My Rapist

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2011
My Rapist
22
Fri, 09-09-2011 - 6:29pm

I was raped several years ago. I still live in the same city as I did then but I have managed to move around often enough to feel safe that my rapist would never locate me.

Recently my husband reconnected with an old friend from high school (on Facebook) who he has had nothing to do with for 26 years but who also happens to be best friends with my rapist. My husband knew about this connection and still moved forward.

When I found out about this I told him I wasn't comfortable with any of it. He proceeded to accuse me of not supporting a friendship that was "important" to him. I told him I didn't understand how a person whom he has had nothing to do with for 26 years could be more important than the fact this person is friends with the man who raped his wife (of 22 years). I told him I was far from being comfortable with the fact information that he relayed to his friend (ie: about our child, where we live, etc) could equally be relayed to my rapist when the two of them were hanging out. He blew it off and basically told me I was over-reacting and seeking attention.

I have found myself confused because I don't feel that I am being unreasonable nor unfair. I don't feel that after 22 years of marriage to him that I should come in second place to this friend who has been no part of our lives whatsoever. I don't feel it is fair to re-establish this friendship when my daughter could be at risk should my rapist desire any sort of vengeance against me. I'm simply dumbfounded that my spouse comprehends none of my fear and is playing it off as female histrionics (sp) ... I don't know what to think, period.

Any feedback would be most appreciated by me since I'm seeking to make sense of it all and naturally assume an unbiased opinion will help me fathom my own. So thank you in advance for your time in responding to my post.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
In reply to: oh_chloe
Fri, 09-09-2011 - 7:03pm

Oh Chloe, I'm so sorry for what you've been though.

I wanted a man's perspective on this, so I asked my hubby.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: oh_chloe
Fri, 09-09-2011 - 7:57pm

I'm curious--did you file criminal charges against the rapist?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: oh_chloe
Fri, 09-09-2011 - 11:46pm

I'm somewhat confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2011
In reply to: oh_chloe
Sat, 09-10-2011 - 7:34am
Thank you for your response. To answer your question my husband has "moments" of this kind of insensitivity but when they occur they are one after the other and tend to escalate when he is mad at me for something but won't actually tell me why or what for.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2011
In reply to: oh_chloe
Sat, 09-10-2011 - 7:53am
Thank you for your response. In reply, I was 21 when this happened (I am in my 40's now). I did get into therapy but not until I was in my early 30's.

Was the rape reported? No and it's a rather complicated reason for why. My father-in-law was a police officer at the time I was raped. My rapist was his oldest son (not the the youngest who is the one I married). My husband and my father-in-law had gone on a fishing trip together. My brother-in-law showed up at our apartment (high on cocaine and drunk on liquor) looking for my husband. When I told him that he'd gone off with their dad on a trip to the lake he started to get angry and the scenario escalated from there. I called my mother-in-law immediately after he left because, again I was 21 and was never exposed to violence growing up so needless to say I was shell shocked. She wanted me to wait until my father-in-law got back (before doing anything) since he was a police officer. When my father-in-law got back he basically said that if I chose to file a report it would look bad on him and could possibly cost him his job. He then proceeded to say to me that his son had been high on drugs and probably didn't even know what he did or to whom he did it to. He then said he would send him to California to live with an Aunt and that would be "just as if he went to jail." Needless to say, I was newly married, this was my newly gained family and I was a naive 21 year old so I went along with that. My brother in-law remained in California for several years (almost 9) but moved back when my mother-in-law got sick with cancer. By that time my husband and his family no longer had anything to do with one another and I never had to see any of them again. None of them were ever around my child and now she's almost 18 without ever having been exposed to that part of our life but I'm not willing to have it happen now despite the fact that I am older and wiser now or that my child has an ability to defend herself (she knows how to use a rifle better than I do and knows some martial arts for defense).
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2011
In reply to: oh_chloe
Sat, 09-10-2011 - 7:57am
Thank you for your response. In all honesty, I don't know if his friend knows or not but as "we" have never been friends with one another I doubt it would alter his friendship with my rapist because they have remained friends despite the fact that he and my husband did not. I know this only because my rapist is also my brother-in-law and rather than detail the story again I have posted it in response to a post by Fissatore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: oh_chloe
Sat, 09-10-2011 - 9:52am

Well the fact that your rapist is your BIL just makes things all the more complicated doesn't it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: oh_chloe
Sat, 09-10-2011 - 12:09pm

Oh, boy, that explains a lot!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
In reply to: oh_chloe
Sat, 09-10-2011 - 6:30pm

oh_chloe, this clears a lot of it up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2002
In reply to: oh_chloe
Sat, 09-10-2011 - 8:51pm

Facebook being what it is, anything your husband posts about himself, your daughter or yourself will be there to be viewed by your BIL on his friends FB page.

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