Need Advice..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2007
Need Advice..
6
Sat, 08-18-2007 - 4:17pm

I posted about this on another board on here, and I just really need some advice on how to deal, to be honest. I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year, and I am 6 months pregnant. At first we lived with his sister and her husband, but I left because his sister pretty much tried to control every aspect of my life. We paid $400 rent a month for 1 single room, with no door, in the basement. We had virtually NO privacy because there was no door, but they said we would be getting one soon! We never did. Anyway, everytime my BF and I would go out of town overnight, once for a family reunion on my side, and once to just get away, she would send us text messages saying we all need to have a talk.

He asked her what about, and she basically said me. I don't do anything around the house. Before that she sent me a text message telling me, to tell my Mother not to BEEP in front of her house, because she thinks its rude. It was 3 in the afternoon. So I FINALLY just got fed up when she TOLD my BF (NOT ME!) that she wanted me to clean the bathroom, or vacuum, or sweep, instead of asking me for my help. I told him I was going to live with my mom again because I didn't want to cause problems with his family, and he said FINE, have her come pick you up.

He was busy helping them move things from the house we just moved out of into this one, and my mom and dad came to get me. My mom beeped, and as I was coming up the stairs crying my eyes out, with my hands full, and on the phone with my BF, his sister started yelling at my about my mom beeping. My mother got out, and just basically said I hope youre happy that youre doing this to someone who's pregnant, and his sister started yelling and it just got out of control.

A few hours later, he came over to make sure I was ok, but wouldn't stay the night, until everything cooled down. He didn't stay still a couple days later.. and then he basically decided he would just live here with me.

His sister didn't like that, and he got a nasty email from his BIL saying that he hopes my BF can rely on my family now, because thats all he has.. and a nasty text from his sister calling my mom a b#tch and me a "diva" and saying she hopes that we are worth "sh#tting on your family"

All because he came to live with his pregnant girlfriend. He still went over there every couple of days and they were never home, and never asked him to do anything with them.

So he finally went back over and not only did they NOT talk about the situation, they all pretended like they didn't send those things to him. And, he did not stick up for me.

Now this brings me to needing advice.

We got into a big fight because I told him that, at this point, I wouldn't feel comfortable allowing his sister to watch our daughter when she is born. I don't see any reason why he can't bring her over there to visit, but I don't like the idea of leaving her there with people who hate me.

So now, for the last 3 weekends, he has went away with them. 3 hours away, with no cell phone service. The first 2 times I didn't let it bother me, but this past weekend (he is gone now) I told him that I don't think he should be going away every weekend like that. He told me that his BIL said I could go, as long as I apologize for my MOTHERS behavior. I don't think I should have to apologize for a grown woman. And I don't want to go anyway! They don't like me, so why would I want to hang out with them all weekend??

But my point is, I told him that I was upset that he would be leaving again for the whole weekend, and he got all pissy and said "FINE I won't go!"

So now I feel like he put me in a bad position.. he will resent me later for not "letting" him go on that camping trip, when ALL I want is for him to put me, the mother of his child, first.

He seems more concerned with keeping his sister happy, than me, and I don't know how to tell him how I feel without him getting mad at me. I don't want to break up with him, because before this happened, everything was so perfect.. I love him more than anything.. I just want him to stop kissing his sisters @$$!

Any advice is welcome, and I'm sorry this is so long! I really don't know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
In reply to: gina__bina
Sat, 08-18-2007 - 9:09pm

First I want to be a devil's advocate. When you are in someone's home, why wait until they are complaining that you don't help clean? Where you keping your area clean and helping out with chores, making meals, etc?

'with no door, in the basement. We had virtually NO privacy because there was no door, but they said we would be getting one soon! We never did'

Did you offer to help put one in?

Regarding the car honking, that is one of my pet peeves. Why can't your mom get out of the car- it is a simple solution.

Your myspace account says 'i have a weird personality.. people often mistake me for a snob, or a bitch.'

Have you been appreciative to your in-laws who have provided your room.

At the end of the day, if they are rude and controlling and your husband won't stsand up to you then you do have a real problem and you need to sit down with your husband and have an adult talk about responsibility, supporting each other and priorities.

Do you have plans to get married soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2007
In reply to: gina__bina
Sat, 08-18-2007 - 9:39pm

I was actually nothing BUT helpful to them. I watched her kids with no problem every time she asked, even if it meant I stay home, and everyone go out and have a good time.

I also kept our room SPOTLESS, and cleaned up my mess in the bathroom after I was done. After eating, I washed my own plates, and my boyfriends.

I did most of their laundry, since my room was across from the laundry room, with no complaints.

I never in a million years would have said no to something they asked me to do. However, I didn't find that it was MY job to clean up after her 3 kids. She doesn't work, and never once asked me to do any of the things she had a problem with me not doing. I'm am NOT a mind reader.

We told them countless amounts of times we would put the door in, but with our budget, we could not afford to buy it. But that wasn't the problem. They told us they would buy it.

I won't in a million years ever understand the pet peeve of car honking. If I told you my mother was handicapped, but still able to drive, would you still expect her to get out of the car? A little beep is HARDLY something to get irritated about. There are much bigger things in life to sprout gray hairs over.

And as for my weird personality, it's because I'm very shy, and often people mistake that for rudeness. I would do anything for anyone, no questions asked. I do NOT, however, like to feel like I am being taken advantage of.

She had SO many problems with me, but never could bring them to me, face to face.

No, we do not have plans to get married any time soon. I am actually looking for advice on how to talk about this with him, without him feeling like I am attacking him. But thanks anyways.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
In reply to: gina__bina
Sat, 08-18-2007 - 11:37pm
How old are you and your boyfriend?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2007
In reply to: gina__bina
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 12:05am
we are both 22.. I should mention the fact too, that we had put a security deposit down on a 1 bedroom apartment of our own, and were just waiting for it to be finished. We found out I was pregnant, and his sister and BIL encouraged us to live with them in order to save some money. We thought it was a good idea at first, because we'd be saving $$$ for the baby, and a 2 bedroom apartment, but it didn't work out that way.


Edited 8/19/2007 12:08 am ET by gina__bina
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
In reply to: gina__bina
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 12:40am
I think you need to distance yourself from the people who hurt you and are causing you stress. If this means living on your own without your boyfriend, perhaps that is for the best. Saving money is great but if it comes at the cost of your sanity it is not worth it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
In reply to: gina__bina
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 11:44am

My advice remains the same. You need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend about your feelings and how to be on the same page with dealing with your in-laws. You can't stop your SIL from being rude and controlling. the problem lies with the father of your child not defending you.

If there is an end in sight and you have an apartment waiting then see if he still wants to leave on the weekends once you move.If you still feel that he puts them first and doesn't want to spend weekends with you and doesn't want to marry you even though you do, then you have some serious thinking to do about your future.