NEED ADVICE FAST-Final talk w Ex tonite

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
NEED ADVICE FAST-Final talk w Ex tonite
3
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 12:29pm
Here's the concise version of what’s going on... and I need advice today!!

My girlfriend and I "broke up" in February. We stayed together basically as if nothing had changed. I took this as a sign that maybe we could work things out. But a month ago, suddenly, she started really pulling away. Now, we talk maybe twice a week and I've only seen her once in 3 weeks. Obviously something has changed again.

I still love her, but realize that I have to let go. She doesn't feel the same way anymore. After work today, I'm talking to her to finalize everything... ask the questions that have been bothering me and vent some of my sadness and frustrations before a period of No Contact.

Here's my dilemma:

Of course I'd love to be back with her. But I know I need a period of NC FIRST to heal and to see if she misses me. What, if any, are some basic guidelines as to what to say and what NOT to say? I know... no begging and whatnot. I'm not going there. We're just saying goodbye for now. I'm meeting her after work today and I'm using this time to prepare myself mentally for what I know is going to be a painful and emotional experience. Any advice on what to say or how to phrase things is greatly appreciated!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 12:54pm
It sounds as though you're still harboring hope deep down that she will want to get back together. It doesn't sound like that's how she feels from what you've described, in which case I think it will be the biggest source of ongoing pain for you. When two people end a relationship, I personally think the best road to take and the one that leads most quickly to letting go and moving on is the road of *acceptance.* That means you accept the basic truth that you are not a right fit for one another. The reasons why don't even matter that much. Just realize and accept that neither of you is right or wrong, neither of you is bad, neither did something wrong that caused it to end, neither is to blame or responsible that you are not a right fit. That is just life. Not everyone is right for everyone else. Dating is a journey to find someone who's a right fit and that HAS to be a mutual and lasting feeling. If it is not mutual, or lasting, then it isn't a right fit. Accept that, grieve it, take something positive away from the experience, learn from it and let go. Then move on and try again. That's the attitude I'd try to adopt and embrace if I were you instead of worrying about what to say and what not to say. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 1:01pm
I don't have much experience breaking-up but since you need advice right away, I'll give it a shot. I thought that what you said in your post sounded good. I will tell you about one of my break-up experiences. The guy broke-up with me because he said he needed more "physical involvement". I kind of stood there like a deer caught in headlights, when he kissed me good-bye, I kissed his lips like nothing had changed. I don't know what good this does you, but after that I acted non-cholant, hope I spelled that right. Guys started coming after me a lot because I acted like the break-up didn't bother me, and it really didn't. However, then the old guy begged me back, and, dumb me, I took him back.

Of course, I was very young and inexperienced then. I'm sure the rules of break-up change, but certain dynamics stay the same. You don't want to be hostile towards this girl, but you probably don't want to let her know it bothers you too much, either. Since she doesn't seem to be breaking-up with you for any good reason, my guess is that once she starts wondering why you're not devastated by the break-up, she'll wonder what's wrong with her. Then she'll test the waters to see if you want her back. If you don't jump at it, she'll probably start doing more and more to try to bring you around. Have you been easily attainable for her up to this point? A lot of women, unfortunately, like someone who seems unattainable. I suspect she'll start wondering if the break-up makes her look bad if it doesn't seem to bother you and start hanging-out with other women. Good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 2:27pm
I'm probaby just older but I wouldn't advise playing those types of immature games. They rarely lead to a successful, long-lasting adult relationship (if that's what you're looking for). I think Zurah's advice was good if you're actually looking to grow and mature and get over this. If she was into you and thought you were IT for her, there wouldn't have been a break-up in Feb, followed by dwindling contact and interest. Sure, you could maybe get her to play the push-me-pull-you game for awhile, but is that really what you want for yourself in the end? Hopefully not. Take care.