My Son and His Wife Offered me the ultim
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My Son and His Wife Offered me the ultim
| Sun, 03-14-2004 - 12:34am |
After being a widow for 11 years I began dating again for the first time and fell in love with and became engaged to a wonderful guy. Upon learning of our engagement my son who is 32 yrs. old, married with 3 kids became very angry and said that my fiancee should've asked him before proposing. I disagree...he is not my father and I am a 59 year old who is capable of making my decisions. My daughter in law phoned and gave me the ultimatum of either my fiancee OR them, my family. This was 1/5/04 and I haven't heard from them since. I told them that I was not going to give up my happiness just because they are so greedy that they don't want anyone to have anything I have, as if I was rich to start out with....NOT!! What should I do?

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I do have something to say that will probably make me a little unpopular though. If the son and his wife have been married for 8 years, and they have children together, how can anyone say that *she* needs to mind her own business (any more than the son?)? I mean, her husband's business IS her business, and ESPECIALLY if she has any true fears about the grandchildren!
I am not saying that the fiancee isn't a truly wonderful man, and that the son and d-i-l are justified or anything like that, just that it's a little harsh to divide their marriage and say that it's none of her business. I love my in-laws and feel very much a part of that family. If there were problems there that affected me, I would be very hurt to be considered less than a family member because of the ring on my finger.
Heather
If you have your affairs in order (living trust, will, whatever) then he should behave himself, but I think I'd be so mad that I'd ask him - who raised you? Who is your mother? Because you don't resemble the son I thought I raised in character and compassion, loving and kind, etc.
Wow. My best to you. You deserve happiness too.
Carrie
oh how SAD that your son is choosing to blackmail you in this way. you are entitled to your own LIFE, regardless of WHO your fiance is. if you choose to take all your money and GIVE it away, that is still your choice. it is pathetic that your son and DIL are trying to force you to choose between your life and your grandchildren.
on an entirely different note - i would suggest that you sign a pre-nup which will stipulate what happens to any money during both of your lifetimes, and after. not because of your son - but because it will protect YOU. and i am only saying this because i am now walking out of a second marriage with the clothing on my back and my son, and i did not sign a pre nup. (not that i had much before, but now i have NOTHING).
good luck to you! you sound like a very together person and i am sure that your fiance is great.
When my husband & I first started dating I had no idea it would lead to marriage & spent the following Thanksgiving with him in Oklahoma (where he is from). It was the first holiday I had ever spent away from my girls or my parents & I didn't know how they would react to it but suprisingly enough my mother was the one that told them that I was trying to build a new life for myself & she hoped it worked out.(& it has) Since my husband & I now live in Indianapolis & all my family is in Toledo, OH it is also the first time I have EVER lived away from all of them & it was pretty hard at first but it is only 4 hours away & we drive there every 4-6 weeks to see them all & that helps a lot.
Anyway, my advice to you would be to do what makes YOU happy, not your son & daughter-in-law. You only get one chance in life & everyone needs to make the best of all they can.
Best wishes to you & I hope everyting works out.
Your son and his wife are being very selfish. They are more worried about the way the engagement took place that they are forgetting that you are happy..and thats whats most important. I know though
Or have you and your kids really never had a loving, equality based relationship and it's been a power struggle and now that you're aging and more subject to be "out of power" and them in power and able to "tell you what to do, limit your options, etc." - they're upset because you're refusing to acknowledge their superiority to your position, to cater to their priorities and demands, and in marrying this guy - they'll lack control of your estate, your feelings, and your options and actions.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
A prenup is a good idea. I am going to do that as well. I have two kids and my DF has one and we want all the money to remain seperate, so we need to get that in writing. After my DF was seperated for five years and he informed his ex he wanted the divorce finalized because he had hopes of getting remarried, his ex went straight to the daughter, said she would never speak to her again if she attended our wedding and told her her father would leave all his money to my two kids. Of course, that is the most ridiculous thing in the world, but I sometimes wonder about how much importance is placed on money that in reality is not even our own.
From the sounds of it, I wouldn't give much hope on your son's marriage, and I would back yours 100%.
Pam
Pam
The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.
Why don't you go visit them and talk with them both openly and honestly? Ask them what their real objection is and be willing to hear them out - it certainly isn't just that you didn't ask for his permission to remarry. Do not take this as the final answer. Be honest about your feelings as well, what you want, what you need. Let them know that they are an important part of you life but you will not be dictated, threatened or listen to slander about your future husband. If they have real and tangible reasons to believe that your FH is not what he represents himself to be, then they either need to share this with you or shut up. Ask your son how he would feel if you & his father had demanded this of him when he wanted to marry his wife.
Their motives have more to do with a perceived loss on their part - either financial or control. Speak to them directly - you're more likely to get the bottom of it all than through email or phone conversations.
Just because he is being unreasonable doesn't mean that you have to accept his behavior. Invite them to your wedding, encourage them to get to know the man ou love, and always keep the lines of communication open. Also provide ample opportunity for your new husband to be visible part of your interactions with your grandchildren. Have him sign any notes or gifts you send. They can continue to be closed minded and selfish, but you do not have to be.
Also, I think the other poster's comment RE a pre-nup is an excellent idea - its not about doubting the sincerity of your union, just good financial sense esp. if you have inheritances that you want to remain as you intend them to be. You both will benefit.
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