Need advice before I go crazy!
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|Mon, 12-03-2012 - 12:37pm|
Ok I am going to try to make this as short and straight to the point as I can. I will start off on a short background on myself. I am a white female from Houston, TX and I date black males and it has been this way since I was about 13 years old. I didn't have a terrible life growing up but my father was in and out of the picture for years and then just up and left one day and my mom raised me and my 2 sisters alone until we all graduated from high school. I will say I have had several unsuccessful relationships I am not proud of and I think without that male role model in my home I looked in all the wrong places. My mother and now stepfather are not against me dating outside of my race at all, as my stepfather (wonderful man by the way) is Hispanic. But besides that I am now 25 and have a beautiful 8 month old daughter with my 33 year old boyfriend who I love very much. Our daughter is both our first child. I am just struggling a little bit because I was laid off from work in August and I am starting to feeling mixed emotions and doubt myself on some things. As far as my boyfriend, he is 33 and originally from Baton Rouge, LA but lives here in Houston with me and our daughter. He works very hard, almost 90 hours a week to provide for our family and does a wonderful job. His parents have been married for over 45 years and his dad just recently passed away in November which was very hard but we are taking it day by day. So right now we are in a spot in our lives where I am a stay at home mother and he works and we are raising our daughter together. My bf is an amazing father by the way and takes care of our daughter and loves her to death. He takes her out and has daddy daughter time together, he dresses her, plays with her, feeds her, puts her to bed, changes her diaper, and helps me with her as much as possible and he has every quality i could have possibly hoped for when it comes to being an amazing father for our daughter.
Now getting to the future. My boyfriend and I pretty much met by chance one weekend before I was supposed to be getting my new apartment and doing my "independent" thing. I was just leaving an ex-boyfriend and finally got my own apartment and was just waiting for my keys that next Tuesday and I met my now boyfriend the Saturday before that. We met while I was out with my friends and he was out with his and I was totally rude to him most of the night because I was not looking for any male attention at that time but after about 4 hours of talking (he was very respectful, charming, and kind) i finally gave him my phone number and we spoke off and on on the phone for almost a month before seeing each other again. We ended up finally hanging out one night and we just became inseparable after that. We were together almost everyday and then 5 months into our courting/friendship I found out I was pregnant. We were both shocked and excited at the same time. A little while after I became pregnant tho he started just disappearing on me. He wouldn't be gone longer than a day/day and a half but he would just disappear and ignore all calls, texts, emails or anything from me. He eventually told me that this pregnancy was overwhelming and he never expected to have kids and he was trying to get his old life of partying and being single out of his system.
Fast forward, he moved in with me, got a great job with my stepfather (he is still there) and the disappearing acts stopped. I told him and myself that I wasn't going to play any games like i did in previous relationships because I am tired of that life and I expect to be treated as I deserve, especially now that I have a baby to think about and he agreed and things are good. He worked all the time during my pregnancy as did I but his job was an hour away so sometimes i wouldn't see him for a week because he worked nights some week and he would be gone before i got home from work and would get home in the morning after I left for work which sucked but I was ok with it because we were doing well and that break between us was definitely needed at times! Well we got into a routine, enjoyed my pregnancy, had our baby shower (which he attended and I was so happy about that) and then moved into a new apartment so my parents could help us with our first child. He wasn't too happy about moving into this new apartment because not too long after we moved in the complex went downhill and he knew him nor I were the type of people that needed to be here especially with me at home alone with our new baby girl. But we got over that.
Ok really fast forward. I am basically confused at how i should handle my emotions I am having. I truly feel his mother and sister don't really like me and only tolerate me because I am his daughter's mother. Yes they are nice and welcome me into their home but his sister still thinks that she needs her baby brother for everything and thinks he should living with her even tho he is 33 and i just don't understand that but whatever. And i think his mom feels somewhat similar as his mom and sister talk everyday. His dad loved me for who I was and it didn't matter to him that I was white or had tattoos or anything but now he is gone and that really hurts me as well. I want to fit in with his family just as he fits into mine. My family loves him and respects him because we are together and he is my daughter's father. Don't get me wrong, he provides for the 3 of us, he loves us and protects us but sometimes I get the vibe he is truly happy here but he is taking care of responsibility because he is now a father. We have had several arguments where he has told me he doesn't see a future with me and then finally when i told him that i appreciated his honesty and now I know I can make a sound decision on what I needed to do with my life and how to raise my daughter and be a good role model for her he had a change of heart. If we ever separated he was always going to take care of his daughter by the way. I then found out he was texting some girl he used to see in California when he lived there years ago (he was texting her a few months back) and when I confronted him he was honest about it and stopped talking to her completely. Things smoothed over.
But now, I am a stay at home mom and I enjoy it but I rarely leave the house. I am currently collecting unemployment but most of it goes towards bills and so I try not to spend any extra incase we need it. So i am at home most of the time but he does go out (as do i SOMETIMES) and he goes out of town to Louisiana back at his parents house and I am usually at home and i am about to lose my mind. He does watch our daughter when i go out tho i just miss the me and him time that i feel we never really get anymore. I am just really starting to wonder if there is anything else to life besides just being a mom. He still loves me, compliments me, we have a great sex life but i feel like our lives have revolved around working and parenting. I want to get married by the time i am 30 and he has told me that he doesn't know if that will happen because he has never seen himself getting married. I just feel like i am losing myself and who i am just because i am a mother and that is not how it should be but i don't know how to go about it. I want to be married and eventually have more children and i just want to feel like i am totally loved by the man i am with especially now that we have a child together but for some reason i am not feeling that way and i am just totally lost. And i dont know if I am just feeling this way or if this is something i should really be concerned about. I really need some advice on how to handle this and if any other mother has felt this same way. I apologize for this being long but that was the only way i feel yall would understand what i am trying to say. I am just totally lost so please help. Thank you.