My New Man Has a Woman Living with Him

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2008
My New Man Has a Woman Living with Him
18
Thu, 04-18-2013 - 3:27am

I met this great guy. We have a lot in common and enjoy each others' company very much. We make each other laugh and smile. He treats me so well. He takes me out to great places and buys me flowers and gifts. BUT... I don't think I can let the relationship grow because he has a very attractive woman living with him in his home. She is 18 years younger than he is and I am 10 years younger than he is. He told me he will never lie to me and I believe him. He is a good man. 

He met the woman 8 years ago in a support group for people that had lost loved ones to cancer. They became friends...later she broke up with her boyfriend she had been living with so she asked if she could stay with Jay and he said yes. She moved in as a friend and they have never had sex but after she had been there awhile he fell in love with her and told her he loved her and wanted to be her man. She said no, she could not be in any relationship at that ime. She was not ready but a few weeks later she had a new boyfriend.  Jay accepted that she did not love him and accepted her as a friend.  She has had  about  4 or 5 boyfriends I think he said during the 7 years she has lived with Jay.

He helped her get a better job with a much higher salary, he helped her through a surgery and took care of her as she healed like a nurse. He has a very nice home and he is a gourmet cook and cooks the meals. He has taken her to cancun with his daughter and son in law on vacation. She has a high paying job and has bought a house that she rents to someone while she continues to live with Jay. He said now that she has a good job she pays him rent but I am sure it is not much. Every year her mother comes to visit and stays from Thanksgiving to  late January or February in his home also.

She has been living with him for 7 years now. I have known him for 10 months. He says they have never had sex and he says he only loves her as a friend and he no longer has romantic feelings about her. I find it hard to believe. I believe him about no sex but I don't believe he no longer has romantic feelings for her. I want to believe him but I don't and that is why I am writing this here. If you were in my situation what would you think? What would you do?  Even if it is true about him no longer loving her in a romantic way it is weird to me that they live together for 7 years. I feel like they have bonded. I feel like he already has a wife but they just do not have sex. I think I am going to just be his friend and end the romantic thoughts we both have been having because I am very very turned off by him and his live in friend.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Thu, 04-18-2013 - 9:48am

Even if you had proof that they don't have a sexual relationship, I wouldn't continue a relationship with this man. They are too involved with each other and probably best friends. There is a different dynamic of opposite sex best friends. It's okay when you're young and haven't entered into a serious relationship yet. But once a person gets a significant other, it's hard on the relationshp when their best friend is someone of the opposite sex.

If you continue on in this relationship, you can expect that this woman will always be a part of your life. He will ask that she be included in holiday get togethers. He will probably speak with her on a daily basis. He will feel animosity toward you if you demand she move out. Never expect someone to change. Always pick someone who meets all of your major needs and doesn't have any major flaws or situations that you'd like changed.

Everyone has minor flaws, but this is a major one and should be a dealbreaker. If i were you, I'd high tail it outta there. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 04-18-2013 - 11:41am

The fact that he told you that he was in love with her would bother me because it sounds like he is still in love w/ her even if he has accepted that she doesn't want a romantic relationship w/ him--I bet if she changed her mind, he would be really happy about that.  I wonder what he would do if he met someone that he wanted to get serious with as far as living together or getting married--would this woman be the 3rd party living in the house?  It does seem odd that when she has a job that pays enough to buy a house, her health has recovered and she has a BF, she would still want to live with this guy--I wonder what her BFs think of it--maybe she just wants them for sex but she is obviously getting something out of the relationship w/ your BF--either money, being taken care of, etc.  Maybe she kind of looks at him like a father figure but he is looking at her like a GF.  Even if he looked at her like a relative, it would be like a guy having a grown up DD who is never going to leave home and be on her own.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 04-18-2013 - 12:37pm

I would forget about a relationship with him. Their arrangement is something that bothers you and it does not look like it is going to change anytime soon. 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Thu, 04-18-2013 - 1:13pm

evemuse wrote:
<p>I met this great guy. We have a lot in common and enjoy each others' company very much. We make each other laugh and smile. He treats me so well. He takes me out to great places and buys me flowers and gifts. BUT... I don't think I can let the relationship grow because he has a very attractive woman living with him in his home. She is 18 years younger than he is and I am 10 years younger than he is. He told me he will never lie to me and I believe him. He is a good man. </p><p>He met the woman 8 years ago in a support group for people that had lost loved ones to cancer. They became friends...later she broke up with her boyfriend she had been living with so she asked if she could stay with Jay and he said yes. She moved in as a friend and they have never had sex but after she had been there awhile he fell in love with her and told her he loved her and wanted to be her man. She said no, she could not be in any relationship at that ime. She was not ready but a few weeks later she had a new boyfriend.  Jay accepted that she did not love him and accepted her as a friend.  She has had  about  4 or 5 boyfriends I think he said during the 7 years she has lived with Jay.</p><p>He helped her get a better job with a much higher salary, he helped her through a surgery and took care of her as she healed like a nurse. He has a very nice home and he is a gourmet cook and cooks the meals. He has taken her to cancun with his daughter and son in law on vacation. She has a high paying job and has bought a house that she rents to someone while she continues to live with Jay. He said now that she has a good job she pays him rent but I am sure it is not much. Every year her mother comes to visit and stays from Thanksgiving to  late January or February in his home also.</p><p>She has been living with him for 7 years now. I have known him for 10 months. He says they have never had sex and he says he only loves her as a friend and he no longer has romantic feelings about her. I find it hard to believe. I believe him about no sex but I don't believe he no longer has romantic feelings for her. I want to believe him but I don't and that is why I am writing this here. If you were in my situation what would you think? What would you do?  Even if it is true about him no longer loving her in a romantic way it is weird to me that they live together for 7 years. I feel like they have bonded. I feel like he already has a wife but they just do not have sex. I think I am going to just be his friend and end the romantic thoughts we both have been having because I am very very turned off by him and his live in friend.</p><p> </p>

If I was in your situation, I would quit being intimidated by their platonic relationship and accept that he treats her as if she's family and if I wanted to be in his life, then I will have to treat her as if she's family, too.  How he has chosen to proceed with her is not up for your approval. They both were in each other's life and were there to help each other through extremely difficult times a long, long time ago.  I know I would be turned off by someone new in my life looking down their nose on a friend who has been in my life a whole lot longer than they have, especially when no talk of exclusivity or future commitments has taken place.

If you can't hang, leave.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 04-18-2013 - 3:08pm

  I can say that you have your eyes open go for it!  Many people have opposite sex roomates and close friends. It is part of life.  My roommates have been female(i am male) much easier to get along with).   Yes i have had the same confused reactions from women I was involved with.  But it works out well in the end.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Thu, 04-18-2013 - 7:24pm

Whether the woman is "just a roommate" or something more, it doesn't matter--you're bothered by the situation (which is your right), so there's a problem with the relationship. The relationship will never feel completely comfortable until/unless you can accept her presence and reconcile your doubts about whether he loves her as more than a friend. So you either work on changing yourself and your feelings, or stop dating him. Since you didn't mention him wanting to take your relationship to another level you might be changing yourself for nothing. I'd recommend stop dating him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Fri, 04-19-2013 - 1:23pm
Wow! This attractive house-mate has the ideal situation and she will not be leaving anytime soon...in the meantime your "new man" is attracted to her and will do anything for her because she has never let him catch her...Men love the chase and mystery! Personally, working on being more mysterious and less available has worked for me and in the meantime I get to do what I want to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 04-19-2013 - 3:09pm

I think it's possible a man and a woman can just live in the same place without it becoming romantic.  However, he admitted he was in love with her and the living situation continuing is nagging at you.  Many of those here who have been cheated on are wondering why don't you have your running shoes on?  Others think you are the problem.  It doesn't really matter what any of us thinks, does it?  If this will continue to bother you it's not right for you. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2008
Sat, 04-20-2013 - 4:50am

Thanks for your response. I agree, they are too involved and he has said she is his best friend. She will always be in our lives. She seems to be a demanding person that expects her friends to do what she wants to do when she wants to do it and Jay and her bf usually do what she says. I like what you said about picking someone that  meets my major needs. This man is already involved with another woman even if it is not a romance she demands his attention and he gives it without question. This is a dealbreaker for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2008
Sat, 04-20-2013 - 5:37am

Thanks for responding. I have thought and felt everything you have said in your response! You and I think a like on this. It bothers me that he told me he loved her and I think he still does also. Since she does not love him he is looking for a loving relationship and sexual relationship with someone else. I think he loves her but he could not have the relationship he wanted to have with her so he accepted whatever she would give and friendship is all she gave.

When people have a BF or GF and they break up sometimes they can still be friends but they don't live together and see each other every day. If she had stayed with him for a while and then after he told her he loved her she had told him she did not love him, if she had moved out but remained friends I could accept their friendship. For them to live together for 7 years and are still living together I cannot accept their friendship because it is more than friendship. I do not mean they are having sex but the emotional involvment is too deep. It is like she has a good husband that will always take care of her while she can date and have sex with other men anytime she wants.Or like she is living with her dad. I have had the thought like you...that "maybe she thinks of him as a kinda father figure but he is thinking of her as a GF".  I have had that exact thought. 

He has talked about the two of us living together and has talked about marriage and a future with me. He says he loves me and believes we would be very happy together.  I have given this a lot of thought because he is a wonderful person and we are very compatible but I am not going to let it go any farther. If I did I think I would feel like the third wheel.  Thanks again.

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