Is my marriage over?
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Is my marriage over?
| Sun, 08-01-2004 - 3:26am |
I have been married for over 8 years. My marriage has been wonderful and pretty calm. Although we have had our share of disagreements, we have never discussed splitting up and we have ALWAYs slept in the same bed. Just last week my husband basically told me, tears and all, that he is completely confused about himself and his life. The only thing he says that he DOES know is that he WAS happy, he loves me (although he doesn't know in what capacity) and he loves our daughter more than anything in the world. This hit me like a ton of bricks. I had NO idea! He's very sad and cries all the time. He's always been a person who wants to and tries to please others and now he said he feels as if he's lived his whole life for other people and he doesn't know what he wants. I know he's not happy at work and he has been stressed out a lot lately. He says I didn't do anything and he feels guilty for putting me through this. I can understand him questioning a lot of things in his life, but me? The relationship/ life we've built together? He says he doesn't know why. He moved out for a few days, but the impact on our daughter was such that he came back. Now that he's here we hardly talk. Whenever I walk into a room, he tenses up. He cries every time we talk. he doesn't look at me and i'm afraid to open up a discussion with him for fear of upsetting him or getting rejected yet again. I feel like I want to be there for him during this hard time, but at the same time I'm making myself suffer. It hurts me so badly to know hes not even comfortable around me. I feel like I'm constantly working toward a relationship which one of us doesn't even want. Any advice that anyone has will be much appreciated. I really don't know what to do. I feel like i'm having a nervous breakdown and he's oblivious to everything that's being destroyed within our relationship. I'm considering ending our living arrangements, but by doing that I'm fully aware I may be ending our marriage.

This is only a guess, but your husband MIGHT be going through "male mid-life crisis" right now?
While women are often "vocal" about their dreams, goals, desires and expectations...men keep a lot of these feelings bottled up inside. And suddenly...the day arrives when we look at where we are, what we're doing personally and professionally, and discover that WE'RE NOT VERY HAPPY with the way our lives are going.
And this IS NOT EASY for the people who love and support us to understand.
You might want to try and help your husband with a little 'professional counselling?' Of course, you'll probably have a difficult time convincing him to "talk things out" with a total stranger. . So perhaps a close friend or understanding family member can "refer" you to someone who can help your husband a little?
Pianoguy considers women like yourself...A WONDERFUL SUPPORT SYSTEM! Any woman who is willing to continue to love and stick by us...despite any setbacks we might be going through...clearly indicates that we've been "blessed" by the right marriage partner.
Try not to give up or get frustrated...but PLEASE convince your husband to "talk it out" with a profesional. Best of luck and good thoughts to you both from...
Pianoguy
i am so sorry for what you are going thru.. i agree with the other replies - and i am no doctor but it sounds to me like your husband is depressed (clinically depressed, not just stressed out or frustrated). when someone cries alot - it sounds like depression. I suggest that he starts by going to therapy for himself - to work out HIS issues, and he may very well need some meds to get him over this patch. after that - both of you could use marital therapy to help you deal with this "new" situation...
Before you change your living conditions, pause a moment and realize that your husband is badly, badly in need of psychological help. He is having a kind of breakdown. This is not your fault, nor is it his. But he Does require competent, well trained help to get him through this. He needs to see a professional psychologist immediately. Don't take what is happening personally. Get him the help he needs. If he had another illness, there would be no hesitation about going to a doctor. He needs to be guided through what is going on and helped in the sorting out process. He might also benefit from a mild anit-depressant of some kind. Explain to him in a kind way what is needed here. If he sense that you are not critical, do not judge him and do not make him guilty about this, he may be able to listen and get help. With the proper interventions, you will both know better what is going on and how to proceede from here.
Best wishes.
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