My Rapist

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2011
My Rapist
22
Fri, 09-09-2011 - 6:29pm

I was raped several years ago. I still live in the same city as I did then but I have managed to move around often enough to feel safe that my rapist would never locate me.

Recently my husband reconnected with an old friend from high school (on Facebook) who he has had nothing to do with for 26 years but who also happens to be best friends with my rapist. My husband knew about this connection and still moved forward.

When I found out about this I told him I wasn't comfortable with any of it. He proceeded to accuse me of not supporting a friendship that was "important" to him. I told him I didn't understand how a person whom he has had nothing to do with for 26 years could be more important than the fact this person is friends with the man who raped his wife (of 22 years). I told him I was far from being comfortable with the fact information that he relayed to his friend (ie: about our child, where we live, etc) could equally be relayed to my rapist when the two of them were hanging out. He blew it off and basically told me I was over-reacting and seeking attention.

I have found myself confused because I don't feel that I am being unreasonable nor unfair. I don't feel that after 22 years of marriage to him that I should come in second place to this friend who has been no part of our lives whatsoever. I don't feel it is fair to re-establish this friendship when my daughter could be at risk should my rapist desire any sort of vengeance against me. I'm simply dumbfounded that my spouse comprehends none of my fear and is playing it off as female histrionics (sp) ... I don't know what to think, period.

Any feedback would be most appreciated by me since I'm seeking to make sense of it all and naturally assume an unbiased opinion will help me fathom my own. So thank you in advance for your time in responding to my post.



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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: oh_chloe
Sun, 09-11-2011 - 11:05pm

This friend.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2011
In reply to: oh_chloe
Mon, 09-12-2011 - 1:03pm
They were in high school together and from my understanding they only became friends because they smoked pot with a group of other kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2011
In reply to: oh_chloe
Mon, 09-12-2011 - 1:06pm
Thank you for validating my fear that this situation has resurrected. As for counseling, my husband wouldn't go even if I asked him to, he tends to be of the thought line that they are all quacks looking to make money off of a person's insecurities.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2011
In reply to: oh_chloe
Mon, 09-12-2011 - 1:24pm
My husband didn't break ties with his brother for my benefit. He'd an argument with his family about something totally unrelated to what happened to me and as such he took the route he typically does, the "silent treatment". Roughly two years after he disassociated with them I found I was pregnant. Since my husband was molested as a child by the same brother who raped me as an adult he maintained that disassociation after the birth of our child.

With regards to additional friends they might have in common, fortunately we live 45 minutes away and haven't encountered them with the exception of 1 event at the race track when he saw some people but they didn't see us due to the crowd. In a situation such as that, had someone come up it would have been different because you can accept someone's phone number and never get in touch with them. You can walk away. And it doesn't matter if he did say he was estranged from his brother, he no longer knows this "friend" like he does the people we've been friends with for the past 15 years. He doesn't know whether this person would even respect his request. Plus, I know my husband and he will divulge too much information especially since these old high school friends are his former pot smoking buddies and that has become one of his favorite past times. To each his own on that score but some people do/can/and will take it too far in their daily life. I've sat back and watched how he gets when he is with neighbors, enough to know this situation is a bad combination way too late in life to even need be happening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2011
In reply to: oh_chloe
Mon, 09-12-2011 - 1:41pm
I agree with my husband having issues of his own. He was molested as a child by the brother who raped me as an adult. His family did the same thing to him that they did me, sent the brother off to go live with another relative until things "got better" for all involved. Mind you, my husband didn't tell me that before we got married otherwise I might would have known what to expect from his brother because I would have known a mindset like that doesn't "get better". As to your question, I have no idea if he is still on drugs or not but given the fact I do know the mutual friends are "recreational users" of certain things I am left to assume the old adage is correct, "Birds of a feather flock together." The person my husband recently befriended has a page dedicated to growing pot, smoking pot, selling pot, etc ... we are in our 40's with a child who is almost a legal adult. We help another neighbor whose husband has ALS and is dying from it. I simply don't understand it .. why now? what about our life has left him believing this is a good idea?

In response to the rest of your post, I already made it clear to him that his brother will never be allowed in my home. He said he didn't care to have anything to do with his brother but that will change at some point because it won't take long for the mutual friend to involve himself ... too "work on" my husband for lack of better phrasing. I explained to my daughter (when she was 15) what happened and why she has only one set of grandparents that we are in touch with.

Anyway, thank you for your response and extended best wishes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2011
In reply to: oh_chloe
Mon, 09-12-2011 - 1:44pm
No one had to feel hurt though. This mutual friend didn't seek my husband out, my husband sought him out. My husband KNEW he was friends with my BIL. This friend hasn't looked for my husband in 26 years, nor vice versa but for some reason it became a big deal out of the blue ... no discussion about what his intentions were, just me finding out second hand via a FB feed. The only person who got hurt here was me. No offense.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
In reply to: oh_chloe
Mon, 09-12-2011 - 6:24pm

It sounds like your DH's pot habit is one that is going to negatively affect your family, and if that is the case, your decision needs to be based off that.

What you have shared so far is that your DH likes to smoke pot.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: oh_chloe
Tue, 09-13-2011 - 11:08am

Wow.......the problem with message boards is that the OP posts a problem, but doesn't think about how it will read to the responders.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
In reply to: oh_chloe
Tue, 09-13-2011 - 1:30pm
I agree that this sounds much worse now that we know more. Chloe, you need to think NOW about how you will respond if your husband brings your BIL home, which seems very likely. You have already told him that BIL is not to enter your home, but what will happen if he does? Whether you tell your husband of your intentions or not, they should be clear in youur own mind.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2011
In reply to: oh_chloe
Tue, 09-13-2011 - 1:44pm
No, don't apologize because you can only go by what you are presented with. Even though there is anonymity (sp) with a message board I still find it ironic how it is still so easy to feel uncomfortable initially divulging the skeletons in your closet.

As for statute of limitations, in my state it is 3 years if you were raped by a blood relative and 2 years if by someone non-blood related and I don't qualify. I guess around my way it matters more to the justice system if you have an ounce of cocaine on you than it does that a rapist never pays for their crime. Oh well.

Anyway, thank you for your time in responding to my post. I do appreciate it.