Is my wife hopelessly insensitive?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Is my wife hopelessly insensitive?
21
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 4:09pm
My wife's recreational hobby is volleyball. She now plays twice per week and meets with her team for social outings once or twice per month. She goes to volleyball with an unmarried man 10 years younger than her. I am not only not invited, I am excluded from all gatherings. When I asked to substitute on one of her teams she said, "We've had teams for years, so you'll have to be on the bottom of the list." When I said I'd like to join her new team, she said,"Get your own team.". I then stated that I knew her "boyfriend" would always be on all of those teams, she just said that they always play together, that nothing ever happens and that it is too bad. I then stated that she has made a point of never having her "best friend" ever observe us in a social situation where we were husband and wife she answered-and this is really incredible-"Oh, I see this is some male marking issue. You want to piss on me to show that you own me!"

My question is: Is my wife perhaps the biggest A-hole to walk the face of the earth?
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 9:03am

Most men would feel uncomfortable to say the least with being treated this way. Her behavior is offensive and certainly dismissive of you. She accuses you of pissing on her, but that is what she is doing to you. It is clear that you are not feeling or being respected in this matter. It is fine for a spouse to have a separate activity, interest and even friends apart from the marriage. That can be healthy. Each person needs time on their own and a sense of themselves. However, her way of managing this and speaking to you about it is destructive. Coupled with the fact that she has this close relationship with that younger man, she does have a responsibility to make you feel cared for and secure about what is going on. It would be perfectly appropriate for her to include you at certain times and still keep a sense of her boundaries. What you are feeling is that she has a fantasy relationship with this younger man. If he saw the two of you together it would break into that. What is needed here is open, clear, respectful communication between the two of you. No good marriage is based upon a foundation where one partner feels dismissed.


All good wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 9:20am
She may well be an A-hole but you are the one who chose to marry her. What does that say about you and your choices? It sounds like there is little to no respect in your marriage and the source of blame is not volleyball or the other man. It lies with you and your wife b/c you are the two people IN this unhealthy and unhappy relationship. If she won't go to counselling, then you have two choices. Live like a doormat, accept this treatment and be miserable for the rest of your life. Or choose not to live this way and get a divorce. You cannot control or change what another person thinks, says, feels or does. Only what YOU think, feel, say and do. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 9:51am
Your post sounds so much like my situation, except I am the woman in it. Based on the replies you have had so far, I am going to be hated for what I have to say, but thought you might like to hear my story. I have a male friend who I go out with/round his house once or twice a week on my own. I've known him 6 years, but have only been seeing him for the last few weeks. My hubby was fine with this to start with, but when I started going every week, became very resentful. It all finally blew up in a big argument where he said he though the other guy was only after one thing, and what would a single man be doing with a married woman otherwise? I felt really hurt and resentful at his outburst - I felt he didn't trust me at all - it takes 2 to have an affair if that is what he thought the other guy wanted. Also, I have never moaned about him going out with friends, granted all his friends are male, but this is not a major factor for me. I also wanted to keep friend and hubby separate, my friend gave me a chance to switch off from being a mother and wife, and enabled me to relax. Anyway, after talking things through several times, hubby agreed to allow me to see my friend, and promised to try not to be resentful. He claimed he trusted me, but not this other guy. I continued going round there, but got the cold shoulder from my husband when I did - he has taken to going to bed early, turning all the lights off etc so when I get home at 11.30 I come home to a dark house, just as if he is punishing me. Earlier this week however, things changed. I went round my friends house, and he said he had something he needed to tell me. He then confessed to having feelings for me, and said he had for some time. He said he had no wish to wreck a marriage but felt he had to tell me. I was surprised, I genuinely hadn't known how he felt, but somehow or other we ended up kissing and one thing led to another and I ended up cheating on my husband. I was also very surprised at the intensity of my feelings for this guy. Whether this would have happened if my husband hadn't made me feel like he didn't trust me I don't know. I certainly didn't sleep with this guy to get back at my husband, it was my decision, and I am sure I will sleep with him again. I know it is wrong, but with my husband punishing me for having, what was until this week, an innocent friendship with no ulterior motive on my part, I feel no guilt at what happened. Don't push your wife into this other guy's arms by not trusting her, but also be guided by your instincts, it may not all be innocent.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 10:11am
Hate you? No, more like feel very sorry for you. It's really amazing and sad to me how people can be so incredibly blind in so many ways. Good luck dear. You're going to need it. I hope the intense feelings and exciting new sex make up for all the pain and turmoil you're headed for. Poor choices = unhappiness. That's just a fact of life that you're about to learn.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 10:11am
You've got to be joking - are you really trying to suggest that your husband contributed to your cheating by his attitude/behavior -- when it turns out that his instincts were right on the money - shame on you!! Take responsibility for your mistakes. Stop pointing the finger - nobody made you cheat - you did that all by yourself. And your 'friend' is no friend - any friend worth anything that had 'feelings' for a married friend would keep those feelings to him/herself, knowing that they were entirely inappropriate while that person was still married.

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 11:09am
Wow. What a bitch.

I think it's either one of two things. They may be a little out there, but I have a hunch.

A) she's seeing this "friend" of hers from her volleyball team or

B) she's a lesbian

Now, before you all go criticizing me on the lesbian comment, it's NOT because she plays volleyball. It's the fact that she doesn't include her husband in any of the events and seems very reluctant to have him even close to these people. They know something about her that he doesn't, which is why she doesn't want them around each other and why I came up with those two possible scenarios. Neither could be true. Maybe she just needs time away from him...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 11:09am
This is exactly the sort of response I expected. I take full responsibility for what happened - it was my decision, I could have walked away, I didn't. Whatever happens next is down to me. What I was trying to stress is that if I hadn't already felt judged and convicted by my husband, then maybe (and only maybe)I would have said no. The fact that he didn't appear to trust me, when marriage is all about trust, obviously upset me, and may have led to me cheating. At the end of the day, the buck stops with me but its not all black and white.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 11:27am
Great reply among other very good ones. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 12:46pm
And...which relationship did you come here wanting to "save"?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 1:17pm
question - does anyone else on the team bring their spouse/SO to these meetings?