My son's need for my attention

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
My son's need for my attention
6
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 9:51am
I've been living with my boyfriend for a few monthes now. I have a 3 1/2 year old son that I have custody of except every other weekend. Whenever my boyfriend and I want to talk or just be lightly affectionate, my son constantly interrupts us no matter what we say. My son gets plenty of our atttention. It gets very frustrating at times and I just don't know how to deal with it. Any suggestions?


Edited 6/11/2004 10:01 am ET ET by jenny5rn
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 10:15am

hi there. i think before anything else, you need to remember that your son is 3.5. its not easy for him - things are scary and he doesn't have the tools to "deal" with it. he is shuttled between two homes, and now there is a 'new' situation to deal with.


this doesn't mean that YOU shouldn't move on with YOUR life. but it does mean that you need to be undertanding of your son - HE is your first priority NOW. I would suggest you speak to a children's psycologist to get some specific help with this. and of course - *you* (and not your BF) need to set guidelines for your son about "proper" behavior (not interrupting, etc), in ALL social situations.


one more thing - and this is ME - *I* would not move in with a guy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 11:10am
For 3.5 year old, he is going through a lot. A new man in his life- what does this mean? His parents live apart- it is hard for him to comprehend why. He is afraid of what is happening and feels insecure but doesn't have the insight or vocabulary to express it. He needs to be number one in your life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 11:36am
When I was a single mother and dating my husband, this is how we handled things so as not to confuse or distress my children unnecessarily. We let them get used to the idea of him being around for a good long time before we ever shared physical affection in front of them (of any kind). We were attentive to their needs while at the same time enforcing the same rules and boundaries as they had had before in regard to manners, appropriate behavior towards others, etc. I placed my children first b/c they *are* children and needed adult care all the time. We, as adults, found time for adult things when they weren't there, after they went to bed, etc. In this way my children have grown up happy and healthy, with manners and good social skills. They have a great relationship with their stepdad and he and I have a wonderful marriage. We're very close. He has always been understanding and supportive, and is a very active part of raising the children (although they are older now, they still need us as parents even if they are far more independent than when we first met). This was just how I handled it, and to each his/her own.

But I think you should always put your child first b/c he is too young to understand what is happening or deal with it in an appropriate way without guidance. Your bf should understand that and support you in it, if he is a good, mature man. It's tough for a single parent to date and handle those things, but I found it easier to keep my dating life separate from my home life. I thought it was important to do that for the sake of my children. They wouldn't have benefited from men coming and going, and in fact, my daughter just said to me the other day (she's 11 now) that she's glad I didn't date a lot of different guys after the divorce. I did, she just never knew about it and still doesn't. I was so glad when she said that -- I knew I'd done the right thing in shielding them from that aspect of my adult life. Only after I'd dated my husband for awhile and knew it was going in a serious direction did I introduce my kids to him. He is the only man I ever introduced to my children of all the men I dated between my divorce and my remarriage to him. It wasn't easy, but now I feel it was so worth it. Good luck.

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 2:58pm
That sounds like a very good stragegy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 10:17pm
I would strongly recommend that you go to your local library or bookstore and get a copy of "Shacking Up - 40 Reasons Why NOT To (Wise Advice from Someone Who Has)" by Anne James-Sieff.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 10:42pm
Hi there,

I think you need to put your expectations in better order for your 3.5 year old. He needs your attention because he needs your attention. And the more you try to deny him of that the more he will try to get it. You will end up being very sorry later if you do not meet his needs now.

I understand that it is hard on you because you want to be with your boyfriend. But you have to put your priorities in order. Your son will only be little once and you only have one shot at doing mommyhood right. He depends on you and needs the nurturing and attachment with you.

Maybe it is a good idea for you and your boyfriend to attend family counseling. If your boyfriend is supportive that is great and if he is not he needs to go. I don't agree living together before marriage but that is your call.