My x is engaged & we're having sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
My x is engaged & we're having sex
12
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 12:42pm
I dated my x for 2months,we broke up b/c of my x-best friend.They have been together for 4yrs now & he proposed to her during their 2nd yr.9 months ago we started talking & 1night he just grabbed me kissed me we didnt have sex that night but that followed a few days later.At the time i was in a 3yr relationship.My exact words to him that night were"you know your cheating right?"& his answer"you are 2."I told him I didnt want him to marry her & i want to be with him.I broke off my 3yr relationship b/c i didnt want to live with the fact that i would be cheating on my boyf,my relationship also had its problems and although i love the guy the feelings i have for my x far surpass.My friends have told me he's not gonna leave her & im being used. When i finally questioned this 6months into our affair he answered that he wanted something fun,like no strings attached but that its different with me.From the 1st night we started i wanted to tell him I loved him but still continue to hold off telling him so b/c i dont want him to say we cant do this anymore but at the same time feel like he wants to say it too.What can i do to make him leave her?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 8:00pm

Welcome to the board psbebe,


I think one of these other boards might work better for you:


My Affair Support


Ending an Affair Support


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 8:15pm
He's not going to leave her for you. If he wanted you for anything more than a "no strings" personal play thing he would be with you. Why would you even want him? You'd get him and he'd cheat on you because that's the kind of guy he is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 8:36pm

"What can i do to make him leave her?"

Tell her that he's been cheating with you for almost a year. Maybe she will have the sense to kick his worthless self to the curb, and you might get to have a lying, cheating jerk for your very own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 12:42pm

You can't make him leave her. If he wanted too, he would have done so by now. I agree with the poster that said you could tell her and than more than likely she would leave him. What makes you think that he wouldn't cheat on you?


You deserve better than a relationship like this.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2007
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 8:09am
Dear psbebe, ok let just say this I am in almost the same position. First thing do not say the "L" word and there is no such thing as no strings!!!! because both will have a bond whith each other no matter what happens. This is what I have been doing to get through, first of all you have to try to think like him and by that I mean he is thinking that this is all fun and games right ? Well the thing he don't know is that the reason he keeps this thing going is because of feelings that he says he don't have. And for you I would say play the game wait till he says the "L" word the more your with him the deeper things will get he will say it sooner or later but dont say it first, That may make him think that your falling for him and he will say to you Its over and belive me I have been through this part but even if he dose say that, it will be ok because he has feelings for you and he will want you back. See he is looking at this as just fun and that is ok but what he dont know is that he is falling for you also. So if you say it first that is going to change things and he will back off. now for the othere woman part as long as you two are not caught this will go on till you call it off you have the power at this point and time. Eventhough you make him feel like he is in control of this,he is not you are. As for her (the other woman ) he is not going to leave her so dont think thats going to happen that is his security, and he wont let that go just yet. Because he thinks at this point and time this is just for fun and no strings so he is not thinking of telling her its over. so now you need to just sit back until the real feeling comes out, now he may get married but that will not change things between the two of you because of the bond that you have and i dont just mean sex. it is more than that see he thinks he has this whole thing under control and no feelings! are there that is why he is not going to tell her its over just yet but i can bet that if she the other woman says its over he will come running to you . Your going to have to wait for just the right moment! to get in there and take what you want! and it will happen soon enough. and by the right moment is when he is down and out with her it is like the saying dont kick a horse when he is down well i am here to tell you kick the crap out of it and take what you want that is how you play the game , and if anyone has been in this position they will know what i am talking about you have heard this before you play you pay and right now your the one that is paying so as soon as they get in a fight or whatever the case maybe you got to get in there at take it. He will open his eyes soon enough and you will be there for him not her think about this why is he coming to you in the first place ? HE IS NOT HAPPY WITH WHAT HE HAS !!!! so just sit back it may take some time but thats ok unless your not in love with him ? You will wait just like me play the game it will work.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2007
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 11:01am

He's just not that into you.

"he proposed to her"
He proposed to her, not you.

"When i finally questioned this 6months into our affair he answered that he wanted something fun,like no strings attached but that its different with me."
He wants something different with you, and that something different is definitely not treating you with the respect you deserve, such as with a relationship known to the public, not something hidden because of shame.

He's just not into you enough to leave his fiancee. Why would you want to be with a guy who keeps you on the side, and who doesn't like you as much as you like him?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 11:07am

You can't do anything to make him leave her. A person has to choose on their own who they want to be with. When you get involved with someone who's with someone else this always creates complications and difficulties, for all concerned. He is now involved with two women, and basically it's unfair to all concerned.


Perhaps the best thing to do would be to stop the relationship until he makes a decision. Then you'll know where you stand. You'll also feel better about yourself in the long run.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2007
Sat, 06-02-2007 - 3:05am
well, this is a tight situation. you know that friends don't backstab eachother, and shouldn't be. anyway, sex is for pleasure it doesn't mean love..even though you two slept together, it doesn't mean that he's gonna leave your ex-friend easily..i guess who satisfy him the most would win over this situation..plus, it's his decision so don't expect too much of him yet.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2007
Sat, 06-02-2007 - 5:26pm
Tell him you want to break it off and then he'll have to choose. If he loves you more he'll be back. Play hard to get, it kiils men! Be a B**ch!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2007
Sat, 06-02-2007 - 5:41pm
My advice to you would be STOP this unhealthly relationship now. It is the excitement that is keeping you going. When all that wears off, what will be left? He is showing you who he is. Even though he is engaged to someone else, he is sleeping with you. He definitely doesn't register high on the morality chart. By the way, neither do you. People are going to get hurt, and if you are lucky it may not be you, but I really see that coming. You have to stop this relationship and let him go. If it is meant to be then it will. But at the end of the day, when you look back, do you really want someone who cheated with you???

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