at my wits end!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
at my wits end!!!
5
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 12:49am
I want to say that first off...I really do love this man BUT I need some serious advice.Is there such a thing as a superior complex?My bf of almost 1 year next month seems to be mad at the world.He was a child prodigy and STILL thinks that he knows it all.It has gotten to the point that he has insulted my home(in which he use to be over from time to time.He is always talking about himself and at times he seems to repeat the same thing that I've heard so many times before.In the beginning of our relationship I was upfront with him about what I expected in a relationship..in hopes to avoid getting into another emotinally abusive relationship that I was in before.Also...he is always talking about his exes at times during the small amount of time that I get to spend with him now.He also had told me that he would be there for me if I ever needed him.Well when I recently asked him to help me buy some medical books that I will be needing soon..he made it seem that he didn't remember saying that and made it seem like I was begging him for money.....I felt insulted about his remarks about my place.He acted like a child!!!I told him that I was insulted..I later tol dhim that I forgave him for his remarks(knowing that he wouldn;t apologize).My question is how do I get it across to him that he needs to grow up!!!!How do I get the point across to him that he really is hurting me and to stop the damaging remarks.I had told him in the beginning about the emotional abuse I went through with my ex and that I refuse to go through another one.I love this person very much but he has a problem.I know this.What can be done about this?How do I approach him?He has said that he could find someone else as well as I could find someone else too BUT he says that he wants to be with me.Well I want to be with him too BUT not with his attitude he has been showing me now for months.No other woman would stay with him either BUT he just doesn't seem to get it!!I know that I refuse to compromise my emotional health and wellbeing for ANYONE anymore.I just want to try to save this relationship if I can before maybe having to move on if there is no progress.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 1:55am

>>>In the beginning of our relationship I was upfront with him about what I expected in a relationship..in hopes to avoid getting into another emotionally abusive relationship that I was in before.<<<

It sounds like you laid the ground work but didn't follow through. You have to get your boundaries back. If he is unable to be in a relationship within those, he's the wrong man for you.

Many women who have been in abusive relationships in the past will judge a new bf to be "better" meaning he isn't as abusive; therefore, they don't recognize it as readily. I think that this may be the case with you. He is still being verbally and psychologically abusive of you.

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I am unable ot give legal or medical advice. My opinions are based on my experiences and my personal research.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 7:53am

First of all I will say that asking for money from a boyfriend/girlfriend is a pretty bad idea. You know, about nine tenths of the cases on Judge Judy are a boyfriend and girlfriend suing one another over who lent who money, whether it was a gift or not, ad infinitum - don't end up like that. Asking for financial help from a love (especially one who sounds like he may not be in your life too much longer) is thwarting trouble, I advise against it.

If you want to save your emotional well-being and stick up for yourself, then do it.

Just be forewarned; telling him he's childish and you don't appreciate the way he's been treating you is probably not going to change him. Be willing to follow through on your refusal to be treated as an inferior. You shouldn't put up with that. A marriage to this guy sounds pretty dismal, don't you agree?

You may love him, but a person with any self-respect wouldn't stick around with this guy. I imagine you two will have an argument in which you tell him you deserve to be treated better, and he either refuses to apologize or promises to change and then doesn't. The fact is, you can't really change someone else. If this guy has been mopey and degrading of others for so long, there's little you can do. Maybe leaving him will be a wake-up call for him.

All of the relationship questions on these boards can be combined into one question; "can you accept him as he is?" Think about whether or not you can continue to be with the person he is right now.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 9:43am

What you are involved in is emotional abuse, plain and simple. You experienced it with your ex and it is not unusual to repeat the same pattern with other relationships, if we have not worked out the issues within ourselves that attract this into our lives and allow it to go on. You cannot change him. Unless he realizes that he has a problem and actively wants to change, he will just go on as he is. You're wasting your time trying to fix him. Change yourself. Find out what it is within you that draws this kind of treatment and stays with it, for any reason. Get a good therapist and work it through. Otherwise, as you rightly say, this relationship can become quite damaging for you.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 2:01pm

Welcome to the board honestgirl,


I hope you take the good advice you have received already, especially Dr. Shoshanna's.

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 5:07pm

<< later tol dhim that I forgave him for his remarks(knowing that he wouldn;t apologize).>>

Why did you "forgive" him? He was never sorry! If he's not sorry for it, you have no reason to assume he'll ever change. He doesn't think there's anything wrong with the way he talks to you. He just tells you he can get someone else.

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To me, that does NOT mean the same thing as helping you out financially. That just means he'll be there to support you emotionally if you ever need it, unless he specifically said he'd help you financially.

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You ARE in another one. You are tolerating hurtful remarks. In order to avoid becoming enmeshed in an emotionally abusive situation, you have to set zero tolerance boundaries. Those boundaries should include "I will NOT stay in a relationship with someone who puts me down and demeans me in any way". He's put you down in many ways, and you're still there, hence telling him that you're sure to stick around when he talks to you this way. He isn't calling you a b*tch or other bad names, but he IS talking down to you, by saying you're acting like you're begging for money and he made rude remarks about your home. You DON'T speak that way to someone you love. And telling him you won't tolerate it isn't going to do a thing because you ARE tolerating it. Sure you might get angry or feel hurt, but likely he thinks you're just whining and he doesn't truly CARE that he's hurting you. If he did, he wouldn't do it. Period. And if he really thought he was doing something wrong, he'd want to do something to change himself, like get help or something.

So what exactly is it about him that you love? And how long are you willing to tolerate his abuse before you get out and get help for yourself to see how you got here?