my world (long)(vent)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
my world (long)(vent)
5
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 9:42pm
hi everyone. after looking through the board for the past couple of days, and debating whether or not to post, i have decided that it couldn't hurt to hear some opinions about my situation. so here it goes...

Im fairly young, early 20s, and i have been with my boyfriend ( i guess thats what you would call him for lack of a better word) for eight years off and on. i wont delve too much into the earlier part of our relationship except to say that we were young when we got together so we have been through quite a few things. The problem that i will discuss started about 3 years ago, in my freshman year of college were we both attend school. i started to talk to other guys and he really didn't appreciate that (which i can totally understand since i BEGGED him to leave home and go to that particular school.) and although i stopped within the first semester and never slept or even kissed for that matter any of the guys that i would conversate with, he totally blew up.

that year was a nightmare for me. he called me lots and lots of bad names,made my self esteem hit the floor. i understood that that was the way that he was dealing with the hurt that i had caused him, but being called a sl*t and a wh*re and h*e and the like, over and over and over made me feel like one. as a result i stopped enjoying sex. in fact, i hate sex. at first, when we would have sex, i would just replay all the things that he called me over in my head, later that subsided but i guess i never got over it. although i told him why i dont really like to have sex now (cause of the name calling) he acts like he understands and then calls me a lesbian and tells me that he is just going to get it from someone else. which of course makes me feel awful.

because i feel bad, i usually slip into depression and then in reaction he says stuff like, you always walk around with that ugly face or your sour all the time so i dont like to be around you, and things to that exstent. he knows that i get depressed (we've been together long enough) and he'll say you need a therpis, but not in a supportive way, in one that it condescendng and saracstic.

not too long ago, i put a keylogger on his laptop (i had doubts and they were confirmed) and found that he was talking to some girl who he claims that he doesn't know and that he cliams just started IM him. i told him that if he didn't want to be with me then fine, just dont pretend like stuff is gravy when its not. he assured me though that he would stop talking to her and calling her (they were talking over the phone too). the girls name was liz (not really) and then like a month later (on his BRAND NEW) cellphone, i seen like 10 missed calls from someone named beth (obviosly from the same girl her real name is elizabeth) and he totally denied it. like im crazy. once again i know that im right.

finally, all of my friends and sorority sisters adore him, so i have absolutly noone to talk to about this. i know this post was extremely long and im sorry about that but i was wondering if anyone could give me some advice or share similar stories with their solution. thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 2:52am

honey you RUN don't walk! GET OUT!!! and get yourself to your college mental health clinic and get help! this man is abusing you, and you are letting him.


NEVER EVER let a BF tell you who you can and cannot talk to! talking to other guys does not make you a sl*t!


he is abusing you, he is controlling you, he is degrading you - and all the while HE is doing whatever the h*ll he wants to do.


and trust me - that no matter WHAT you do, no matter how much you change for him, no matter how much you try to appease him - it will just get worse and worse and worse. i have totally BTDT - i thought it meant that he 'loved' me - he didn't want other guys to talk to me, gee that MUST mean he loves me, right? well, no, WRONG. love does not mean "control".


i am sorry you feel you can't talk to your friends. do you really KNOW for a fact that they adore him? or do they just react to his charm ( i am sure he is totally charming in public, that is part of the MO of an abuser). if you can't talk to your friends - then get to a health clinic please!


i am very concerened about this - please let me know what's going on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 8:48am
I can't agree more. You obviouslly know something is wrong (hence posting for advice) but sometimes when your IN the situation youself it's so hard to look at it from the outside. We are on the outside and EVERYTHING you described is abuse. Abuse doesn't have to be physical or sexual to be classified as that. What he is doing to you is EMOTIONAL and PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE. And just because you've invested 8 years into this realtionship doesn't mean you have to stay. You've been there long enough and endured quite enough, now it's time to leave. And when you do, go to your college counsler or another counseler outside of school and get the help you need to help you rebuild your self-esteem and to help get you out of depression. Best wishes.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 12:47pm
Hon, this guy is abusive - verbablly and emotionally. I too think you need to go to counseling - they offer it free at the college. Please work on your self-esteem because I'm willing to bet that once you feel good about you, you will dump this abusive guy and let him be with Liz (Beth) or whoever and not even care.

He's lied to you. Don't ignore that.

Reading material to consider:

When Your Lover is a Liar, Susan Forward

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse

Self Matters, Phil McGraw

The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen

The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 4:33pm
thanks to everyone who took the time to give me advice. as far as i know, my friends really do like him. i know what i have to do, its hard though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 4:58pm
It's probably true that most of your friends like him. But then lots of abusers are charming to people they aren't in a relationship with.


Carrie