Need advice before I go crazy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2012
Need advice before I go crazy!
3
Mon, 12-03-2012 - 12:37pm

Ok I am going to try to make this as short and straight to the point as I can. I will start off on a short background on myself. I am a white female from Houston, TX and I date black males and it has been this way since I was about 13 years old. I didn't have a terrible life growing up but my father was in and out of the picture for years and then just up and left one day and my mom raised me and my 2 sisters alone until we all graduated from high school. I will say I have had several unsuccessful relationships I am not proud of and I think without that male role model in my home I looked in all the wrong places. My mother and now stepfather are not against me dating outside of my race at all, as my stepfather (wonderful man by the way) is Hispanic. But besides that I am now 25 and have a beautiful 8 month old daughter with my 33 year old boyfriend who I love very much. Our daughter is both our first child. I am just struggling a little bit because I was laid off from work in August and I am starting to feeling mixed emotions and doubt myself on some things. As far as my boyfriend, he is 33 and originally from Baton Rouge, LA but lives here in Houston with me and our daughter. He works very hard, almost 90 hours a week to provide for our family and does a wonderful job. His parents have been married for over 45 years and his dad just recently passed away in November which was very hard but we are taking it day by day. So right now we are in a spot in our lives where I am a stay at home mother and he works and we are raising our daughter together. My bf is an amazing father by the way and takes care of our daughter and loves her to death. He takes her out and has daddy daughter time together, he dresses her, plays with her, feeds her, puts her to bed, changes her diaper, and helps me with her as much as possible and he has every quality i could have possibly hoped for when it comes to being an amazing father for our daughter. 

Now getting to the future. My boyfriend and I pretty much met by chance one weekend before I was supposed to be getting my new apartment and doing my "independent" thing. I was just leaving an ex-boyfriend and finally got my own apartment and was just waiting for my keys that next Tuesday and I met my now boyfriend the Saturday before that. We met while I was out with my friends and he was out with his and I was totally rude to him most of the night because I was not looking for any male attention at that time but after about 4 hours of talking (he was very respectful, charming, and kind) i finally gave him my phone number and we spoke off and on on the phone for almost a month before seeing each other again. We ended up finally hanging out one night and we just became inseparable after that. We were together almost everyday and then 5 months into our courting/friendship I found out I was pregnant. We were both shocked and excited at the same time. A little while after I became pregnant tho he started just disappearing on me. He wouldn't be gone longer than a day/day and a half but he would just disappear and ignore all calls, texts, emails or anything from me. He eventually told me that this pregnancy was overwhelming and he never expected to have kids and he was trying to get his old life of partying and being single out of his system. 

Fast forward, he moved in with me, got a great job with my stepfather (he is still there) and the disappearing acts stopped. I told him and myself that I wasn't going to play any games like i did in previous relationships because I am tired of that life and I expect to be treated as I deserve, especially now that I have a baby to think about and he agreed and things are good. He worked all the time during my pregnancy as did I but his job was an hour away so sometimes i wouldn't see him for a week because he worked nights some week and he would be gone before i got home from work and would get home in the morning after I left for work which sucked but I was ok with it because we were doing well and that break between us was definitely needed at times! Well we got into a routine, enjoyed my pregnancy, had our baby shower (which he attended and I was so happy about that) and then moved into a new apartment so my parents could help us with our first child. He wasn't too happy about moving into this new apartment because not too long after we moved in the complex went downhill and he knew him nor I were the type of people that needed to be here especially with me at home alone with our new baby girl. But we got over that.

Ok really fast forward. I am basically confused at how i should handle my emotions I am having. I truly feel his mother and sister don't really like me and only tolerate me because I am his daughter's mother. Yes they are nice and welcome me into their home but his sister still thinks that she needs her baby brother for everything and thinks he should living with her even tho he is 33 and i just don't understand that but whatever. And i think his mom feels somewhat similar as his mom and sister talk everyday. His dad loved me for who I was and it didn't matter to him that I was white or had tattoos or anything but now he is gone and that really hurts me as well. I want to fit in with his family just as he fits into mine. My family loves him and respects him because we are together and he is my daughter's father. Don't get me wrong, he provides for the 3 of us, he loves us and protects us but sometimes I get the vibe he is truly happy here but he is taking care of responsibility because he is now a father. We have had several arguments where he has told me he doesn't see a future with me and then finally when i told him that i appreciated his honesty and now I know I can make a sound decision on what I needed to do with my life and how to raise my daughter and be a good role model for her he had a change of heart. If we ever separated he was always going to take care of his daughter by the way. I then found out he was texting some girl he used to see in California when he lived there years ago (he was texting her a few months back) and when I confronted him he was honest about it and stopped talking to her completely. Things smoothed over.

But now, I am a stay at home mom and I enjoy it but I rarely leave the house. I am currently collecting unemployment but most of it goes towards bills and so I try not to spend any extra incase we need it. So i am at home most of the time but he does go out (as do i SOMETIMES) and he goes out of town to Louisiana back at his parents house and I am usually at home and i am about to lose my mind. He does watch our daughter when i go out tho i just miss the me and him time that i feel we never really get anymore. I am just really starting to wonder if there is anything else to life besides just being a mom. He still loves me, compliments me, we have a great sex life but i feel like our lives have revolved around working and parenting. I want to get married by the time i am 30 and he has told me that he doesn't know if that will happen because he has never seen himself getting married. I just feel like i am losing myself and who i am just because i am a mother and that is not how it should be but i don't know how to go about it. I want to be married and eventually have more children and i just want to feel like i am totally loved by the man i am with especially now that we have a child together but for some reason i am not feeling that way and i am just totally lost. And i dont know if I am just feeling this way or if this is something i should really be concerned about. I really need some advice on how to handle this and if any other mother has felt this same way. I apologize for this being long but that was the only way i feel yall would understand what i am trying to say. I am just totally lost so please help. Thank you.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Tue, 12-04-2012 - 7:29am

oreomommy2012 wrote:
<p><span style="color:#333333; font-family:garamond; font-size:13px; background-color:#fafafa">Ok I am going to try to make this as short and straight to the point as I can. I will start off on a short background on myself. I am a white female from Houston, TX and I date black males and it has been this way since I was about 13 years old. I didn't have a terrible life growing up but my father was in and out of the picture for years and then just up and left one day and my mom raised me and my 2 sisters alone until we all graduated from high school. I will say I have had several unsuccessful relationships I am not proud of and I think without that male role model in my home I looked in all the wrong places. My mother and now stepfather are not against me dating outside of my race at all, as my stepfather (wonderful man by the way) is Hispanic. But besides that I am now 25 and have a beautiful 8 month old daughter with my 33 year old boyfriend who I love very much. Our daughter is both our first child. I am just struggling a little bit because I was laid off from work in August and I am starting to feeling mixed emotions and doubt myself on some things. As far as my boyfriend, he is 33 and originally from Baton Rouge, LA but lives here in Houston with me and our daughter. He works very hard, almost 90 hours a week to provide for our family and does a wonderful </span><a href="http://www.momforum.com/#" title="Click to Continue &gt; by I Want This" rel="nofollow">job</a><span style="color:#333333; font-family:garamond; font-size:13px; background-color:#fafafa">. His parents have been married for over 45 years and his dad just recently passed away in November which was very hard but we are taking it day by day. So right now we are in a spot in our lives where I am a stay at home mother and he works and we are raising our daughter together. My bf is an amazing father by the way and takes care of our daughter and loves her to death. He takes her out and has daddy daughter time together, he dresses her, plays with her, feeds her, puts her to bed, changes her diaper, and helps me with her as much as possible and he has every quality i could have possibly hoped for when it comes to being an amazing father for our daughter. </span><br /><br /><span style="color:#333333; font-family:garamond; font-size:13px; background-color:#fafafa">Now getting to the future. My boyfriend and I pretty much met by chance one weekend before I was supposed to be getting my new apartment and doing my "independent" thing. I was just leaving an ex-boyfriend and finally got my own apartment and was just waiting for my keys that next Tuesday and I met my now boyfriend the Saturday before that. We met while I was out with my friends and he was out with his and I was totally rude to him most of the night because I was not looking for any male attention at that time but after about 4 hours of talking (he was very respectful, charming, and kind) i finally gave him my </span><a href="http://www.momforum.com/#" title="Click to Continue &gt; by I Want This" rel="nofollow">phone</a> <span style="color:#333333; font-family:garamond; font-size:13px; background-color:#fafafa">number and we spoke off and on on the phone for almost a month before seeing each other again. We ended up finally hanging out one night and we just became inseparable after that. We were together almost everyday and then 5 months into our courting/friendship I found out I was pregnant. We were both shocked and excited at the same time. A little while after I became pregnant tho he started just disappearing on me. He wouldn't be gone longer than a day/day and a half but he would just disappear and ignore all calls, texts, emails or anything from me. He eventually told me that this pregnancy was overwhelming and he never expected to have kids and he was trying to get his old life of partying and being single out of his system. </span><br /><br /><span style="color:#333333; font-family:garamond; font-size:13px; background-color:#fafafa">Fast forward, he moved in with me, got a great job with my stepfather (he is still there) and the disappearing acts stopped. I told him and myself that I wasn't going to play any games like i did in previous relationships because I am tired of that life and I expect to be treated as I deserve, especially now that I have a baby to think about and he agreed and things are good. He worked all the time during my pregnancy as did I but his job was an hour away so sometimes i wouldn't see him for a week because he worked nights some week and he would be gone before i got home from work and would get home in the morning after I left for work which sucked but I was ok with it because we were doing well and that break between us was definitely needed at times! Well we got into a routine, enjoyed my pregnancy, had our baby shower (which he attended and I was so happy about that) and then moved into a new apartment so my parents could help us with our first child. He wasn't too happy about moving into this new apartment because not too long after we moved in the complex went downhill and he knew him nor I were the type of people that needed to be here especially with me at home alone with our new baby girl. But we got over that.</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#333333; font-family:garamond; font-size:13px; background-color:#fafafa">Ok really fast forward. I am basically confused at how i should handle my emotions I am having. I truly feel his mother and sister don't really like me and only tolerate me because I am his daughter's mother. Yes they are nice and welcome me into their home but his sister still thinks that she needs her baby brother for everything and thinks he should living with her even tho he is 33 and i just don't understand that but whatever. And i think his mom feels somewhat similar as his mom and sister talk everyday. His dad loved me for who I was and it didn't matter to him that I was white or had tattoos or anything but now he is gone and that really hurts me as well. I want to fit in with his family just as he fits into mine. My family loves him and respects him because we are together and he is my daughter's father. Don't get me wrong, he provides for the 3 of us, he loves us and protects us but sometimes I get the vibe he is truly happy here but he is taking care of responsibility because he is now a father. We have had several arguments where he has told me he doesn't see a future with me and then finally when i told him that i appreciated his honesty and now I know I can make a sound decision on what I needed to do with my life and how to raise my daughter and be a good role model for her he had a change of heart. If we ever separated he was always going to take care of his daughter by the way. I then found out he was texting some girl he used to see in California when he lived there years ago (he was texting her a few months back) and when I confronted him he was honest about it and stopped talking to her completely. Things smoothed over.</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#333333; font-family:garamond; font-size:13px; background-color:#fafafa">But now, I am a stay at home mom and I enjoy it but I rarely leave the house. I am currently collecting unemployment but most of it goes towards bills and so I try not to spend any extra incase we need it. So i am at home most of the time but he does go out (as do i SOMETIMES) and he goes out of town to Louisiana back at his parents house and I am usually at home and i am about to lose my mind. He does watch our daughter when i go out tho i just miss the me and him time that i feel we never really get anymore. I am just really starting to wonder if there is anything else to life besides just being a mom. He still loves me, compliments me, we have a great sex life but i feel like our lives have revolved around working and parenting. I want to get married by the time i am 30 and he has told me that he doesn't know if that will happen because he has never seen himself getting married. I just feel like i am losing myself and who i am just because i am a mother and that is not how it should be but i don't know how to go about it. I want to be married and eventually have more children and i just want to feel like i am totally loved by the man i am with especially now that we have a child together but for some reason i am not feeling that way and i am just totally lost. And i dont know if I am just feeling this way or if this is something i should really be concerned about. I really need some advice on how to handle this and if any other mother has felt this same way. I apologize for this being long but that was the only way i feel yall would understand what i am trying to say. I am just totally lost so please help. Thank you.</span></p>

What I get out of this is that he is going to take care of his baby, do for her and love her, but that is a completely separate issue from building a life with you.  From what you've written, it sounds like he has no interest in marrying you, at least no time soon and certainly not on your timetable.

The rest of it sounds to me like you're trying too hard to make his family like you.  Stop wasting your time. They're under no obligation to do so, just because your family accepts him. Would be nice if they did, but that's not "what is". Whatever their feelings are behind you being in his life and having his baby is on them and the sooner you give up trying to make them feel something they don't want to feel, the saner your life will become. 

Yes, there is more to life than being a mom, but it's now a major part of what you'll be about for easily the next 20 years and you have someone else's interests you have to put before yours for the time being.  I remember the day when Babygirl was an infant and it dawned on me that this is all there was to my life--now that she's 29, I can look back and say that that feeling eventually lifts once you're not so overwhelmed because you're at the start of the 20 year journey through raising your child. The upside for me was that I was content with having only one child--I never had a need or desire for more, so I was able to get about the business of creating more in my life sooner than if I had a house full of children.

You're going to have to go build your life for yourself if you want a life.  It's clear that you cannot count on your boyfriend to fulfill your fantasy of marriage, home life and children.  That may have to be attained through a new relationship with a man who wants marriage then children, not the other way around because as you can see, children are not able to force feelings in adults that said adults already do not have.  You have a lot of hard decisions to make with regards to your future and by extention, the child's future because she is owed her relationship with her father, too, just like she's owed her relationship with you.  It is not her fault that you two are her parents and that he doesn't want to marry you. 

My advice:

~determine how you're going to go about building your life and get to work doing it;

~do not make your daughter a pawn in a power struggle between your boyfriend, his family and you and your family. That would be patently unfair and selfish.  She will see for herself as she grows up who is truly on her side and who just views her as something to use to hurt someone else and trust me, she will know without you having to say a thing.  Children aren't stupid.

~examine that you've attracted your father's character in your boyfriend, with regards to him going MIA on you and the baby. While it may be because of a familiar feeling that you've unwittingly have brought that energy back into your life, your daughter deserves a father who is going to be in her life and in contact with her. He doesnt' necessarily have to live under the same roof to also have constant contact with her. He should always be encouraged to keep that bond with her strong, despite his lack of wanting to marry you and create more children with you.  From what you've written, it appears that he has no issues in providing for her and that is a good thing.

~breathe.  You won't feel overwhelmed forever.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 12-04-2012 - 2:02pm

I agree with the previous post. You have to be prepared to move on from your BF if he is not prepared to give you what you want out of life, marriage, etc. Maybe he will change his mand, maybe not, but it depends on how long you are going to wait to make the next step.

I do not have children, but I could understand that they take over your life. I would imagine many first time parents feel this way. You have to find other activities/hobbies to define yourself beyond motherhood, if you feel you need more. Perhaps at 25 you were not prepared to settle down and have kids, maybe you wanted to live the single life for a while longer. It is a little late for those thoughts now obviously, but I think your young age could have something to do with feeling smothered.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2012
Tue, 12-04-2012 - 8:53pm

I totally agree with both posts. We just had a talk about everything yesterday evening and he confirmed that he loves the both of us and cares for the both of us but right now he just is not ready for a fulltime relationship with me. I respect that. I think I just finally needed to hear it confirmed from his lips so I wouldn't be wondering forever. I know for sure that he will continue to be a good father whether we are under the same roof or not...he has always been a great father and has not shown any signs that may indicate otherwise. I will say that even though I don't want for us to end, I thank God he has a bond and relationship with our daughter that I know she will have forever.

As far as his family...I really do need to stop trying to be everything I think they may want me to be and be myself. I think what made me try so hard is that I knew now that we have a baby together I am stuck to him for the rest of my life and I wanted to make sure together or not, we had a good relationship between us. But I should also understand that just because of the child, that doesn't mean I have to change who I am for them either. So I think that may be the easiest adjustment for me to make for myself.

And as far as our daughter being a pawn between us, I made a vow to myself long before I had children, even after the crappy impression my father made on me about men, I would never be the type of woman and mother who uses their child(ren) against their father or for my personal gain and I thank God my mother never did that with us no matter how much of a bad person my father was.

And I think the feeling I have as being overwhelmed is mainly due to not being busy in my own life, especially since I am not working, and spending all of my time and energy on my daughter. I don't think thats 100% unhealthy but now that I am starting to go through all of these other different feelings...I think if i don't do something about it such as a hobby or getting into school, that it will become unhealthy and the only person I could blame is myself.

So all in all...I just need to get my ducks in a row, take care of my daughter, maintain a positive relationship with my daughter's father whether we are in a comitted relationship or not, and establish a life for myself that is healthy and as happy as I can make it. I know God will see me through, as He always has and I will continue to pray about all of this and walk down the path He leads me. Thank you for all of your advice. It is always nice and helpful and encouraging to hear it from people who don't actually know me and aren't biased and I know i'm not actually crazy lol Thank you both!