he always thinks it's because I don't love him, which isn't true. We've tried sex counselling, and it helped a little, but I think there is some sort of an emotional issue with me that keeps me from being comfortable being physical with him. Six months ago, my husband was in a serious car accident, has been out of work since, I've been doing everything I can to help him, he is still out on disability, and was terminated from his job. This has caused a lot of stress for him, and me as well. I found out that he has been having an affair, which I think started before his accident, and lately he's been seeing her more often and talking to her daily. When I confronted him about it, he admitted to it, and two weeks after that, he told me he ended it with her. He blames my lack of libido and lack of emotion for his affair, and I can sort of understand why he did it, although part of me still doesn't understand how he could do it to me, and still claim to love me. He says he doesn't want to give our marriage another chance, he says he still loves me but he doesn't think that I can change. He doesn't think I can forgive him for his affair. I think that I can forgive him, or at least move past it, and try to find what is making me so cold emotionally, but he doesn't seem like he wants to give it the time that it needs. I understand that he is in a really bad place right now with his accident, but what else can I do to try to get him to work with me on our problems? I'm in individual counseling, he went to one meeting with a therapist, and decided that he didn't like it, and cancelled his next appointment. I feel like I'm bending over backwards for him, and he is just giving up. What can I do? Or is the ball in his court now?

Welcome to the board berthabear,
The only way you are going to be able to work on the marriage is if he changes his mind and decides it is worth working on. This isn't something you can fix, and the affair wasn't your fault it.
Yes the ball is in his court now.
Sorry and good luck.
glitter-graphics.com
Welcome to the board berthabear,
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Thanks for the responses. I have no idea why I haven't figured this out in 6 years. Part of it may be that I didn't think it was a problem until the last 2 years or so. I didn't know how to go about fixing it. We tried seeing a sex therapist, but it didn't seem to be much help and became cost prohibitive to continue (our insurance doesn't cover that sort of stuff). Before his accident, we were actually making more progress on our own, and I thought we both were feeling better about it. We fought a lot about the comments he would make to me about not being in love with him, and finding someone who excites me, but he always made the comments to me no matter what I said to him about it hurting me. Maybe that helped to make me more nervous about showing affection to him. It's not like I was sitting around masturbating all the time, or fantasizing about sex with other men, I just never got 'horny' and wasn't turned on by anything he did for me. We did have sex several times a week, and it wasn't awful, I think he just wanted more.
Maybe I'm naive (I see that now) but never in a million years did I think that our sex problems would lead him to another woman. I would almost understand better if it was just a physical affair, but it was a very emotional affair as well. He told me he never had sex with her. So I think there is something else to this than my lack of libido.
hi and i'm sorry to hear of your marital and family problems...you say you have "bent over backwards" for your DH...maybe what was needed was for you to simply give him more sex...i mean, barring a physical reason why one cannot perform, i can't understand what would be so difficult to keeping a spouse sexually satisfied...i know it may be easier said then done, and my opinion may seem rude or crude or as if i'm blaming you...i just was always confused by explanations of low libido...IMO sex, like so many other things in life, is often "practice makes perfect"...meaning just go for it, and hopefully, at best, you'll eventually become more receptive and aroused and at least your husband would be satisfied and sometimes thats arousing in and of itself, to be pleasing to a partner...seems to deny a spouse a healthy sexlife can obviously be traumatic to the marriage.
JMHO
honey