need advice ..please

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
need advice ..please
7
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 7:44pm
HI ALL

I SHOULD START BY TELLING YOU ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BOYFRIEND. WE HAVE KNOW EACH OTHER FOR 10 YEARS.I DO LOVE HIM ,AND I KNOW HE LOVES ME ,SEX HAS ALWAYS BEEN GOOD,BUT THE TRUST WAS'T ALWAYS THERE,ON BOTH SIDES.HE HAS CHEATED ON ME ,AND I DID FORGIVE HIM FOR THAT.

HE LEFT ME IN 2002 OCTOBER.

MOVE BACK HOME WITH HIS MOM.

TOLD ME HE DIDN'T LIKE THE WAY I TREATED HIS SON,WHICH I KNOW WASN'T TRUE ,I NEVER DID ANYTHING TO HIS SON ,WHO WAS 12 AT THE TIME. ITS BEEN A WHILE SINCE I SEEN THEM ,BUT NEVER GOT OVER THE WAY HE LEFT.WE HAVE BEEN TALKING ON THE PHONE SINCE DEC.2002,HE WAS GOING TO COME SEE ME ,A LONG TIME AGO,BUT NEVER HAS THE MONEY ,OR SO HE SAYS..

HE TOLD ME HE STILL LOVES ME ,AND HASN'T HAD SEX SINCE HE LEFT.NEITHER HAVE I .

MY DAUGHTER WHO IS NOW 18 ,DOESN'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT HIM ,BECAUSE OF THE WAY HE LEFT,BUT DOES KNOW I LOVE HIM.WELL HERE IS THE QUESTION.

HE ASK ME TO MARRY HIM .I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.DO I GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANGE?

I AM MILES AND MILES AWAY .I TOLD HIM MY LEASE IS UP IN JUNE ,HE SAYS THAT WILL GIVE HIM 6 MONTH TO DO WHAT HE NEEDS TO DO AS FAR AS MONEY..

DO I TRUST THIS?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 9:26pm
I actually put a post up about my husband who I knew for 8 years before getting my proposal. So I don't know if I am one to advise. But here it goes. He asked you to marry him? Does he have any stability (he's broke all the time). Don't give up anything you have now. Your daughter may have some excellent intuition. You should truly listen to her. I would consider accepting the proposal based on #1 THE RING, #2 A JOB, #3 STABILITY. Keep in mind love generally will take presidence over all else. You must love him after all this time. But your a mother who has been burnt by this guy once. Think it through. If your not 100% sure you need to move on. With divorce rates as high as they are you don't want to go in to it with doubt. Maybe you should open your heart and mind to other opportunities (relationships). Don't hold out for one person. You've already vested a lot of time (10 years) in to this one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 10:09pm
thank you for anwering

job.. he works for his dad right now,and as far as he says gets paid well.

yes i do love him

i have been married before ,so the last thing i want to do is divorce again.

i just dont ,i guess i am scared he will run out on me again
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 10:21am
"the ring"???? the RING???? Are you serious? I think the ring should be the absolute LAST consideration in deciding whether to accept this guys proposal. The first thing you may want to consider is that you have not seen him in a year. Since October 2002? That's quite a while. What has changed in that year? What changes has he made? What changes have you made? Since he left due to the way you treat his son and you think you've done nothing wrong, then I'd say some more communication and work is needed. Unless he can clarify why he left, and the two of you can work through that situation, then you will end up divorced again. You may want to spend some more time together in person and see how it goes (for a while, not a month) before you accept this proposal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 11:30am
Yes. I agree with the last post. You certaintly need to spend more one on one time with this man. Communication is definietly needed. Take care and good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 11:42am
You don't trust that he will stay forever, he has had problems with the way you treat his son and your daughter doesn't like him. You haven't seen him in a year or so and he doesn't have the money for a plane ticket. Plus he has cheated on you.

Does this sound like the beginning of 'happily ever after'?

Is there a haLf way point here like seeing him for a while first before saying I do? Like deciding if you and he have changed for the better?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 4:23pm
I would hope you could read deeper than just A RING. But what it signifies (not a material basis). It truly would mean that A. he has the means of purchasing it, stability and a job. B. that he has some financial and vested interest. C.that he truly at least has the intention of following through. To simply say just a Ring is terribly shallow. I personally would never recommend considering a marriage proposal stricly based on Ring. Thanks for your input though!
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 6:49pm
I suppose a ring can signify those things, but I would think you'd KNOW those things and not have to analyze the situation based on the ring. If she is truly going to marry him, then a ring shouldn't even be a requirement. She should know him well enough and be secure enough in the relationship to know those other things regarding his financial situaion, his committment level, and his stability. She doesn't, so I say spending a significant amount of time with him before making a decision is sound advice.