My New Man Has a Woman Living with Him

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2008
My New Man Has a Woman Living with Him
18
Thu, 04-18-2013 - 3:27am

I met this great guy. We have a lot in common and enjoy each others' company very much. We make each other laugh and smile. He treats me so well. He takes me out to great places and buys me flowers and gifts. BUT... I don't think I can let the relationship grow because he has a very attractive woman living with him in his home. She is 18 years younger than he is and I am 10 years younger than he is. He told me he will never lie to me and I believe him. He is a good man. 

He met the woman 8 years ago in a support group for people that had lost loved ones to cancer. They became friends...later she broke up with her boyfriend she had been living with so she asked if she could stay with Jay and he said yes. She moved in as a friend and they have never had sex but after she had been there awhile he fell in love with her and told her he loved her and wanted to be her man. She said no, she could not be in any relationship at that ime. She was not ready but a few weeks later she had a new boyfriend.  Jay accepted that she did not love him and accepted her as a friend.  She has had  about  4 or 5 boyfriends I think he said during the 7 years she has lived with Jay.

He helped her get a better job with a much higher salary, he helped her through a surgery and took care of her as she healed like a nurse. He has a very nice home and he is a gourmet cook and cooks the meals. He has taken her to cancun with his daughter and son in law on vacation. She has a high paying job and has bought a house that she rents to someone while she continues to live with Jay. He said now that she has a good job she pays him rent but I am sure it is not much. Every year her mother comes to visit and stays from Thanksgiving to  late January or February in his home also.

She has been living with him for 7 years now. I have known him for 10 months. He says they have never had sex and he says he only loves her as a friend and he no longer has romantic feelings about her. I find it hard to believe. I believe him about no sex but I don't believe he no longer has romantic feelings for her. I want to believe him but I don't and that is why I am writing this here. If you were in my situation what would you think? What would you do?  Even if it is true about him no longer loving her in a romantic way it is weird to me that they live together for 7 years. I feel like they have bonded. I feel like he already has a wife but they just do not have sex. I think I am going to just be his friend and end the romantic thoughts we both have been having because I am very very turned off by him and his live in friend.

 

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Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 05-11-2013 - 6:06pm

  She is using him as her emotional anchor.  He in her mind will always be there.  Even when she has other lovers this is a comfort for both.  I have had these relationships.  There are people who are smart and she is one.  She is building her empire.   her dream of living in Montana will come true and she will leave then.  But for you it is best to back up a notch.  Be friends as he may be very useful in the future.  One cannot have too many friends.  I have such a friend because of her caring friendship I see today.  I was going blind the hosp where I was to get surgery has a rule that only a friend or family member can pic you up after surgery.    She convinced her live in BF to pick my up.  So I can see.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2008
Sat, 05-11-2013 - 3:22am

HI Xxxs,

I told him how I was feeling about his friend living with him even though she has bought a house she could live in. I told him I think he still loves her. He said he does not.  I believe if  you love someone and they say they do not want to be yours you would need some time apart to get over the person. The 2 of  them have never had any time apart. They continue to live together  so I do not think he has had a chance to get over her. He seems to love saying her name also, like "Cindy said this and Cindy did that".

Anyway, I ended it.  We both said we can still be friends. It's over now and I feel very good about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2008
Sat, 05-11-2013 - 3:05am

Hi Benska2003,

I did not give him an ultimatum but I talked with him about how I feel. I told him I believe he still loves her and he said he does not. I reminded him of the time he told me he had been offered a job in another state and may move there and "his friend" said she would move there too. He said Cindy says she will do a lot of things that she does not do because she is fickle like that. Then he said he does not believe she will move with him anyway because Cindy wants to live on a ranch in Montana and he is NOT living in Montana because the winters there are too cold!!!  When he said this I was thinking he sounds like he is talking about his GF.

I told him he gives reasons why she would not want to move with him but he never said he does not want her to move with him. He said to me "Cindy is my friend, she can move with me or not move with me, either way is fine". I ended it then. I told him we can still be friends just as he was saying that same thing to me LOL. He chose her. It's been two weeks since breaking up with him. I miss him and I am a bit sad but I feel so much better!!! I know I did the right thing. Thanks for your response!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2008
Sat, 05-11-2013 - 2:40am

Honestgirl31,

I agree with everything you said. I believe he still loves his friend romantically and always will. Sometimes he goes out with her and her BF along with a couple of other friends to movies, to restaurants and on a couple of excursions like to the grand canyon. One night Jay and I were on the phone and she knocked on his bedroom door to tell him she was feeling sick from something she ate at dinner earlier with her BF.  As you said this is stange.

I told him I believe he still loves her and he said he does not. I reminded him of the time he told me he had been offered a job in another state and may move there and "his friend" said  she would move there too.  I told him he never said he does not want her to move with him. He said to me "Cindy is my friend, she can move with me or not move with me, either way is fine".  I ended it then. I felt like that statement was his way of saying he is choosing her even though I did not give him an ultimatum. Now he is my EX-BF. I told him we can still be friends just as he was saying that same thing to me LOL. It's been two weeks since breaking up with him. I miss him and I am a bit sad but I feel so much better!!!  I know I did the right thing. Thanks for your response! You said everything I was thinking and feeling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Tue, 04-23-2013 - 11:08am

Major RED FLAG! I read your post and although I am not against having friends of the opposite sex..I am against the fact that as you stated..this woman friend of his BOUGHT another house BUT is renting it out while SHE still ives with your..hopefully soon to be ex bf...?!! WTF??? Ok now WHY would a person do that??!!! You buy a house YOU move out and live in it...NOT still living with your best friend when you can live on your own!! GET OUT NOW!! That is very unnatural..even if his friend was another man...I would still leave because the fact that this person bought a house and is still living with him...plain WRONG.Start a new life with someone else whom truly deserves you and is not acting like some overgrown child. Real mature adults would NOT be making those types of decisions...for that other woman...I feel that she sees your bf as a security blanket...I'm sure she NEVER had feelings for him BUT your bf DOES and will always have eventhough he never slept with her...JUST get out now before you get hurt.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 04-22-2013 - 3:12am

 I can't recommend an ultimatium but tell him how you feel.  Give him time.  It is not easy to move on and with probably a long history it is wise tohave some patience.  Another point: are you committing too soon?  Sometimes we all get weak and rush to grab a mate when that is not the thing we need to be doing.  Dating finding a lover and having a lTR is not done in a day. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Sun, 04-21-2013 - 12:25pm

Hi Evemuse,

If you're prepared to walk away anyway...why don't you present him with an ultimatum? Explain your feelings about this woman living with him (who by the way, sounds like she can very well afford to lead her own life..in her own house!) and tell him that it's a dealbreaker. If he lets you walk, well...you're kind of prepared to do that anyway, aren't you? You could be cutting off your nose to spite your face here...maybe he needs to know how you feel..maybe you can make him see that this situatation sucks for you. Just an idea!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2008
Sat, 04-20-2013 - 5:56am

Thanks for your response. I am not looking down my nose at anyone. I am just questioning should I get any farther involved with someone that has told me he loves this woman he has been living with and is still living with. He said he loves her as a friend now, but sometimes people say what they wish were true and not what is really true. He loved her and wanted her in his bed and I don't know if you can suddenly feel like someone you want that way is now like a family member. But , the main issue here is as you put it, if I can't hang, leave.

I can't hang, and I am gone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2008
Sat, 04-20-2013 - 5:37am

Thanks for responding. I have thought and felt everything you have said in your response! You and I think a like on this. It bothers me that he told me he loved her and I think he still does also. Since she does not love him he is looking for a loving relationship and sexual relationship with someone else. I think he loves her but he could not have the relationship he wanted to have with her so he accepted whatever she would give and friendship is all she gave.

When people have a BF or GF and they break up sometimes they can still be friends but they don't live together and see each other every day. If she had stayed with him for a while and then after he told her he loved her she had told him she did not love him, if she had moved out but remained friends I could accept their friendship. For them to live together for 7 years and are still living together I cannot accept their friendship because it is more than friendship. I do not mean they are having sex but the emotional involvment is too deep. It is like she has a good husband that will always take care of her while she can date and have sex with other men anytime she wants.Or like she is living with her dad. I have had the thought like you...that "maybe she thinks of him as a kinda father figure but he is thinking of her as a GF".  I have had that exact thought. 

He has talked about the two of us living together and has talked about marriage and a future with me. He says he loves me and believes we would be very happy together.  I have given this a lot of thought because he is a wonderful person and we are very compatible but I am not going to let it go any farther. If I did I think I would feel like the third wheel.  Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2008
Sat, 04-20-2013 - 4:50am

Thanks for your response. I agree, they are too involved and he has said she is his best friend. She will always be in our lives. She seems to be a demanding person that expects her friends to do what she wants to do when she wants to do it and Jay and her bf usually do what she says. I like what you said about picking someone that  meets my major needs. This man is already involved with another woman even if it is not a romance she demands his attention and he gives it without question. This is a dealbreaker for me.

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