Is my wife hopelessly insensitive?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Is my wife hopelessly insensitive?
21
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 4:09pm
My wife's recreational hobby is volleyball. She now plays twice per week and meets with her team for social outings once or twice per month. She goes to volleyball with an unmarried man 10 years younger than her. I am not only not invited, I am excluded from all gatherings. When I asked to substitute on one of her teams she said, "We've had teams for years, so you'll have to be on the bottom of the list." When I said I'd like to join her new team, she said,"Get your own team.". I then stated that I knew her "boyfriend" would always be on all of those teams, she just said that they always play together, that nothing ever happens and that it is too bad. I then stated that she has made a point of never having her "best friend" ever observe us in a social situation where we were husband and wife she answered-and this is really incredible-"Oh, I see this is some male marking issue. You want to piss on me to show that you own me!"

My question is: Is my wife perhaps the biggest A-hole to walk the face of the earth?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 4:41pm
Not an A-hole, but probably having an emotional affair and doesn't want you in that part of HER life. Very bad news.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 4:54pm
I don't think your wife is being an A-HOLE......maybe a little insensitive, but no one is perfect. It seems more that she is feeling threatened that the one thing she gets to do on her own, you want to come in on it. People in relationships need space from their partner. they need to have their own "thing" to do. Sounds like instead of trying to get involved in her hobby, you should find your own hobby and if and when she tries to engage in your hobby, you tell her that you give her space, and you request that she give you the same. I bet if you get involved in something those days that she goes out to play volleyball won't reign your head so much. Also, it doesn't sound like she is hiding anything with this younger guy. I think she is just upset that she can't do her hobby without getting negative comments. Trust her, she's your wife! If you don't trust her, hire a detective instead of accusing her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 8:08am
However, she already has one game per week. Now she's adding another and she fills that in with an extra night out with the "team" every couple of weeks. The "games" include dinner and drinks every night she plays. That's about 150 dates per year that I am NEVER invited to. Don't you think that's a bit excessive? If I do the same thing she does, then we would see each other only one day per week.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 12:55pm
LOL, yup, she sounds like an a-hole to me! When you are married you should do these types of activities together. I don't see why she has such a problem with you participating? THAT sounds shady to me. Some people think that spouses should have sperate activities but I feel they should only do this if they both agree to seperate activities. Take your wife to a marriage counselor.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 3:22pm
It sounds to me like your wife just wants some space. Not that that excuses her snappiness, but it may explain it a little. Do you have activities that don't involve her?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 6:15pm
The thing is if this post was written by your wife complaining that you go out 10 times a month in the company of a younger unmarried woman (sure its only volleyball) my guess is the responses would be significantly different.

It comes down to accountability not the level or types of activities. Is your wife accountable to your relationship? Is there just as much an investment on both your parts to quality time in your relationship? I have no issue with her playing volleyball or some social activities at all as long as its kep in a reasonable balance with the quality time in the relationship.

I would recommend you do 2 things:

1 - Invite your wife on planned dates, just like the old days. Continue to show your interest rather than just expecting interest.

2 - When she goes out alone, you go out too. Go play some pool or hang out for awhile at a Sports Bar and watch a game. Do something just for you that you enjoy.

Every relationship needs some "apart" time. Use it wisely so that you can be the best person you can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 6:22am
Thanks for the recommendations. It's funny, we used to play volleyball together all the time, now I'm not allowed to be in the presence of the team. Anyway, I've started looking for another team. Who knows, I might even end up playing against her! As for going out on nights she's playing or socializing, I often do. However, I'm also taking care of the kids, so the types of socializing I can do are very limited. I was also thinking that if I were to socialize like she does (3 nights per week) and those nights were different from hers, we would see each other one day per week. Wow, what a great marriage huh? The idiotic thing is, I really would just like some affirmation from her that I'm actually her husband, and to do this with her volleyball crowd. This would involve an invitation perhaps once every 2 months. However, this seems to be too much of a hardship for my "loving" wife. As you can see, I'm still fairly pissed and I feel I'm just at the edge of divorce.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 6:25am
She won't go to a counselor. I suspect that's because she would actually have to listen and fight fairly. Can't have that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 6:31am
I have activities that don't involve her. Of couse, they don't involve driving off with a younger woman for volleyball a drinks three times a week! I used to coach soccer a lot and have retired from that, so I'm filling some time with weight-lifting. I do that during lunch, so it doesn't impact anything at home. I wanted to get back into volleyball, which was met with icy rejection, but I'm trying to find another team. Meanwhile, I do travel with my work and often get in side trips, which is fun but not as fun as doing it with someone. (One of our other incompatabilities is my wife has zero desire to travel.) Anyway, I'm not a couch potato or a social outcast, so I'm doing just fine. What I need is adult companionship and I thought my wife would provide that. I'm learning differently.

P.S. Thanks for the comments.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 8:50am
Based on all your posts - your wife sounds like a cow - I'd let her know you are close to walking and that she'd best re-commit to the marriage or you're out of there.

Perhaps she has some resentments festering - could you hazard a guess at what they might be? When did things begin to change? Has she always been cold and insensitive or did something happen?

Coolas

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