Is my wife going overboard?
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Is my wife going overboard?
| Mon, 06-21-2004 - 1:45pm |
I need a new perspective on inlaws... my parents. They are very warm people who continue to offer to babysit our 11 month old boy, but can't understand why my wife and I don't take them up on it. The answer is that my wife doesn't trust them even though they are very capable people. In fact, they have babysat my brothers kids for a week at a time. Even my brother can't understand why we don't take the opportunity to get away, even if it's for just one night. (Not to mention a free babysitter.) Nope, my wife only trusts her mother. It's not just baby sitting. Since they live three hours away it's only practical that they stay over night, but my wife doesn't want overnight guests either. What am I suppose to say to them, sorry, my wife doesn't want you around?? Should I tell them that a three hour visit should be fine for them? It's very important to me that our child knows their grandparents. He knows her mother, which is great, but my folks barley see him. It's clearly very painful for my parents, but my wife seems to think she's not alone, that a lot of wives don't trust their inlaws and would rather not have house guests. I think it's very cold and cruel.
So my question: should I just come out and tell my folks that my wife doesn't care to have them around? Also, should I be sticking up for her feelings? I don't want to be tit for tat, but she doesn't seem to care too much for mine. Is this a normal feeling for a wife? I feel this is making me resent her and my marriage and my relationship with my family is suffering. Is she right? Do a lot of woman feel this way or is this overboard? How can I get through to her or will I ever? Does she really not trust them babysitting or is she just a cold person who is trying to put a wedge in our relationship?

hi there. its hard for anyone here to tell you who's "right", regarding how your wife feels about your parents. its possible that something happened between them where your wife was hurt by your parents, but you dismissed her feelings (not saying it did happen - i am just saying that these things do happen sometimes).
or its possible that your wife was raised in a home where the "in-laws" were looked down upon, or treated with disrespect, and she feels she is 'expected' to act this way.
or maybe your wife simply doesn't really want ANY over night guests.
or maybe she is just not a nice person.
i don't really know.
but what i do think is that "this" IS a problem in your marriage. and its not something that you can just ignore - because these are YOUR parents. what i suggest is that you start by talking to your wife and REALLY LISTENING to what she is saying. see if between you, you can come up with workable solutions. for example: your parents will stay at a hotel. or you will go to visit your parents and let them see your child. etc. you see, some of the issues you raised are not specifically about 'right' or 'wrong' - but more about habits and how we do things in our family. you are both perfectly within your rights to want things to be done the way you are each used to doing things - but part of making a new family is making new "habits" and traditions.
if talking doesn't work - then get to a marital counsler. don't let this problem grow any more...
Your wife has to understand that there are 2 sets of parents involved here...YOURS and HERS (although you didn't indicate if her mom was still married to her dad)?
Not only is her attitude unfair to YOUR parents...but what about THEIR grandson? Will he ever get the chance to know them? Or does your wife expect their next 12 birthday cards and all of their Christmas gifts to arrive in the mail?
While your wife might be a little overprotective...and there are many "new moms" out there who are...your son was created in love! Doesn't he deserve to have the love and protection of the entire family?
And since your Mom and Dad don't sound like "psycho killers" wearing parental disguises---you should seriously consider 'rotating the babysitters' for your son.
Pianoguy
First of all, realize that women, much more than men, are territorial. They are territorial about their home, their men, their kids, and everything else. It's just in their nature. What do I mean by territorial? They don't want other people "trespassing" or interfering with what they consider to be theirs. This could mean their home, their husband, kids, even friends. Other women may disagree with me but I still say women are territorial, and it's just part of their nature.
Now, to your problem. I agree that this situation isn't fair. I agree that it is festering and will only get worse. I agree that your wife doesn't sound like she's giving you and your family a whole lot of respect, not to mention consideration or kindness. But I have a feeling there are some underlying reasons why. There have to be.
I don't know how old you two are or how long you dated before you married. But are you entirely sure you have severed yourself emotionally from your family of origin? Are you certain? Your loyalties are now with your wife. And hers are with you. TOTALLY. Yes, you need to still support your wife and stick up for her feelings. Absolutely you must. But you are also entitled to know what's really going on here.
It just sounds to me like your wife has other feelings about your family that have been on the back burner all along. For some reason, she doesn't want them to get that close. Has she ever been jealous of your involvement with them? Has she ever felt like your first priority was anything but her? You need to have an honest talk with your wife about this.
*Something* is causing her to be so reluctant to share her life and her son with your family. I hope you can talk to her about it and figure it out. It could have very serious implications for your marriage. And of course for when you have more kids.
I will say one thing however about your parents spending the night at your house. If I were your wife, I wouldn't want them to do this, either. It's one thing to leave your son with your parents (or her parents) for a few hours so they can babysit. It's another if grandparents are actually sleeping over and living in your house. Perhaps you two can go visit your parents more often, if they live 3 hours away, and take your son. Perhaps your parents can come for a visit but stay in a local hotel. I don't know, but you both should consider all possibilities. Another possibility is that you hire a babysitter to care for your son, and not leave him with either in-law. That may not be the best alternative, but at least it's a bit more fair.
Bottom line is yes, your wife is going overboard IMHO. But I think there must be some reason(s) for it and you must figure out what they are while remaining supportive and loyal to your wife. You have to let your wife know how important this is to you. You have to make her see that she is damaging her marriage if she continues to disregard your feelings. On the other hand, you have to take a hard look at your ties to your family of origin and ask yourself whether they are too strong now that you are a married man.
Maybe if you tell your wife you want to see a counselor that will "wake her up" to how serious you are.
Best of luck to you, and I hope you two start talking soon.
In a marriage, both parties deserve equal rights, say and consideration. Your parents are every bit as important as her parents and it
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
Well, then.......... this seems to be the underlying problem. Only you and your wife know the real dynamic between the two of you. I believe your allegience is to your wife, first and foremost. And I believe hers is to you. On the other hand, your family is certainly entitled to see their grandson, and it is unfair that they have been prevented from seeing him, and it's unfair to put you in the middle. But I have a sneaky suspicion the "real" reason is NOT that your wife doesn't trust her in-laws. What's really going on is she is getting back at you.
Maybe your wife has resented your attachment to your family for a while. She may believe that your first obligation is to her, not to your family of origin, and that you are still too influenced by your family of origin and too dependent on their approval. And now, she has a "weapon" she can use against you. Perhaps she is using her new status as a Mom to retaliate.
I'm only speculating here. Point is, you sound pretty annoyed. What's more, you say you "will not budge". And your wife's attitude is probably something along the lines of, "I'm busy with our son. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, being a loving and attentive mother. Don't tell me how to do my job."
I get the distinct feeling that both of you have a LOT of growing up to do. Get counseling or otherwise reach a compromise on this issue so you two can move forward as a married couple **and** as parents. Do it for the sake of your son, and for any future kids you may have. Don't delay. Good luck.
Sounds as though your wife is making it a contest between who you love more, her or your parents. This is absurd and childish. It is also hostile to your family.
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
I think it will pass in time, especially when baba ends up being a very busy toddler.
At any rate, you and your wife have to work on a solution. You feel you want your parents to have more time with the baby and you want more time with her. But she wants to feel safe and comfortable. There has to be a solution that is right for both of you - and you have to work to find that solution. The right solution is right for everyone. Your wife comes first.
Maybe there is a way to take "baby steps" where you can meet your parents half way and just spend time together - maybe for lunch or whatever. Or maybe you can go to their house for the weekend?
Or they can come to visit for the weekend but stay in a hotel. They can spend time with the baby in your prescence.
There must be something she doesn't like about them and maybe she is afraid to tell you? I don't blame her for not wanting house guests - that is hard with a baby and it is hard to have your inlaws stay with you.
It sounds like her parents are easier and more familiar and she has taken the easy road - and with a baby the easy road is often best for a tired mom.
I think there is a real reason why she does not feel comfortable with them. And she resents you demanding this and being inflexible. She is the mom and will have very strong maternal instincts. I believe her love and protection for the child will be much stronger than for you or the marriage.
My sister is a good example. She does not feel comfortable leaving small children with her husband's family because they are older. They have a lot of breakable things in their home and are not used to the demands of small children. They are not as careful as my mom and dad, who always stay at her house and watch the kids while she is away. BUT his family contributes in their own way. They come every weekend for a short visit and bring fun gifts for the children. They get to spend time with them, take pictures, enjoy a meal. My sister also invites them on a vacation every now and again.
No one compares which family is best - they are both different and both participate in the best way for the couple.
I wonder if your mom is more interested in being equal to her mom than in just participating in the best way. I think there is a lot you are leaving out.
I think you have to get to the bottom of this. But everyone has to be flexible and you have to find a win win solution - you might win the battle but then you will lose the war because you could end up divorced over this.
I am divorced because my husband put his family before me. He was always very inflexible and his mom was more into a power struggle between him and me than in helping us.