Is my marriage over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2014
Is my marriage over?
Sun, 08-03-2014 - 2:14pm

Hi all I'm new to this site and really need advice , Im 40 and have been with dh for 21 years and married for 14 we have 3 children aged 19, 17, 8 we got together and moved in together after 6 months and was pregnant within a year all planned , we have had a good 21 years together but my problem is that I don't fancy him anymore , I love him as the father of my children and he is a very good husband but I just done feel that way about him anymore we are more like brother and sister , I have never been highly sexed but we haven't had sex for around 6 months could even be longer and I'm not really bothered if I have it again with him but I do miss sex and imagine having sex with other people , my husband still loves me and finds me attractive and wants to have sex with me he's just given up as he knows I dont , we both work full time and don't see each other a lot we get on and he makes me laugh but the attraction has gone , I feel sometimes we got together too young and I missed out on partying holidays ect , i do wonder if the kids were around if we would still be together I just want some advice will the attraction come back ? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Sun, 08-03-2014 - 9:21pm

Is your marriage over? Not if you don't want it to be. Will the attraction come back? Harder to say, but you can work on that too.

Its appropriate that you posted on the Working On Your Relationship board because that is what you will need to do if you want to revive your marriage. A relationship is like any living thing, you have to nurture it to keep it healthy.

Right now your relationship is more about raising your kids and paying the bills and all of the routine and boring things. Do you make time for a date night? Do you and husband have any common interests? You need to spend time together without the kids doing things that you both enjoy even if its just a walk at the park. Its fortunate that your husband is still in love with you and attracted to you because he will likely go along with any date you suggest, just to spend time with you.

For how to revive the bedroom part, its important to remember that a lot of the sex drive starts with your brain. Women often need to feel the emotional connection to want sex, so maybe if you can bring back some of the affection your interest in sex with him will increase. That might just need more time having fun together. Maybe reading erotic literature, watch a steamy movie with him, wear lingerie that makes you feel secretly sexy, there are probably lots of things you could do to become more interested in sex. Have you discussed the lack of libido with your doctor? Sometimes its due to medical issues and your doctor might be able to help.

Bottom line, you CAN bring back the spark to your marriage but it will require effort.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2013
Mon, 08-04-2014 - 8:56am

If you are friends with your husband than work on the sex thing. You have 21 years into this relationship-don't give up so easy. It's not like you are fighting or someone is cheating. There is great potential in your relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Mon, 08-04-2014 - 9:39am

After my divorce, I was single for a few years and went out dancing a lot with girlfriends. It was briefly fun, but the men who frequented those places were a toxic pool of players and perverts. It started feeling like a shallow existence. If you left your husband, you're in for a rude awakening. To find a good man, it's like sifting through sand to find the treasure. In my experience, there aren't that many good ones available. Men who want a long term relationship are already in one. You have to be at the right place at the right time to catch a long term kind of guy if his woman has cheated on him and he dumped her, or he's a widow, which has it's own problems if he hasn't healed.

Think about why you don't want to have sex with him. Do you have any anger issues with him? Does he pull his weight with the kids and with chores? If he's fine, then it's up to you to reestablish the emotional connection you once had with him. Give him a foot or back rub. Buy massage lotion and he can give you a body massage. Go to a couples store and buy new stuff to use in the bedroom. You mention holidays. Can you save enough to take a mini trip not too far away, say a couple of hours, for a long weekend? Trade babysitting hours with another couple or hire someone. Write a sexy note on the bathroom mirror. Leave a love not in his pocket. Dress up and go dancing with him. Take dancing lessons with him. Go hiking, bicycling, walking together. When you sit on the couch and watch televison, hold hands. Give him a long kiss on the lips when you or he gets home from work. Hug him a long time. Buy him a small gift. Cook together. Plan a date night and then tell him it's his turn to plan a date the following week. Challenge each other to come up with things besides dinner and a movie.

You might not be feeling it at first when you begin, but over time maybe you will. He should be responding and seeing you in a new light and start doing those nice llitte things as well, which can only be good for the relationship. I wish you the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 08-04-2014 - 10:35am

I think in a long term relationship it's natural for the attraction not to be as strong as it once was so you do have to work on getting that back, as the others have said.  I think since you find that your DH is a good guy and he is still attracted to you it would certainly be worthwhile to try.  I remember going to a therapist because I was having sexual difficulties in my 1st marriage--the therapist said to have sex whether I really wanted to or not, because just the act of having sex and hopefully enjoying it makes you want to have it more.  I think when you go a long time without it, you get used to that reality and forgot what it could be like.  I'd suggest a weekend away for just the 2 of you to try to rekindle the flame.

You think that you missed out on things by marrying young and maybe you did, but the past is something you're not going to be able to get back even if you get divorced.  You're not going to be a free and easy teenager again with no responsibilities--you're going to be a 40 yr old mom of 3 kids, trying to juggle time with your yougest one at least with dating.  As someone who has been divorced twice (once my idea, once not) I would not recommend it unless the marriage is intolerable.  If you are still good looking, you will probably be able to get dates, but there is always baggage--maybe the guy will have kids too and you'll have to work around both schedules.  Then you always have to wonder why he got divorced--did he do something bad?  I don't think a lot of people are straightforward about what they did to make the marriage break up--it's always the other person's fault.  You might have to deal with an unhappy ex-wife and the guy will have less money because he'll be paying child support.  Or the guy who is thrilled to get out of a bad marriage is not going to be anxious to settle down again right away.  so unless you are satisfied with being single for a while, maybe forever, don't rush to get divorced.  I mean, it does happen that people find a 2nd spouse that works out better than the first one.  But I always say to people who are thinking about divorce--would you still want to get divorced even if you were single forever?  My 2nd marriage was so bad, that I never regret the divorce and I don't care that I'm single--I mean I'd like to find someone but being single is so much better than being in a really bad marriage.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 08-05-2014 - 9:23am

You have two things working against you right off the bat that I can see. You got shacked up too young and are right in the midst of child rearing.

You have been with the same person since you were 19. I don't know how much you dated previous to that, but probably not much. You see many people that start out that way, at some point later wondering if they have missed out on things. They never had time to party, never had time to date many people, never had time to just have fun and be free. So people sometimes feel like they want to finally live some of the life that they never got to have.

Children can throw a wet blanket over intimacy and you have 3 of them. I'm sure they keep you exteremely busy. Many couples finally come up for air when the kids graduate, move out, etc, and they look at each other and find they have nothing on common, the kids were holding it together. Over the years they had grown apart, which happens more often the earlier and younger they got together.

As the others have said, long term relationships don't just grow without water like a weed. They need care, and nourishment and you have to work on them. There doesn't seem to be anything terribly wrong with your marriage, or with your H. You just have gotten bored with him. Your marriage certainly seems like its worth a try to save it. Maybe one problem is that your H knows nothing about this? Doesn't know of your concerns. Although if it has been 6 months, you'd think he'd be asking a lot of questions. So its tough to bring something like this up to someone, but it sounds like you two have a lot going for you and maybe it can be saved.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 08-06-2014 - 5:55pm

In many ways your story is the new typical.  21st century living has the  baggage of yesteryear with it.  Many people in  relationships forget to water the grass so it dies.  To get it back you must water it.  Think Of Quickies.  Think about the pleasures of sex; realizing that sex starts in the brain and no where else.   If your H has  stopped asking then you initiate. Every display affection is a help, then stolen kisses,remember his pump needs to be primed as he is used to no for an answer.  His mind will have to shift gears and will be like Charlie Brown and Lucy(if you are not a peanuts fan, lucy used to hold the football for Charlie then yank it away as he was going to kick it causing Charlie to fall. and feel like a loser)  Many men will be wary of getting their hopes up so follow thru is needed.  You and H may have to sit down and discuss this to get on the same page.

Music's therapist is correct.