Need Advice PLEASE!!!!
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Need Advice PLEASE!!!!
| Wed, 01-28-2004 - 5:52pm |
I have been in a relationship on and off for almost 2 and a half yrs, more on than off though. About 4 months ago, my bf and I were on a break. I called him a couple of days later and he told me never to call again, then he changed his number, which I found to be kind of harsh. Now here is the weird thing, 17 days later, since we had no contact, he started missing me. He calls my cell it's like 1am, and he says we really need to talk. He says that he thought he wanted me out of his life, but he realized that he does need me and want to be with me. Then he asked if he could see me the next day, and I said yes, because I'm a very forgiving person, and I still loved him. So he is suppose to be at my house around 3pm, and he doesn't get to my house until 4, and that's cuz he was at the mall getting something for me. I didn't say anything cuz I didn't want to start a fight. When he gets inside he hugs me really tight and tries to kiss me, I wouldn't let him do that. Then he says he loves me so much and will do anything to prove it. He's always known I wanted to get engaged, but I wasn't going to say then propose, but that's what he wanted me to say. Then he asks me to turn around and close my eyes, then he asks me to turn back around, I thought he got me a teddy bear or something, for being so mean to me, but nope, he was down on one knee, with this gorgeous diamond engagement ring, and he asked if I would marry him. At first I was in complete shock cuz I wasn't expecting, considering he changed his number 2 weeks earlier, all I kept saying was oh my god. Then he starts to cry and he says things will be different, this is why he is proposing, so show me he is serious, no more break ups. So we were happy for the first 2 months, he was calling on time, coming to see me, things were great. Then we got into a fight because he said he wasn't feeling well on one of his nights off and I said well let me come over and take care of you, and he said no and was being a bit mean. We got in a fight and he said I don't want this anymore. Also before this, he wasn't making as much efforts as he was when he first proposed, so I would bitch at him about that. Two days before we broke up we went to a Bridal show, and we even made a guest list, set a date for the wedding and everything. I've tried to call him to work things out, and I still have some stuff at his house that belongs to me. Everytime I ask to see him, he says he's busy. How can I get my fiance back, the one that promised he wouldn't do this to me anymore?

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So what to do, leave him alone for awhile. Don't call him. Don't ask about your stuff. Is there anyone else that can get it for you? Is it worth getting back? I mean if it's just material things, let them go.
Sorry you have to go through this.
Carrie
A relationship is about a commitment to one another...not just when things are good. It means accepting the bad also and working through it.
If your ex?-fiance breaks up with you every time the wind blows the wrong way, what makes you thin k that will change when you get married?The only thingthat will change is instead, he'll be asking for a divorce. I would reconsider why you are even wanting to continue with this man, especially down the aisle. You deserve someone who will take you seriously.
last but not least, if you do work things out, try to pick your battles. Im sure looking back, it wasnt worth the argument just because he wasnt feeling well and maybe snapped at you...
Good luck,
Take the high road. Move on. As painful a concept as that seems right now it's by far the better option for you. You will find a man who is whole, down to earth and will respect you for who you are inside on good days as well as bad ones. He's out there so don't waste your efforts on someone who isn't good enough for you!!
Jennifer
"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi
hey angel, i am sorry for your pain. but--- i hate to tell you this, this is a VERY VERY Unhealthy relationship. i understand that you believe you love him and he loves you - but let me tell you that MATURE ADULT people who are in love do NOT play these sick games and do NOT treat the person they love the way he is treating you.
I understand that you want to be with him, but i think you just don't "get it" - he is doing this because either he is a very sick individual (maybe he has depression, or anxiety, or some disorder) or he is doing this because he is a mean person. but either way - i have to ask you this: why would you want to MARRY someone like this? is this how you want to live your life? with someone who you can never trust? never count on him to be there thru the thick and thin? someone who wants things HIS way at ALL times? that is not what marriage is about. what will happen when you are pregnant and need help? what will happen when you have kids?
if you are asking how to be with the next guy and have him not take advantage of you? the best advice i can give you is get yourself to a therapist, you have some issues that you need to deal with. BTDT honey. i married one guy, got divorced, and ended up marrying husband number two who i THOUGHT was the OPPOSITE of number one, but guess what - he was very much the same. and you know what finally dawned on me? that *I* was the one with the issues and *I* was the one who needed help. yes, of course, both of them have major majore issues and they need help - but that is THEIR problem. i finally was able to admit to myself that i need to deal with MY problems, and i did. you are going to fall into the same pattern over and over until you deal with YOUR issues...
again, i am sorry for your pain!
My hunch is that you have a serious emotional dependency on this man. You've convinced yourself that you need him to define you; to make you feel complete and whole. I bet you lie awake late at night wishing he was there holding you and telling you just how special you are to him. That kind of attention is what you seem to be dependent upon and you seriously need to ween yourself away from that sort of need. Yes, it's wonderful when they comfort us and make us feel ontop of the world. Those intimate moments are really something wonderful. But what killjoy when he turns around and treats you with such disrespect!!! Let me tell you that there are men out there who will love you, embrace who you are as a person through good and bad and will not play these games with you. But before you are ready for such a man you really need to work on you.
I agree that therapy is the way to go. Get rid of that schmuck and put yourself into some counseling. Learn to love yourself and let go of all dependencies. No man can make your dreams come true. Only you can. No man is the solution to all problems in life but you can be your own solution. Do you get what I'm saying? Once you learn to love and respect yourself you will see that you deserve more than what this man is giving you and you'll refuse to settle for less than you truly deserve.
Jennifer
"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi
Of course he missed you! That's normal. You always miss someone who's been in your life when they leave. That doesn't mean they're right for you or that you'll be happy together. Nothing is going to change here -- people do not change into entirely different types of people -- that is very, very rare and this is not one of the times it will happen IMO. Please cut off all contact with him and say some prayers of thanks that you didn't make the mistake of marrying him. You only will ever end up with what you allow for yourself. If you allow yourself to be treated this way -- it's what you'll end up with, and no better. Did you seriously think that after someone changes their phone number to cut you out of his life, then buys a ring a couple days later and proposes, is going to turn into a happily ever after scenario? This isn't Hollywood and now you know that is not a likely thing to happen. PLEASE don't try to get him back. That would be such a mistake.
Start reading some Richard Carlson and Phil McGraw to find out why you'd even feel that way. It's not a healthy way to feel and an unhealthy person simply cannot find a healthy relationship. So forget about him and work on yourself to get healthy. Then happier days will follow, I guarantee. Good Luck.
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