need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
need advice
2
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 6:38pm
Hey I'm new to this but I would like some advice on my relationship.

I've been seeing this guy for about 5 months now and from the beginning

we have gotten along very well and still do. This has been a sometime long

distance realtionship because my job takes me out of town for a month at a

time on occassion. When we met he told me he was separated from his wife for

about 6 months. Although this bothered me I felt a connection with him and

continued dating him. For the first 3 months he would call me every night and

when I would be in town we would see each other. Because of his job, he's a policeman,

he works at night and it would be late at times before we could see each

other. So when we are able to get together it is at his house (which has

happened three times) or at someone elses, the local gym, or drive around

and talk. It is extremely rare for us to actually go somewhere like dinner

and a movie or out. Although this bothered me because of his job I tried to

be understanding. But I couldn't help but wonder why we hardly ever went out

together in public. And it didn't help that he admitted to me that he had

cheated on his wife twice while they were still together. About 2 months ago,

I decided I needed to talk to him because it has really bothered me that he

is still married although separated. The talk didn't go well and things

changed between us since then. Even though I didn't say that I wanted to end

things, I felt that he deserved to know that it was bothering me.

Unfortunately, he didn't take it very well and stopped calling me for a week.

I was really upset and wrote him a letter since he had always said that he

wanted to remain friends no matter what. I never expected to hear from him

again, but surprisingly he called the day he got the letter and we agreed to

try to work things out. It has been about two months since that time and

things have gotten progressively worse. He never calls when he says he will,

he cancels many of our plans, and sometimes he won't call for days at a time.

Just when I decide to get over him, he will call with some excuse for why he

couldn't call or had to cancel plans. Usually these have to do with his job

and aren't really things that I can verify. To top it off, my friend has seen

his wife several times and she still wears her wedding band and I know he still

sees her to drop off their daughter. Sometimes I wonder if they are really still

together and he's just lying to me. I feel guilty for thinking this because the

phone calls and letters he wrote me really made me think that he cares and of course

when we are together everything seems great, but I can't help wonder with the way

he has been acting. Please give me some advise.



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
In reply to: nole_fan1
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 8:05pm
The question is, "What do YOU want?" If in the final analysis your answer is, "Much more than this!" then count your experience with this man as just that... an experience.

It sounds as if you have surrendered your power to this man. What does that mean? Well, you seem to be attaching your happiness and emotional well-being to his actions. Please open your eyes! All you know of him is what he's told you. Your intuition is throwing up red flags, not necessarily because he's misrepresenting himself, but because, true or not, what he has to offer (or more particularly what he has been giving of himself) is far less than you deserve! I believe in the reality of compromise to make a relationship work, but if you find that you've compromised to the point that your needs are not being met, WHAT IS THE POINT.

By his reaction to your concern about him still being married, a lot of your questions regarding where you stand in relationship with him have been answered. Heed those answers.

This has been an experience. Yes, you've invested yourself emotionally (and physically)in this relationship and as a result feel the pain of loss. But you have also learned from this experience that you desire more and deserve more than simply what someone has to offer.

Bottom line... As legitimate as his reasons for cancelling or not showing up may be, YOUR needs are also legit. YOU do not have to feel guilty or selfish for wanting more. YOU DESERVE MORE! He can't give it to you. Move on...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: nole_fan1
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 10:34am
'Sometimes I wonder if they are really still together and he's just lying to me.'

You are right. Get out of this relationship with a lying, cheating man. Why do you think you deserve this?