Is my trust dead?i still love him

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Is my trust dead?i still love him
4
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 4:58am
hey everyone, I am kinda confused and upset. I have been with my BF for maybe six years on and off, we have had some problems regarding other girls in the past and i have always believed him however stupid i felt and tried to forgive and forget. I had always been so in love with him i don’t even think twice when he explains himself, he just manages to convince me. My problem is, throughout these year i have stuck by him and we have been through alot together, good and bad(him cheating etc). The past few months have been fine and we have been as much in love as ever, and he recently went to another country to continue his studies which could take up to 3 yrs. This upset me alot as i feel he did not consider me much but i did not say anything as i did not want to come in the way of what he wants as i thought it was a dream he was following and i know towards the end he wanted to be with me. As soon as he got there, he has been telling me he wants to come back and stay here with me and continue his studies here. He could have done that in the first place, so all this pain for what? Well recently when I asked him why he applied to go so far away (UK to US) in the first place and he said because we were having problems at the time and he did it on a whim! This was in 2005, around the time i think he had a affair with someone whom he cause me a lot of pain and emotional torture. He continuously lied to me and made me believe a lie. He till this day would not admit it and still says they were just friends and he was trying to help her with a drinking problem, but I don’t think so because I lived with him for two years and I knew what his habits were and just how he would react to certain things, but yet me managed to make me doubt myself and my judgement and said I was just making things up. At the time I was so emotionally battered I could not think straight. I thought I was over reacting and unreasonable and mistrusting him for no reason and maybe he was trying to help. As time went on he would spend more time with her behind my back and I think he has had her in my bed and in my flat when I was not around against my wish as I always had the feeling something was going on but he would say she is only stalking him and she he has nothing to do with her. It all led to me snooping as he would never tell me the truth it seemed and there was no other way for me to know and also get him to realise I am not a fool and I understand simple body language! Firstly I found some msn conversations (2004) with them messing around and talking about having had sex and oral sex and a lot more which is too painful to say, and I also found emails where he was telling her off for cheating on him, this was in 2005(when he applied to move). Seems they made up and still kept in touch, I also found out later that he had a drunken night and slept with someone who claimed to be my friend and knew what problems we were having. She told me out of guilt 6 months after this happened. All these things I did not find out at once, it was in the time span of end of 2004 to end of 2006. It’s a pattern I now realise. I know this is a very long time, but he had been here all along with his explanations which now I realise were not justified and all I did is acted with my heart rather than my mind. Anyway to cut it short, as I have gone on for long I feel, after he has told me he applied when we were having problems in 2005, I have been thinking what problems did we really have?? And I went back and read all the things I had ever found and had no courage to read them again as it was painful, and I feel like it falls into place now……he started cheating on me in 2004 as we tried to help this girl and behind my back had an affair/relationship with her till 2005 when things went wrong he wanted to go away so he applied to go study somewhere else and then things got better with us as he had no one else I feel, he kept me on the side all along and now tells me he loves me pretending nothing ever happened, she was just a friend he couldn’t help and so he has stopping talking to her for me (I don’t think this is true entirely). So right now according to him everything is fine and we are in love and he is planning to come back to live with me. He expects me to have forgotten everything and move on with him. So do I let this past come I in the way of our present? Ever since I went back and read all those things that I had not touched since I found them thanx to denial, all feel fresh in my mind and I don’t know if it is too late to bring it up and say, yeah although we are in an apparent happy relationship right now, everything that happened is a problem. Does that make me someone who is playing games? For months we were living happily until I was reminded about all this after he has left, although I never totally forgot anything. What do I do, I love him a lot and feel I want to be with him but also feel what he did was very wrong and I don’t know if I can trust him. I think if it was up to my heart I would but for how long. What if something else happens? I will never know. And I don’t feel respectful to snoop. I had to do it and I did. But it doesn’t make me feel good. I think what I am saying is although it may seem I have forgiven him for everything I have not forgotten and can’t get over how he could do all that and still lie to me till this day and claim to love me. He fell in love with someone else and kept me on the side? Am I thinking all wrong? Please help I am confused. I love this guy but feel things are not right and don’t know what to do. My apologies for such a long entry, I hope it makes sense, any advice will be appreciated. Thank you all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 12:16pm

Welcome to the board foolsaside,


I think you need to confront/talk to him about everything you found. You deserve to know the truth and to have him admit what he did and apologize for it. You need to know that he is sorry for his actions. Which, at this point, I don't know if he is because he thinks he got away with it.


After you talk to him, you can figure out what you want to do based on how he reacts to you. Like if he continues to lie or

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2006
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 2:54pm

Hey, I think that you are in a sticky situation. I don't know what the right awnser is, except that I think a lot of us are confused about stuff, not only him, or you, but me as well.

Love is so easy to want to stay with when you finally have it. It's a reason to get up, it's a reason to go home, it's a reason to climb mountains and scream, "i am so happy!"

But when love hurts too much, it no longer becomes something to live for, but something you carry, like one carries a burden.

and love isn't a burden.

I think that if I were in your shoes, I'd revaluate your whole six year relasionship. I'd count how many times he cheated on me. If he kept you in a long distance relasionship while he went to the states because you were having problems and didn't end the relasionship, that seems strange.

Long distance relasionships are hard. I just got out of one. I think that it is strange to leave someone when you are having problems with them, and then to still endure a whole long distance relasionship thing. I think that if he was doing that, he was probably waiting around to meet some girl in the states (hate to put it so harshly, cl-ctara19811, just trying to realistic, but its okay, don't worry), and for him to come back when the relasionship is going well is also strange. This means that whenever he feels unstable about the relasionship, he is going to go find someone to cheat on you with (in or out of the country). He's obviously not telling you what he needs, or when h is unhappy with the relasionship. And if is not telling you what makes him unhappy about your relasionship, I have reason to believe that he will continue to cheat.

In the meantime, realize that you are sexy, fun, intelligent, and a million other wonderful things, because in the end, you will always have that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 3:24pm

Hi foolsaside and welcome to the board,


This man has repeatedly betrayed you, cheated on you, lied to you, etc. and if he's not willing to own up what he's done and go to counseling with you, I'm not sure you can continue to sweep it under the carpet.


Reading material to consdier:


When Your Lover is a Liar, Susan Forward


Straight Talk About Betrayal: A Self-Help Guide for Couples by Donna R. Bellafiore


Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona Subotnik, Gloria Harris


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 9:41am
hey everyone, thank you all so much for the advice. I have not taken any steps yet as i do not know at this stage how to approach him and tell him. Maybe i fear something, i don't really know. But i will let you all know what i have done or where i stand. Thanks for all your support.