Need Advice- NEED HELP!
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| Thu, 12-13-2007 - 1:09pm |
Ok.. I'm no stranger to this board.. That's for sure.. ha,ha.. But I'm having a little crisis..
If you've read my past posts, I'm back with my ex-boyfriend from 6 years ago.. Everything has been great with us.. Talking about getting married, kids, etc.. The whole shebang!
Well this past week we both have been home. I hurt my hand, and he had surgery.. So I was home the beginning part of the week taking care of him.. Besides the pain, he was in a great mood.. Loving.. and attentive..
All of a sudden this morning he came into the bathroom saw my makeup bag in the sink, as I was getting ready for work.. Got all mad and was like " Loading on the makeup Huh?" I just brushed it off and said "please don't give me crap about it.. ". I know that he hates makeup.. I recently learned this.. He is a very simple person.. Doesn't think that I need makeup, as I am "naturally beautiful" i don't share that same view, as I have worn makeup for years.. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not one of those girls that cake on the makeup everyday.. Light makeup is what I wear.. Nothing fancy.. I think that he takes it as me trying to impress other people.. Make myself look better for everyone else.. And that's not the case. I work in customer service, and I need to look professional.
He left the apartment, without even a goodbye.. Then called me and explained himself.. He basically said that he hates Makeup and perfume, and that the only person that I need to impress is him, not everyone else.. And said that he probably won't come home tonight as he has to think about things..And to not be surprised if his stuff is gone when I get home.. I spoke to him for a while on the phone and got him to agree to come home and talk to me.. Talk about everything.. I don't want our relationship to be thrown out the window over makeup.. Seems very silly.
HE has said before that he is very insecure.. He has nothing to be insecure about. He's very handsome!! I know that he's been cheated on before, so it might stem from that.. But I've never done anything to him or said anything to have him think otherwise.. I want to be with this man forever!! I have no quams about it.. I love him, and have for the last 6 years..
Please.. Someone give me some advice.. I need to know how to approach this when we talk tonight.. Right now I have no idea what to say to him... PLEASE HELP!!!!!

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I understand what you are saying..
He says that he hates it, and that's that.. I think that he's trying to see what i'm going to do.. I know that's not right either..
But I love this man with all of my heart and soul.. He's really a great guy.. And I just don't know what happened to make him snap like that.. To take such a small thing.. Like makeup & perfume and have that be the deciding factor in wether our relationship will work or not..
He's been burned a lot in the past, and has made comments before that he would rather be single than to have to deal with any fighting, etc. I'm trying my hardest to have him break down those barriers that he has up..
He had been persuing me for the last 6 years, and to break up with me over makeup seems rediculous.. However, like I said before. I really don't want to lose him!
Welcome back fieryfairy2006,
This reaction was totally uncalled for. He is trying to control you. Don't let him do it. It is your choice if you want to wear makeup and perfume, and to leave you for such a thing is ridiculous. I have a feeling he will be using little things like this an excuse to break up fairly often.
He isn't ready to be in a serious committed relationship.
glitter-graphics.com
So, do you think that he's just trying to test me? See what I'll do?
I was in a very controlling marriage before, and bf knows this.. He's never been controlling before!!! Ever.. We never fight or argue.. We don't have any problems! We get along pretty great! Better than any other relationship I've ever been in actually.. So for this to happen out of the blue is just shocking..
Thanks..
I know that he has a big insecurity about being cheated on.. I'm not the cheating type! I never have, and I honestly don't believe in cheating. No matter how much I tell him that he just doesn't seem to believe me.. I just don't know what I can do to prove to him that he's the only one that I want to be with.. He admitted that he gets jealous easily when other guys look at me or talk to me.. And I tell him that he has absolutely nothing to worry about..
Added to that Christmas is never a good time for him.. His mother passed away a while ago, and it's hard on him.. Maybe he's dealing with that stress as well? He seems to bottle things inside until they just come out.. He has admitted that to me..
This man is more than insecure, he seems possessive and controlling, wants to take over your life. Of course you have every right to wear make up or anything else that makes you feel good about yourself. His statement that you only need to impress him, indicates that he is not respectful of the fact that you do have a life of your own and is jealous and threatened by your independence. This is not good. Adding his threat to leave on top of that, it seems as if you are dealing with an unstable and potentially abusive individual.
Perhaps he was cheated on before and that is the cause of his turmoil. But whatever the reason is, he needs to work it out, not to act it out on you.
I would think twice before I stayed in this situation. Unless he is willing to seek help for his anger, jealousy and possessiveness, you could be letting yourself in for a rocky road up ahead. If he wants to go, let him. Don't buckle to these threats. Let him know you're going to wear make up and anything else you like for the rest of your life. Control, domination and intimidation have no place in a healthy relationship.
Best wishes,
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One year ago I left a very abusive, controlling relationship.
The first 3 years were good - then he started using very subtle ways to control me.
His reaction scares me. Especially coupled with the fact that he knows he's insecure.
I doesn't seem as though he's quite able to come to terms with the fact that this is his problem, not yours. I think he seriously needs a therapist to help him work through his insecurities. You should insist on it before accepting any marriage proposal.
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