need advice about an ex
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need advice about an ex
| Tue, 04-13-2004 - 1:32am |
So i am engaged, and happily engaged. The problem is my ex. See he broke up with me after dating for 4 months because he was moving across the country for his masters/phd. since I was in school i was not able to move. I was heart broken, and could never make sense of the situation. we broke up, got back together, broke up, got back together etc. He told me that he really loved me and would like to start a family togeter but the distance was too much. three months after we broke up, he started dating this girl (currently his fiance). I also dated other people and meet somone a year later (to whom i am engaged currently). I guess the reason I am even writing this is i just dont understand what happened. I mean there were many factors, we had a large age gap at the time ( i was 20 he was 28), the distance, he has a really hard time dealing with any kind of stress etc. I guess i just wanted to know if anyone out there could make sense of it. how is it he was able to get engaged to this women right after dating me. he is also having lots of problems with his relationship with this women (they postponed their wedding and he moved out). I know i shouldnt care at all, but since i am engaged and totally in love with my fiance, i thought it was important to face what happened with my ex so that i can fully move on and not think about it anymore. does anyone have any thoughts? was it he didnt really love me? was he just playing me? could it be simply he wasnt ready to settle down?

Many people will rush from one relationship itno another to avoid feeling the pain. All this really does is accumulate pain from one failed relatioship to another as evidenced by his current troubles. This is not necessarily a commitment issue though it can be - it is often a very distorted view of what a real relationship should be - it has its up and downs and requires work and effort. Some people buy the whole movie scenario hook line and sinker thinking that if they feel anything but estatic, then there is something wrong. They see the other person as being at fault but not realizing that they are always the common denomiinator in their relationships. It has little to do with how much they loved another but more to do with how little they love themselves. They are not capable of giving that which they do not possess inside.
You may want to read Mars & Venus ona Date. He gives a pretty good description of the stages of love and what can happen when people try to jump over them. It may answer your questions.
Best wishes on your upcoming marriage!
Toni
You are fortunate to be in love with your fiance and with somene who is stable and able to enter into a committed relationship with you. It sounds as though your ex had problems of his own, and still has them. Even though he got engaged to someone else, his same patterns have repeated and he's moved out.
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
::how is it he was able to get engaged to this women right after dating me.
Take your pick - he didn't want to be alone, OR he didn't want to heal or grieve for the end of the relationship with you, OR he did go for self-examination.
::he is also having lots of problems with his relationship with this women (they postponed their wedding and he moved out).
Sounds like REBOUND to me. All the things he pushed down, emotionally after you, now they are coming up and manifesting in his current relationship, NOW he has to deal with them.
::I know i shouldnt care at all, but since i am engaged and totally in love with my fiance, i thought it was important to face what happened with my ex so that i can fully move on and not think about it anymore.
It's not about facing what happened, it's more about accepting that it happened and that YOU are NOT LESS THAN because of the break-up, not less than because he jumped into the next relationship so quickly, not less than because it didn't work out with him.
::was it he didnt really love me?
No, but if the two of you didn't break up, you wouldn't be where you are today. Separating your ego and how you feel about yourself from how he felt about you, what he did or didn't do, is the important key here. We all want to be loved, we all want to think someone loved us and it wasn't all for nothing....but it wasn't for nothing. The experience helped mold you, define you, etc to who you are today and none of it was wasted time.
::was he just playing me?
No, probably, just not really knowing himself.
::could it be simply he wasnt ready to settle down?
Could be, but more liking he doesn't know who he is, he's not self-aware enough to be the kind of guy you want and need.
Time to put it to bed.
Carrie