Need Advice on Confusing Relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Need Advice on Confusing Relationship
6
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 10:16am
Hello.. I'm new to the boards here. I need some advice about my relationship--I havn't had a helluva lot of experience in the past so I was hoping someone here could shed some light on my situation because I'm completely lost!

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. He's a sweet, loving, charming man whom I do trust, who treats me well and shares the same values that I do. On the outside, our relationship looks perfect, but there is one big problem that is gnawing away at me. The issue of love. He's really weird about it.. I've been in love with him from nearly the start, but for him, it has been fleeting. He has told me he is falling in love with me, only to claim he no longer feels that way just months later. This has happened 3 different times already. During the last one, I told him I should leave--that if he doesn't love me by now, he never will. He freaked out. He told me he's happy with me, but says he feels no love, for me or anyone for that matter.

Am I a fool for staying this long? I've only gotten this far because I've never been so completely in love with anyone before. I know he has had a rough past with his last 2 relationships--First he was engaged (she dumped him shortly before the wedding) and his next gf gave him an ultimatum 1 yr into the relationship (marry me or I leave). Both women he loved and I think he's a bit scarred from it all.

Help please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 1:01pm
He feels no love for anyone? wow! I would guess that he has a troubled past that he is avoiding. However, that is no reason to hold you responsible for it.

At any rate, you must decide what is important to you and follow that path. If you can accept that he doesn't return your feelings in the same depth, then continue witht he relationship. However, if it bothers you, then you have to accept reality - he probably feels as much as he is willing to show at this point and you must do what is in your long term best interests.

Have a very candid discussion with him - lay it out there. Tell himthat you need to know that he loves you and is in love with you. Otherwise, you will need to reassess your long term future because you cannot be happy with deep and genuine love being returned to you. Don't accuse, give ultimatums or anyting like that. Just state your needs and your definition for a happy and committed relationship. Ask him what his are and compare. If you can negotiate, great. If you cannot, then you have to decide what works for you and live with those consequences.

make smart choices and value yourself above any relationship.

Best wishes to you.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 4:58pm
I realize it's hard for guys to do, but have you asked him about getting counseling or advice on his issues? It seems like he has a very unhealthy pattern in place when it comes to love. He probably is scared to make himself vulnerable with someone. If he cannot process his issues about this, and be able to be vulnerable with you eventually, you need to tell him your needs... such as you NEED to break up if he refuses to work on this, or you'll have a lifetime of heartache. Try to see how he feels about counseling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 1:24pm
Up to this point, I have been accepting his lack of confirmed love. What's odd about it is I always think he IS falling in love with me by the way he acts. He gives me those long looks that you give someone you love, he says things like "goodnight, my love" and will talk about us as an old couple. He plays the part of a man in love so well that sometimes I want to think he's lying about not loving me just to avoid marriage. If he acted like a man "not in love" then leaving would be a piece of cake. *sigh*

But you're right.. I need to put myself first. A discussion sounds like a good idea. I have to figure it out in my head before I bring it to him, but I will update on the board once I do.

Thanks for your advice(-:

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 1:42pm
I know he'd never agree with counseling. He has told me he doesn't believe in psychiatry, and he's too stubborn for me to try to persuade him otherwise. But you hit the nail right on the head with the vulnerability issue. I can understand why he might not want to talk to strangers/ a counselor about very personal feelings, but how can I get him to talk to me? It should be easier I would think! I don't want him to feel like I'm analyzing him/playing therapist..
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 6:29am
I've dated a guy like this before, and I totally understand how you feel. The reality is, this guy has issues and he obviously doesn't want to deal with them. My ex told me that he would never open up his heart to anyone, and I had no choice but to walk away. In the two years that we dated, it didn't hit me until the end that I had been blinded and holding onto false hope that he would change. I had to ask myself if I wanted to be with someone I loved with all my heart and soul that didn't feel the same way about me. If he doesn't love you completely after 2 years, you can almost bet he never will. You deserve to be with someone who will reciprocate your feelings.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 6:34am
Then what do you think you can do? You can't do anything because he is set in his ways, and obviously he doesn't think it's too big of a problem. Gosh he sounds like my ex. Staying with him is like beating your head against a brick wall repeatedly. You have to learn that you *cannot* change people and you shouldn't stay with someone who you can't accept. Of course he enjoys spending time with you, of course he likes you, but his past prevents him from opening up his heart and it isn't something he is willing to deal with.