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need advice
| Thu, 04-15-2004 - 1:41pm |
I have a very unique problem. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year. I sleep over at his house almost every night and we are planning on moving in together soon. We both love each other very much. However, we have not even kissed yet! We cuddle and flirt but nothing more. This is why: When he was very young he dated a girl who had gotten pregnant through rape. He became the father to this child and they planned on getting married. The girl eventually went back to the man who raped her... then tried to go back to my boyfriend. My boyfriend told her no, but later found out that that man had murdered his child. His ex-girlfriend went on to commit suicide. Only a month or so later his best friend comitted suicide because his little brother was being raped by his step father. Very few people know that this happened to him. This is a summary of the events... the longer story is much worse. He has feelings of guilt about what happened and also is confused because he is happy with me... but would not be happy with me if what happened had not have happened. He also worries about losing the memory of his son. I am very confused about everything. I understand that these events will always be with him and shape who he is. However, this was six years ago and he hasn't kissed anyone since. We are set to move in together but i am concerned about this road block. I feel that being able to be intimate is an important thing. As far as I know he has no desire to be intimate which also worries me. It seems like a small thing that we haven't kissed yet, and a I don't want to be petty and selfish. But am worried that this will lead to larger issues in our relationship. How can I help him? Should I encourage him to go to a counselor? How do i do this? I don't want to pressure him into doing anything that he isn't ready for so I don't want to mention it. Should I? Help!

Yes, encourage him to go to counseling.
Carrie
hi and hugs. much as yo uwould like to - you can't help him. and ask yourself - no matter WHAT the reasons are for his sexual dysfunction - is this something that you are willing to live with, long term? (i am currently getting out of a seven year marriage with no sex/kissing/intimacy and i can tell you that it is NOT fun)...
also - it sounds like there is more here than either you or he are telling. if he has fear of intimacy, i would wager that HE was sexually abused or raped. yes of course he needs professional help and if he doesn't want to get it - then i would suggest you RUN don't walk away.