Need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2007
Need advice
7
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 5:40pm

I have a very basic problem. It happens all the time in even the best relationships.

I'm not very secure in my life, i love my boyfriend to death. There is a 7year age difference between us but that has never really been an issue.
I hate saying its my past that makes me uneasy of the future. He is the first guy i can say i can see myself growing old with. He makes me happy, me makes me feel loved, hes my support.

But sometimes i feel like he just doesnt get it. In past relationships i've been lied to cheated on ect. He tells me he would never do that, and i believe him ( and i still do ) but its hard for me to feel secure because of what i'm "used" too. I know he hates that too but i dont know how to explain it for him so he understands its NOT him it is me. We talk about everything (or at least i do) we have our ups and downs we get mad and push each others buttons.

I'm insecure, i get jealous easy, and i think i'm needy. I have a problem and i'm not sure how to get over my past so that way i can make sure we have a future together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2007
In reply to: gama0046
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 6:05pm

It sounds like my life.

Treat the earth well.
It was not given to you by your parents,
It was loaned to you by your children.
We do not inherit the Earth fr

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
In reply to: gama0046
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 6:35pm

Is therapy an option for you? Sometimes there's only so far you can go on your own, and you deserve a fighting chance at happiness.

I also think it's important to note that there's a difference between understanding you, and being understanding. No person on earth can relate to everything we've been through individually, and your boyfriend is not going to be able to feel everything in your past. He simply hasn't been through it before and doesn't know what it's like. No amount of talking can ever say the right words to make him "get" you - it's a concept you have to experience to understand. But you should tell yourself that's okay... Because he is an understanding PERSON and he tries his best for you even if he doesn't know what you're going through. If you know you can count on him to be there for you when you need him, then trust him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: gama0046
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 6:38pm

Welcome to the board gama0046,


Since you know what the issues are, you can address them in therapy and/or with some good self-help books.


Reading material to consider:


If This Is Love Why Do I Feel So Insecure? by Carl G. Hindy



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2007
In reply to: gama0046
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 9:25pm
thank you for your advice. Its nice to be reassured i'm not alone. i'm going to try to take your advice and just let what happen happen.... thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2007
In reply to: gama0046
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 9:26pm
i dont think he meant it on purpose but back around Valentines day we did get into a battle and he was thinking he didnt really "feel" for me or think it was going to work. But we talked/yelled and that was the only time thats really come up.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: gama0046
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 9:47am

It's important to work through the effects your past have had on you so that you don't play them out again and again in all new relationships. Your current boyfriend is not the same as your past ones. Yet, you still project these fears and insecurities upon him. That is natural, however it is also destructive if you've had a rough time in the past. A relationship in and of itself cannot function to make you feel secure or good about yourself. You have to find your own strength and self worth and then share that with your partner in the relationship. Don't use your partner as a therapist, or as someone who exists to make you feel good.


I recommend that you get some good therapy and work through the fears and insecurities you have with a trained counselor. Then you will able to be in the relationship in the most healthy manner possible.


All good wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2007
In reply to: gama0046
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 12:53pm

I'm glad I could help :)


Just make sure to keep your eyes open.

Treat the earth well.
It was not given to you by your parents,
It was loaned to you by your children.
We do not inherit the Earth fr