My Son and His Wife Offered me the ultim

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2004
My Son and His Wife Offered me the ultim
19
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 12:34am
After being a widow for 11 years I began dating again for the first time and fell in love with and became engaged to a wonderful guy. Upon learning of our engagement my son who is 32 yrs. old, married with 3 kids became very angry and said that my fiancee should've asked him before proposing. I disagree...he is not my father and I am a 59 year old who is capable of making my decisions. My daughter in law phoned and gave me the ultimatum of either my fiancee OR them, my family. This was 1/5/04 and I haven't heard from them since. I told them that I was not going to give up my happiness just because they are so greedy that they don't want anyone to have anything I have, as if I was rich to start out with....NOT!! What should I do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 12:25pm
I am very sorry to hear about the selfish son and daughter-in-law. They are being completely unreasonable.

I do have something to say that will probably make me a little unpopular though. If the son and his wife have been married for 8 years, and they have children together, how can anyone say that *she* needs to mind her own business (any more than the son?)? I mean, her husband's business IS her business, and ESPECIALLY if she has any true fears about the grandchildren!

I am not saying that the fiancee isn't a truly wonderful man, and that the son and d-i-l are justified or anything like that, just that it's a little harsh to divide their marriage and say that it's none of her business. I love my in-laws and feel very much a part of that family. If there were problems there that affected me, I would be very hurt to be considered less than a family member because of the ring on my finger.

Heather

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 2:15pm
My ex-husband's grandmother left half of her inheritance to her children and half to her grandchildren. I don't know if that might help, but if it's about that, maybe your son and his wife could be made to see that they could lose it in more ways than one. Best wishes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 3:40pm
How sad for you. You have to deal with your son's selfishness, greed, controlling attempts to interfere in your life and him poisoning his own kids minds about being violated.

If you have your affairs in order (living trust, will, whatever) then he should behave himself, but I think I'd be so mad that I'd ask him - who raised you? Who is your mother? Because you don't resemble the son I thought I raised in character and compassion, loving and kind, etc.

Wow. My best to you. You deserve happiness too.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 12:42am

oh how SAD that your son is choosing to blackmail you in this way. you are entitled to your own LIFE, regardless of WHO your fiance is. if you choose to take all your money and GIVE it away, that is still your choice. it is pathetic that your son and DIL are trying to force you to choose between your life and your grandchildren.


on an entirely different note - i would suggest that you sign a pre-nup which will stipulate what happens to any money during both of your lifetimes, and after. not because of your son - but because it will protect YOU. and i am only saying this because i am now walking out of a second marriage with the clothing on my back and my son, and i did not sign a pre nup. (not that i had much before, but now i have NOTHING).


good luck to you! you sound like a very together person and i am sure that your fiance is great.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 9:16am
Hoo boy-I can only imagine what you are going through!! I myself have 2 daughters in their 30s with families of their own & after 2 previous failed marriages I found the love of my life at age 50 & we will be married 1 yr. next month. I can assure you though if my daughters had had the same attitude your son has I think I would have chosen my husband anyway, even though I was very young when my kids were born & I always told everyone we kind of grew up together-but as well as being my children they are also my best friends & there were a lot of rough spots in my life I could not have gotten through without them. Look at it this way, your son has his own family to care for while you have no one else but your man. Who will take care of you in old age?? Your son & daughter-in-law?? I think not! Besides, you are still young enough to enjoy a lot of years with someone that you love & are comfortable with. I spent 17 years of my life alone between marriages (of course I was raising my daughters) & they were not very happy ones so for your son to have the attitude he does about your relationship is totally selfish & inconsiderate of him & his wife.

When my husband & I first started dating I had no idea it would lead to marriage & spent the following Thanksgiving with him in Oklahoma (where he is from). It was the first holiday I had ever spent away from my girls or my parents & I didn't know how they would react to it but suprisingly enough my mother was the one that told them that I was trying to build a new life for myself & she hoped it worked out.(& it has) Since my husband & I now live in Indianapolis & all my family is in Toledo, OH it is also the first time I have EVER lived away from all of them & it was pretty hard at first but it is only 4 hours away & we drive there every 4-6 weeks to see them all & that helps a lot.

Anyway, my advice to you would be to do what makes YOU happy, not your son & daughter-in-law. You only get one chance in life & everyone needs to make the best of all they can.

Best wishes to you & I hope everyting works out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 9:49am

Your son and his wife are being very selfish. They are more worried about the way the engagement took place that they are forgetting that you are happy..and thats whats most important. I know though

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 10:26am
What part of this are you leaving out? Is your fiancee someone who's not self-sufficient, self-supporting and thus yo'ure spending your "kids inheritance" to support him to have a relationship (which is your right - it's your money till you're dead!).

Or have you and your kids really never had a loving, equality based relationship and it's been a power struggle and now that you're aging and more subject to be "out of power" and them in power and able to "tell you what to do, limit your options, etc." - they're upset because you're refusing to acknowledge their superiority to your position, to cater to their priorities and demands, and in marrying this guy - they'll lack control of your estate, your feelings, and your options and actions.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 11:23am
I feel for you, to be estranged from your child and grandchild. But along with everyone else here, I think you deserve to be happy. If you actually dumped this guy, you would not gain a happy relationship with your son, you would be resentful of his control. And for your son to use his child as a bargaining chip, is totally disgraceful. That child will grow up carrying the same issues your son is. So sad.

A prenup is a good idea. I am going to do that as well. I have two kids and my DF has one and we want all the money to remain seperate, so we need to get that in writing. After my DF was seperated for five years and he informed his ex he wanted the divorce finalized because he had hopes of getting remarried, his ex went straight to the daughter, said she would never speak to her again if she attended our wedding and told her her father would leave all his money to my two kids. Of course, that is the most ridiculous thing in the world, but I sometimes wonder about how much importance is placed on money that in reality is not even our own.

From the sounds of it, I wouldn't give much hope on your son's marriage, and I would back yours 100%.

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 9:13pm
People do things for a reason. that reason may not be readily apparent, or even make sense to anyone else, but it is there. If the relationship with your son's family is important to you, it is worth while to try to find what his reason is.

Why don't you go visit them and talk with them both openly and honestly? Ask them what their real objection is and be willing to hear them out - it certainly isn't just that you didn't ask for his permission to remarry. Do not take this as the final answer. Be honest about your feelings as well, what you want, what you need. Let them know that they are an important part of you life but you will not be dictated, threatened or listen to slander about your future husband. If they have real and tangible reasons to believe that your FH is not what he represents himself to be, then they either need to share this with you or shut up. Ask your son how he would feel if you & his father had demanded this of him when he wanted to marry his wife.

Their motives have more to do with a perceived loss on their part - either financial or control. Speak to them directly - you're more likely to get the bottom of it all than through email or phone conversations.

Just because he is being unreasonable doesn't mean that you have to accept his behavior. Invite them to your wedding, encourage them to get to know the man ou love, and always keep the lines of communication open. Also provide ample opportunity for your new husband to be visible part of your interactions with your grandchildren. Have him sign any notes or gifts you send. They can continue to be closed minded and selfish, but you do not have to be.

Also, I think the other poster's comment RE a pre-nup is an excellent idea - its not about doubting the sincerity of your union, just good financial sense esp. if you have inheritances that you want to remain as you intend them to be. You both will benefit.

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