My marriage is in trouble...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2001
My marriage is in trouble...
10
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 10:25am

Ok ladies here's my situation, I really don't know where to go for advice...


Dh and I have been married for 5 years, together 6. We have 2 besutiful children and things are pretty good all around.


Our sex life was great then children came, twins. It died down as to be expected...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 12:59pm

Have you ever considered counseling? A marriage counselor can do wnders, but both people have to be committed to it.


I am no sex therapist, by no means, but sex does not define a marriage, In my opinion...Have you considered seeing your doctor, as maybe you have a medical condition- stress related, or otherwise.


Be patient, calm and keep your head up...


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 3:10pm
Unfortunately there is no easy answer. You have every right to say no. He has every right to expect sexual satisfaction in his life. And (I'm assuming) you're exclusive. So the only thing is compromise...you doing it sometimes when you don't want to and him not getting it sometimes when he wants or needs it.

I think we choose this loss of complete self determination because we feel that we are getting other positives in our life that make it worth the sacrifices, right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2001
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 10:44am
I will not tolerate a personal attack. I once again reported you to the appropriate persons,
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 1:11pm
Not to sound judgemental but it sounds like you are being a little selfish. He has needs just as you do. Sex is a big problem in a marriage if one partner wants it and the other doesn't. I think you should be greatful that you have a husband that will just rant and rave instead of seek sex outside of the home. He should take your moods and feelings into consideration but that can only go on for so long. I am understanding when it comes to the reasons one may not be into making love but there are also feelings of rejection and insecurity when one is denied. Maybe you two need to try and get away together or make up a shcedule for intimate play.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 1:21pm
I totally agree with you. I fully understand the feelings a woman gets after having kids. My sex drive lowered too. But now that I'm married to a great man, my sex drive is higher than ever. He sometimes is too tired to have sex and I want it every night except during my period, of course. When he denies me the sex I want, I feel rejected. Not that he's rejecting me, but it sure feels like it. I think the need some counseling and like you said, get the book out and schedule time for love and she needs to let him know ahead of time that she's not feeling well so he isn't pursuing a lost cause later in the evening.

Melissa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2001
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 2:01pm

Well you do sound a bit judgemental..however I do see where your coming from.


I am very grateful that he comes to me and not elsewhere, if he did go outside the marriage their would be no marriage so that would be a separate issue.


I understand the need. That is not my issue, the issue is that he throws a huge fit about it. If I don't feel well then that's my prerogative to say no. Believe me, I have "given in" on MANY occasions just to please him, I have made that compromise

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 2:10pm
From that perspective, you seem to be compromising just fine. Is he helping out enough with everything? That can be a factor. If you are taking on all or the majority of the responsability with your two beautiful kids maybe that is the issue and not his need for sex.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 5:12pm
SO he knows you're having sex sometimes when you don't want it? He's gonna believe it's pity sex and pity sex is bad sex in my book. My thought is to make him believe you want it when you're compromising and that way he thinks you're into it. I'm not saying this is a great way to approach it, but I'd hate my man to think I'm only doing it to shut him up even if that were the case.

Melissa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 4:34am
You need to fix your sex life now. Tell him how you are feeling. (it seems you've been pretty open with it already, which is a good sign) Try to figure out what the other stresses in your life are and how he can help eliminate those stresses. For instance, does it stress you out when the house is a wreck? Or when the kids aren't getting to bed on time? He can do things to help eliminate those stresses, thus making you more free to focus on yourself. Speaking from experience, once you get into the habit of having sex just for his sake, it's really hard to get out of it. He needs to learn that now that he's in a mature relationship it could take more than cuddling to get you in the mood. (and this may only be a temporary thing if it's taken care of early) Women need emotional stimulation as well. Sometimes a heart to heart conversation could be the stimulation you need. Keep working on it, and make him realize that his impatience is causing regression.

if you get him to meet you halfway and you still aren't feeling desire, there are some libido increasing liquids that you can buy at most adult stores. They contain some sort of minty substance and you put it on your clitoris. That was pretty good for me. But the most important thing is to make him take time to help you, and don't take his crap. If you don't watch out, soon you will subconsciously equate sex with his immaturity. i hope that helps you some.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2004
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 9:09am
I emailed you because I really feel we should talk, please respond if you didn't get my e-mail. thanks