Need Advice PLEASE!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Need Advice PLEASE!!!!
16
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 5:52pm
I have been in a relationship on and off for almost 2 and a half yrs, more on than off though. About 4 months ago, my bf and I were on a break. I called him a couple of days later and he told me never to call again, then he changed his number, which I found to be kind of harsh. Now here is the weird thing, 17 days later, since we had no contact, he started missing me. He calls my cell it's like 1am, and he says we really need to talk. He says that he thought he wanted me out of his life, but he realized that he does need me and want to be with me. Then he asked if he could see me the next day, and I said yes, because I'm a very forgiving person, and I still loved him. So he is suppose to be at my house around 3pm, and he doesn't get to my house until 4, and that's cuz he was at the mall getting something for me. I didn't say anything cuz I didn't want to start a fight. When he gets inside he hugs me really tight and tries to kiss me, I wouldn't let him do that. Then he says he loves me so much and will do anything to prove it. He's always known I wanted to get engaged, but I wasn't going to say then propose, but that's what he wanted me to say. Then he asks me to turn around and close my eyes, then he asks me to turn back around, I thought he got me a teddy bear or something, for being so mean to me, but nope, he was down on one knee, with this gorgeous diamond engagement ring, and he asked if I would marry him. At first I was in complete shock cuz I wasn't expecting, considering he changed his number 2 weeks earlier, all I kept saying was oh my god. Then he starts to cry and he says things will be different, this is why he is proposing, so show me he is serious, no more break ups. So we were happy for the first 2 months, he was calling on time, coming to see me, things were great. Then we got into a fight because he said he wasn't feeling well on one of his nights off and I said well let me come over and take care of you, and he said no and was being a bit mean. We got in a fight and he said I don't want this anymore. Also before this, he wasn't making as much efforts as he was when he first proposed, so I would bitch at him about that. Two days before we broke up we went to a Bridal show, and we even made a guest list, set a date for the wedding and everything. I've tried to call him to work things out, and I still have some stuff at his house that belongs to me. Everytime I ask to see him, he says he's busy. How can I get my fiance back, the one that promised he wouldn't do this to me anymore?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 6:23pm
Letting go and grieving for the end of a relationship takes time. However, you don't need this guy - he breaks up with you every time you two fight? 13 times....after the second time, I would have insisted on couple's counseling and not taken him back unless he agreed.

So what can you do to stay strong, heal and move on? Grieve. Cry, scream, rage about the unjustice you feel at what he's done, his behavior and do it on paper. Write him an UNSENT letter, then burn it. Heck, change your phone numbers like he did to you.

Work on your self-esteem, so you can make it through this. Reading material to consider:

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse

How to Succeed at Being Yourself: Finding the Confidence to Fulfill Your Destiny, by Joyce Meyer

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon

The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen

The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz

As far as going on a date - hmm, if you want to go. If you aren't ready to date, then don't go. If it's just as friends, then go.

Something else to think about, especially #7:

Seven Signs You Should Run From Your Partner

By Rinatta Paries

The relationship questions asked most frequently are all basically the same. First people will explain certain undesirable behaviors their partners are displaying. Then they'll ask whether they should tolerate these behaviors or whether they are making too big an issue of them.

There are, in fact, certain behaviors that should not be tolerated because they damage and will eventually destroy the relationship.

If you are in a brand-new relationship and your partner exhibits one or some of the behaviors below, you may want to consider walking away. If you stay, you may be getting much more trouble, headache and heartache then you bargained for.

If you are in a committed relationship and are invested in staying, or if you are planning to get engaged or married soon and some of these behaviors show up, try to work through them. Since you have already invested time, effort and your heart into the relationship, the relationship may be strong enough to withstand the necessary change. But hold off on making a deeper commitment to each other until the issues are resolved. Commitment and marriage tend to make issues worse rather than better.

Finally, if you are married, you probably want to do everything possible to save your marriage. If the two of you are dealing with any of the issues below, the most effective way of overcoming them is with outside expert help.

1. Excessive Flirtation

People in committed relationships, even in early committed relationships, should not be flirting with others in a way that makes their partner uncomfortable.

Here is the measuring stick: If your partner tells you about the flirting or you witness your partner flirting and neither of you flinches, the flirtation is OK. Otherwise it is not and you should be rightly bothered. This is, of course, assuming that you are not overly insecure and that you do not view any interaction your partner has with others as flirting.

2. Man/Woman Watching

Some discreet man/woman watching may occasionally be OK. But when it is blatant and intrusive, it becomes a relationship problem. You are not too sensitive if this bothers you. You should not have to learn to get over this and you should not have to learn to tolerate this behavior.

3. Infidelity

Unless you have a workable open-marriage agreement with your partner, you absolutely should not tolerate infidelity. There is simply no excuse for it. Alcohol, loneliness, anger, etc., are not good reasons to get involved with other people when you are in a relationship.

4. Another Relationship

OK, I know people get involved with those who are already in another relationship with the hope that they will "win" and the other relationship will end. But in reality this seldom happens. If you are involved in this kind of a relationship, perhaps it's time to give your partner an ultimatum. Set a drop-the-relationship-date by which your partner will willingly release the other relationship or you.

5. Romantic Contact From Other People

Why would someone in a relationship be getting phone calls, mail or e-mail of a romantic nature from other people? And why would the other person in the relationship tolerate this?

I think often it is because the partner somehow does not place responsibility for what's happening where it belongs -- squarely on the shoulders of the person who is receiving the communication.

If communication is ongoing, it is not accidental or victimization; it is invited and your partner is getting something out of it. To avoid a surge of feedback from those of you who may disagree with this point, let me say that there are now many easy ways to block unwanted communication, both on regular phones, cell phones and e-mail.

You are not too sensitive to feel threatened and to wonder if you are about to lose the relationship or be cheated on. Both may happen next.

6. Frequent Reactive or Angry Behaviors

Almost everyone has a frustrated moment, day or even a week. Life can get very hectic and stressful at times. But, if your partner is reactive or angry most of the time, for an extended period of time, this may just be the way he or she is.

If the two of you have repeatedly tried to problem-solve and yet nothing seems to cool the reactiveness and anger, you may want to ask yourself if you want this on ongoing basis.

7. 'It's All Your Fault'

Every relationship has issues or problems that need to be discussed. For some this happens sooner rather than later. But make no mistake -- this happens in every relationship. In fact, problems are an inherent part of being in a relationship.

However, if your partner categorically refuses to acknowledge and deal with his or her contribution to the problem and instead says in one way or another that it's all your fault, you have a serious problem on your hands. How will you move on and build a deeper relationship if your current problems cannot be resolved?

You are not pushy to ask your partner to deal with what needs to be dealt with. You have every right to ask for an active partner in a relationship.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 8:13pm
He tells you it's YOUR fault when HE breaks up with YOU????? And you accept this???? No way girl!! Don't accept that. And don't accept him back in your life. It may seem impossible to face the day, let alone the beginning of your new life, without him but it can be done. One day at a time. Someone needs to care for you. You are too busy caring for him and he is too busy caring for himself that you are being completely neglected. I don't know what more I can say to convince you that this is all wrong for you. I'm not wholly convinced you are ready for a change in this situation. Are you? Do you want to keep living like this?

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 8:31pm
Well I know I deserve someone that will care about me and not just think of their needs. Tonight I'm meeting up with this guy and we are going out for coffee, who knows maybe I'll like him. I going to take things slow though, but it's nice to meet new people, to try and forget about my ex. What if my ex comes back crying and apologizing for all he's done to me? What if I can't be stronger enough to tell him to leave me alone?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 8:47pm
Do you want to tell him to leave you alone? If you want this badly enough you will find the strength. I want for you to pick out three times he has completely hurt you and let you down. Then write it down either in a notebook or on some notecards. Describe what he did and the pain it caused. Then when he does come crawling back and you feel you need some strength to turn him away, pull out what you wrote and read it. You'll quickly be reminded of what you don't want in your life. Soon enough you will associate these negative experiences and feelings with your ex. When you think of him, remember what he has done. Don't focus on what good times there were because they weren't the real thing.

Good luck to you and try to enjoy yourself when you go out with this new guy.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 5:58am
Sorry, but this is going to be harsh...

You obviously have very low self-esteem if you are willing to allow yourself to be treated in this way, and worse - you are trying to convince yourself that it's your fault. This is co-dependency and you have it. You think this guy is going to change? Not a chance!

Listen to what people are telling you here - move on and then try and figure out why you have allowed yourself to be treated so badly for so long.

Peace - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 8:38am
Well, I still love my ex fiance, but I decided to go on a date last night to see if I could have fun with another guy and try not to think about my ex as much. It wasn't really a date because a couple of friends of mine were with me, but I had a good time. He said next time he'll take me out for dinner and it will be just the two of us. I know he has a lot of better qualities than my ex, he's well educationed, drives a nice car, (my ex didn't even have his license!), he's cute, funny, and I'm actually attracted to him. I know that if my ex finds out I am starting to date, then he'll want me, because he doesn't want me to be with anyone else. If he ever does come back, I won't be as nice as I once was, give him a taste of his own medicine. As for now I'm just going out and having a good time, that's all I can really do. I do have some self esteem issues, I'm not sure why though. I know I'm pretty, intelligent, sweet, I have a lot to offer, but for some reason I settle for the guys that don't treat me right.

Pages