Need advice not to scare him away

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Need advice not to scare him away
10
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 4:52pm
HELP - I think I may be pushing him away!

Hi all. Well, I've read a few threads and will start mine the same way: I'm new at this. Really. Never done it but I am obviously desperate to get some good advice on my situation. Here it is:

I'm currently in a long-distance relationship. It's only been a few months. We've known eachother since we were kids (really!), lost touch, and then got in touch again. When we did, he had just separated from his wife (currently living apart and will divorce - I don't have any doubts about that), and I was seeing someone. After our first meeting, we couldn't stop thinking about eachother, or talking to eachother. He, especially, expressed his feelings for me and admitted that he had a crush on me when we were kids. Funny enough, I always liked him, but we were way too shy, and studious to do anything about it.

Well, now, we are together, as in, a couple. I love him more than I can explain, and I think he feels the same way. - notice the doubt? He has said he feels the same way. He has shown me ( I think) that he feels the same way. But for some reason, I feel insecure. He initiated the relationship. He called, and emailed from all over the world, at any time of the day. He wanted us to be a couple. I did too, but I resisted slightly at first. What a nut. He's a gem and I'm glad I gave him a chance.

We live apart - too far apart for my liking. Since we met, we've seen eachother twice in three months. Both were long visits, not just dates. He took me away for a wonderful weekend, and I visited him for almost a week in his home town. I've just grown to love him more and more, and I hope he feels the same way. The problem is that he has his divorce to go through. His family is pressuring him to give his marriage another chance and does not support his decision. He was not happy in his marriage and they apparently don't understand why he didn't stick it out. He wants to take things "slowly" with me because of that and because he has to make decisions about his work, and where geographically it will take him. What the hell does this mean? When we're together, we are like two peas in a pod. Neither of us can believe how amazingly well we get along, and how wonderful we feel when we're together and how in love we are. I just figured that if he felt that way, he'd do whatever it took to get us to be together.

He hasn't mentioned my moving there. He has mentioned that he cannot come here because of his job. I understand that and I think I'm willing to do that for us. When I tell him that, I don't think he believes me, and if he does, he doesn't understand how or why I would be willing to give up my life in a big city to move and be with him. You see, he holds some regret for allowing his ex to do that and then when it didn't work out, he felt guilty.

He does tell me that he wants to be with me in the long run. I want that too, but right now I need more. I need him to call me more often, I need him to reassure me that he still wants a future with me, I need to hear all that mushy stuff so that I can keep going in this long-distance thing. He's awefully realistic and can detach himself from a situation, yet I am the opposite.

The more he pulls away, the more insecure I get, and the more I need from him, which I don't feel like I'm getting right now. I asked him if he wanted to see other people and if this was moving too fast. He said no to the first question, and yes to the second, until I asked him to explain, and he couldn't. So he admitted that we weren't moving too fast.


I think I know what he needs. I think he needs me to back off and not pressure him about any decisions about our future. I know that if I persist, I will push him away. But, it's not fair. He wanted this. He expressed his feelings and hopes and plans for our future together. Why, when I catch up to him, do I feel he is freaking out (which he denies, by the way).

You guys out there - tell me something. Do I need to let him chase me? Do I need to play those games and pretend he might lose me? Do I need to let him call me, and stop calling him? Do you guys need to feel in control of the relationship? If he tells me that he loves me, should I doubt it? Why doesn't he cry when we say goodbye?

You gals out there - any advice on keeping him interested and making him work more for us?

Gosh, I feel so pathetic. I honestly don't know how to deal with this. I've never been in a long distance relationship before so I really need help! We talk at least once/twice a day, and he always tells me that he loves me. Am I being too insecure?

By the way, I haven't heard from him at all today. He seems to do this on Sundays?????

Please help!

thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 8:55pm
First things first... BREATHE...

It is very possible that your insistence is pushing him away. He has A LOT to deal with on his table right now. A divorce is a very consuming experience, (I've heard), and seeing that he does not have the support of his family in that decision your man can be, despite appearances to the contrary, OVERWHELMED and EMOTIONALLY OVERDRAWN.

So your demands on him right now may not be realistic, all things considered. As someone from the outside looking in I can say, SLOW DOWN. Even though he can see himself wanting to give you and share with you all the things that you've discussed, it is highly unlikely that even he knows when that could be. It isn't even really fair to ask that of him now. He's going through a life altering experience and has to take the time to make any grounded decisions. After all, you surely don't want him encouraging you to move to be close you him when he can't make any promises about your future together. That's not fair to him and it's definitely not fair to you. It isn't fair to ask someone to give you what they don't have to give...even if they would if they could. And it sounds as if he would like to meet your needs but he can't...not won't...can't. At least not right now.

In love there's give and take, and right now he needs you to give him the opportunity to work through his divorce, and get back in touch with his own needs. Now it's up to you whether you're willing to support him and be understanding of his need for time to heal. Right now it is all about him.

I hear you. He approached you, he initiated your relationship, etc. therefore he should be more reassuring, right? Well, do you want him to tell you what you want to hear? Or do you want him to treat you with dignity and respect, even if what he may eventually decide may not be what you wanted to happen? YOU have to decide. Your Mr. Right may not be your Mr. Right Now...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 10:31am
'I think I know what he needs. I think he needs me to back off and not pressure him about any decisions about our future.'

You are right. He is going through hell with the divorce and his family and honestly it sounds like a lot of things are right in this relationship except the timing which is huge. He isn't ready for another marriage or anything close to it.

I have been in your situation before. We met before his divorce was final so it was a rebound. He had no desire to go back to her but he was still reeling from the effects of the divorce. We got along fabulously but his fear was stronger then our relationship could take. One day out of the blue he freaked out and left.

'I know that if I persist, I will push him away. But, it's not fair. He wanted this.'

Yes he told you wonderful things while he pursued you and he meant them. But you were also an escape from his problems and a bonus to his ego. He got some of those loving feelings back. Now he feels a little differently and he is allowed to.

I am sure he loves you but that doesn't mean he can handle another serious relationship right now. Honestly I think the smartest thing you could do is to give him a break for a few months until he gets things in order.


I know it is hard. Email me through my profile if you want to talk more.

Gina

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 10:58am
calm down, woman! let this man breathe! you're approaching this all wrong!


Do I need to let him chase me?

**yes, you absolutely do. this is a man we're talking about. don't forget that.

Do I need to play those games and pretend he might lose me?

**it's not a game and it's not pretending. if this guy doesn't pursue you and make efforts through he actions and words to show YOU that he is the man for YOU then he will lose you - there's no pretending about it. what man would want any woman who throws herself at him????


Do I need to let him call me, and stop calling him?

**yes, the more you call him the more needy and clingy you make yourself look.

Do you guys need to feel in control of the relationship?

**to some degree, yes. depends on what you mean by "control" but i definitely need to have my head on straight and be able to keep everything in perspective. so do you.

If he tells me that he loves me, should I doubt it?

**uh, men really don't say this when they don't think they mean it (unless, of course, it's accompanied by an erection and said by someone who only wants to get into your pants). stop being so insecure.

Why doesn't he cry when we say goodbye?

** because men don't cry like that. honey, are you looking for a man or a girlfriend? do not ever expect your man to react or behave towards you and your relationship the way a woman does towards another woman's friendship.

men are a horse of a different color and you better start acting like you are a woman worth having.

he will follow suit.

back off and let his divorce work its way through his system. you're trying to hard and you don't need to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 4:59pm
May I tell you that this a wonderfully candid and honest response and has had a huge impact on me. Thank you. Where does your depth and wisdom come from? I know that you are correct. I know this because he didn't want to come home for the holidays (his family lives - literally - 2 minutes from me) because he didn't want to deal with them telling him he made a mistake and he didn't want to deal with visiting his ex and all that surrounds it. As difficult as it was for me, and as easy as it was for me to jump to insecure conclusions, I told him that I respected his decision, and that even though I wished we could have been together for the holidays, that I understood that he has had a difficult year, filled with soul searching and much adversity. I wanted to let him know that I was there to make his life better, not to add more conflict to it. Not bad for needy little me, huh? Well, it was true. That's when I knew how much I loved him. It was selfless - and I wanted him to be happy.

Sometimes, however, I feel like he doesn't give me enough love to be so courageous and understanding. This is where I'm at now.

We spent a wonderful 5 days together. I just wish he'd tell me he wanted more of me. I hate to think that it was enough.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 6:08pm
Thanks Gina.

I tried emailing you but it didn't seem to work.

Gosh, I'm lost.

"Yes he told you wonderful things while he pursued you and he meant them. But you were also an escape from his problems and a bonus to his ego. He got some of those loving feelings back. Now he feels a little differently and he is allowed to."



Why doesn't he just tell me, it that is the case?

Should I ask him? Should I just ignore the blip? He told me that he was going to be busy for the next month or so and that I need to know that he still loves me and not get freaked out. I'm afraid of how I'll react to all this.

I've been burned far too many times. I can't control how my feelings may change if I need to pull away or if I constantly have to deal with all this uncertainty.

He freaked out on me once before, but it was because he thought I expected him to leave the military for us to be together - All in response to his own promise to do whatever it took to keep us together. I guess he thought about it and realized that if that meant giving up his life in the military, he couldn't do it. I never asked, nor expected it. He just got a little scared, but we made it through.

He's truly my best friend. I'm going to do my best to make it work. Usually that means honesty. In my case, I need to be a lot more patient and a lot less insecure.

I'd love to keep in touch Gina.

Please write back: tettah@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 6:21pm
Just my opinion as a guy. I'm no expert since I have relationship problems myself. I just think he is second guessing a relationship with you and the divorce. Especially if his family thinks he should try to make it work. How long has he been married? Any kids? I don't like games, but don't contact him for a week or two. I don't know if that is the normal time between communication or not. Like most relationships they start out hot and full of fantasy, but that wears off. Maybe you were the rebound. That may sound mean, but I just recently split from my 3-year girlfriend and I feel I need a date or two just to get out. Nothing replaces the last one better than the next one?? Step away for a little bit to see if it is real.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 6:40am
Oh dear I feel your pain. I have my own post up here called: Gut wrenching pain.

Its so hard, I know but I have just learned a very valuable lesson. I'm not suggesting this will happen to you though.

I'm 39 years old and met THE love of my life a year ago. We had an amazing relationship. The oly problem was that every now and then, for what seemed like no reason, he backed away. Usually on Sundays...same as you! First he backed away for a day...then a little longer...then longer. He called me though every night- said he missed me, said he loved me. Continued to send me emails in the morning. Eventually his emails came later and later in the day. Said he needed space. I gave it to him. He did the push-pull, come here go away...I thought to myself, keep doing what your doing. Give him his space. The only problem was what my mind was telling me. If you give him what you want you will get what you want. Unfortunately this isn;t always true. He ended our relationship Monday night. needless to say Im devastated. Totally. Everyone has told me Claire...you don't want a man who won't climb mountains to be with you. He's a commitment phobic- divorced 4 years. His relationships in the last 4 years for a series of 3-5 months. We made it longer..but it wasnt sustainable. I couldnt MAKE it work. I just realized that when I read your post.

Its either going to work or it wont. But I dont beleive one can MAKE it work. Its a control thing..I know. We feel desperate at the thought of losing him. Despite my best efforts, we are no longer together. But I'm realizing slowly, very slowly, that I didnt "lose" him. He lost "us". Through no fault of his own. He's not aware of his fear. At all. He struggled with this decision, I know he did. I'm sure he's feeling all sorts of releif right now. He said he felt "pressure" when I didn't cause any. And I mean didnt cause any. I'm sorry I'm rambling. Bottom line sweetie is while he's pushing and pulling, you need to stand still. Make a list of your needs. An honest list. Put tick makrs beside which needs he is honestly meeting. Be true to yourself.

Good luck.

Claire.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 10:08am
Thanks Claire. I am sorry to hear that things didn't work out. I try to remain hopeful, but at times, I do get desperate. I always assumed it was just a function of men. I do ask him if he misses his ex and their relationship and his answer is an immediate no. When I ask him if he feels guilty for not missing her, he also replies NO. I like to think he's over her and ready for me, but I just don't know, and if I don't know, that's where the problems begin because I get clingy. It is a constant effort not to show him my insecurities. I know that if it's meant to be, it will be. To be honest with you and everyone else who may be reading this, my concern is not what to do to make it work, it's what NOT to do so that I don't scare him away, while at the same time, being true to my needs.

Is there any chance that you two can reconcile? Did he explain why he doesn't want your relationship anymore? Maybe you should ask him. Maybe you should try and talk it through. Perhaps if he is scared, he needs to know that you are scared too and that the two of you can get through it together - if that's what you want.

Good luck and thank you for your advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 10:35am
Oh my !!!! You are in a quandry arent you !! 1st of all, you need to back off,(not meant to be rude). Let him do the calling and chasing,and all that mushy stuff. Dont let him feel like hes got u by the you know whats...second of all, If he loves you,and you are so good together, what is he waiting for. If its the divorce, tell him to get on the ball, and your not waiting forever.Third of all, You must understand, that if there are kids involved,this would put a damper on things,thus,striknig out my second piece of advice. Kids are usually a soft spot in a mans heart, and he will usually be guided by them.You have to a little patient, but, dont let too much time lapse if you really want this thing to work,. remind him often, that you are not happy with this long distance relationship, and you want him to be with you. if this continues though, maybe he really does want to have you and also the family as well,and not tell you for fear of losing you.

Long distance relationships are difficult, especially when another "women"( his wife ) is involved (with divorcing). Be patient, and other matters( kids,legal things etc.)dont make it easy either.....Hang in there, be a little patient, stop calling him, let him do the chasing, and DO question him about the Sunday thing. Good luck and hang tight.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 11:54am
Thanks Matthew. No kids involved. Should I ask him when the divorce will be final? Doesn't that seem pushy? You guys are just way too difficult to figure out. I generally let him do the calling. I do email him once or twice during the day but the calling is mostly on his part. About the Sunday thing: does it make sense that he likes to spend that time alone, taking care of household chores and studying (he's working on his degree to complement his military career)? I don't want to push, so I do give him his space. When I do call, he's happy to hear from me and honestly doesn't hesitate to let me know if he's busy. Same for me.

I totally understand that he wants to sort himself out and needs some alone time to do so, but I don't know what is normal and when I should be concerned.

You guys do not like to be pushed or pressured. How can I get my answers without making him feel that? You know, the divorce thing, how often she calls, etc.

She did call him when I was visiting and he left the room but when he came back he told me that it was her, hugged me, and told me that he felt no guilt when I asked.

Am I being too understanding?

Sheesh!

I want him to divorce her fast. I want him to want more with me - fast. I'm not very patient.

He's coming "home" in Feb., but not for V-day as he has to be at work on the following Monday. He also told me BTW, that he hates those hallmark holidays (HMMM???)

I don't have any brothers so I'd really appreciate your honest advice.

thanks tonnes!