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need advice
| Sun, 01-25-2004 - 6:38pm |
Hey I'm new to this but I would like some advice on my relationship.
I've been seeing this guy for about 5 months now and from the beginning
we have gotten along very well and still do. This has been a sometime long
distance realtionship because my job takes me out of town for a month at a
time on occassion. When we met he told me he was separated from his wife for
about 6 months. Although this bothered me I felt a connection with him and
continued dating him. For the first 3 months he would call me every night and
when I would be in town we would see each other. Because of his job, he's a policeman,
he works at night and it would be late at times before we could see each
other. So when we are able to get together it is at his house (which has
happened three times) or at someone elses, the local gym, or drive around
and talk. It is extremely rare for us to actually go somewhere like dinner
and a movie or out. Although this bothered me because of his job I tried to
be understanding. But I couldn't help but wonder why we hardly ever went out
together in public. And it didn't help that he admitted to me that he had
cheated on his wife twice while they were still together. About 2 months ago,
I decided I needed to talk to him because it has really bothered me that he
is still married although separated. The talk didn't go well and things
changed between us since then. Even though I didn't say that I wanted to end
things, I felt that he deserved to know that it was bothering me.
Unfortunately, he didn't take it very well and stopped calling me for a week.
I was really upset and wrote him a letter since he had always said that he
wanted to remain friends no matter what. I never expected to hear from him
again, but surprisingly he called the day he got the letter and we agreed to
try to work things out. It has been about two months since that time and
things have gotten progressively worse. He never calls when he says he will,
he cancels many of our plans, and sometimes he won't call for days at a time.
Just when I decide to get over him, he will call with some excuse for why he
couldn't call or had to cancel plans. Usually these have to do with his job
and aren't really things that I can verify. To top it off, my friend has seen
his wife several times and she still wears her wedding band and I know he still
sees her to drop off their daughter. Sometimes I wonder if they are really still
together and he's just lying to me. I feel guilty for thinking this because the
phone calls and letters he wrote me really made me think that he cares and of course
when we are together everything seems great, but I can't help wonder with the way
he has been acting. Please give me some advise.
I've been seeing this guy for about 5 months now and from the beginning
we have gotten along very well and still do. This has been a sometime long
distance realtionship because my job takes me out of town for a month at a
time on occassion. When we met he told me he was separated from his wife for
about 6 months. Although this bothered me I felt a connection with him and
continued dating him. For the first 3 months he would call me every night and
when I would be in town we would see each other. Because of his job, he's a policeman,
he works at night and it would be late at times before we could see each
other. So when we are able to get together it is at his house (which has
happened three times) or at someone elses, the local gym, or drive around
and talk. It is extremely rare for us to actually go somewhere like dinner
and a movie or out. Although this bothered me because of his job I tried to
be understanding. But I couldn't help but wonder why we hardly ever went out
together in public. And it didn't help that he admitted to me that he had
cheated on his wife twice while they were still together. About 2 months ago,
I decided I needed to talk to him because it has really bothered me that he
is still married although separated. The talk didn't go well and things
changed between us since then. Even though I didn't say that I wanted to end
things, I felt that he deserved to know that it was bothering me.
Unfortunately, he didn't take it very well and stopped calling me for a week.
I was really upset and wrote him a letter since he had always said that he
wanted to remain friends no matter what. I never expected to hear from him
again, but surprisingly he called the day he got the letter and we agreed to
try to work things out. It has been about two months since that time and
things have gotten progressively worse. He never calls when he says he will,
he cancels many of our plans, and sometimes he won't call for days at a time.
Just when I decide to get over him, he will call with some excuse for why he
couldn't call or had to cancel plans. Usually these have to do with his job
and aren't really things that I can verify. To top it off, my friend has seen
his wife several times and she still wears her wedding band and I know he still
sees her to drop off their daughter. Sometimes I wonder if they are really still
together and he's just lying to me. I feel guilty for thinking this because the
phone calls and letters he wrote me really made me think that he cares and of course
when we are together everything seems great, but I can't help wonder with the way
he has been acting. Please give me some advise.

It sounds as if you have surrendered your power to this man. What does that mean? Well, you seem to be attaching your happiness and emotional well-being to his actions. Please open your eyes! All you know of him is what he's told you. Your intuition is throwing up red flags, not necessarily because he's misrepresenting himself, but because, true or not, what he has to offer (or more particularly what he has been giving of himself) is far less than you deserve! I believe in the reality of compromise to make a relationship work, but if you find that you've compromised to the point that your needs are not being met, WHAT IS THE POINT.
By his reaction to your concern about him still being married, a lot of your questions regarding where you stand in relationship with him have been answered. Heed those answers.
This has been an experience. Yes, you've invested yourself emotionally (and physically)in this relationship and as a result feel the pain of loss. But you have also learned from this experience that you desire more and deserve more than simply what someone has to offer.
Bottom line... As legitimate as his reasons for cancelling or not showing up may be, YOUR needs are also legit. YOU do not have to feel guilty or selfish for wanting more. YOU DESERVE MORE! He can't give it to you. Move on...
You are right. Get out of this relationship with a lying, cheating man. Why do you think you deserve this?