Need advice on commitment

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2008
Need advice on commitment
14
Wed, 07-09-2008 - 12:03am

Hi,


I'm a man who is trying to save his relationship with his fiancèe and I'd like any and all advice I can get.


Since my fiancèe and I have known

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2008
Wed, 07-09-2008 - 6:15am

Dear Soulpower,


I read your story and thought of leaving a suggestion here. The most important thing that you should do is probably take a pen and a paper and jot down your most important things in life. It could be your Family, profession or money. Put them in place first and rest can be taken care of later. Read the story I am mentioning below It would make a lot of sense. Is this Girl/marriage a big rock for you or small....decide!!


One day an expert in time management was speaking to a group of business students and, to drive home a point, used an illustration those students will never forget. As he stood in front of the group of high-powered overachievers he said, "Okay, time for a quiz."


Then he pulled out a one-gallon, wide-mouthed Mason jar and set it on the table in front of him. He then produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar. When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, "Is this jar full?"


Everyone in the class said, 'Yes."


Then he said, "Really?" He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. Then he dumped some gravel in and shook the jar causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the space between the big rocks. Then he asked the group once more, "Is the jar full?"


By this time the class was on to him. "Probably not," one of them answered.


"Good!" he replied. He reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in the jar and it went into all of the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked the question, "Is this jar full?"


"No!" the class shouted.


Once again he said, "Good." Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim. Then he looked at the class and asked, "What is the point of this illustration?"


One eager beaver raised his hand and said, "The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard you can always fit some more things in it!"


"No," the speaker replied, "that's not the point. The truth this illustration teaches us is: If you don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all."


Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-09-2008 - 11:29am

The larger problem here seems to me to be that you feel "pressured" into this wedding, and have not truly fully committed to it as of yet. You said it is "her" wedding. Until and unless you feel that it is both of your wedding and that you mutually desire this, you will not be able to show her the deeper committment she desires. The ring is only a symbol of this. The fact that you updated your own car to a luxury car and were willing to go into debt for this and not a ring is a sign to her, that she comes second. And perhaps it is so. Are you truly committed to this woman and to being married? If you are, you would be able to naturally express it in many ways. The fact that you ask for a way to show her means that this feeling is not active and alive within you. It's not about what you do or give her, it's the actual, true committment that she wants, deserves and is waiting for.


Unless you truly feel as though you want to be married, that it is your wedding too, and that it means as much to you as it does to her, there will always be an imbalance, and true fulfillment will not come.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Wed, 07-09-2008 - 11:39am
why on earth are you getting married to this woman?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2008
Wed, 07-09-2008 - 11:48am

Thanks, Dr. Shoshanna...


You are right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Wed, 07-09-2008 - 12:28pm

So, when you say there was an ultimatum involved in the wedding, and since there is no engagement ring, was this engagement and this wedding completely her idea?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 07-09-2008 - 12:32pm

This woman isn't thinking about marriage but about the material side of the wedding. While planning weddings is stressfull and she would understandably want more input from you, she isn't prioritizing. Is she getting pressure from others, wondering why she doesn't have a ring.


The commitment should be about the relationship, not a piece of paper and a reception.


What was the ultimatum???


'I went and re-upped on the car'


What does this mean? Was it something that needed to be done?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2008
Wed, 07-09-2008 - 1:07pm
" She wants me to finance a ring to prove my commitment to her and the wedding." You both should have talked about it before starting anything.when you knew she was planning 'her' wedding , a ring has to be there.I never heard of a wedding w/o a ring!
there is no way except to buy her a ring because thats her way of knowing that you are committed, anything else you do will still not be hitting home with her.
Its not a good sign to get M.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2008
Wed, 07-09-2008 - 1:11pm

Yes, the ultimatum was either we're planning something indicative of commitment by x data or we're breaking up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 07-09-2008 - 1:24pm

Welcome to the board soulpower2008,


I find it odd that you are marrying a woman you didn't even 'officially' propose to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2008
Wed, 07-09-2008 - 1:28pm
We've been going to pre-marital counseling for about a month. This, unfortunately, is an off week.

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