Need advice for a unique situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Need advice for a unique situation
12
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 3:17pm
A brief history of my family. My husband and I met in 1991

when we were 19 years old. We fell in love and soon

became pregnant. We were married in 1992 and had a

son. Being so young, we could not handle marriage and

soon split up, however, we stayed friends and stayed

in touch. We were reunited in 1997, rekindled our

relationship and were remarried to one another later

that same year. Since then, we have been together. 2

months ago, we had our second son. My husband was

contacted 4 weeks ago by a woman with whom he had a 3

month relationship that immediatly preceeded our

reunion. She states that 6 years ago, she had a child

by him, but never told him about it. She has always

had the ability to contact him, because she kept many

of his personal belongings (including his social

security card) when their relationship ended. Now, my

life is in chaos, trying to handle a middle school

child and a newborn amidst the life shattering news

that this situation has been going on this whole time,

and now it is thrust upon us. To make matters worse,

this woman is very intent on having my husband be a

part of the child's life, at any cost. She has

threatened him verbally and promises to never leave

him alone until he does what she wants, leaving him no

opportunity to decide what he wants. She is very

unhappy that he has a wife and a good marriage (up

until this situation). This woman threatens the

future of my marriage and my future security because

of what she did, and then hid for so long. Any advice?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 3:21pm
Have him go see a lawyer, insist on a blood test and if it turns out to be his child, get a custody agreement in the works so that she can't manipulate him.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 3:28pm
You've got to stop perceiving her as the enemy.

Yes, what she did was wrong - to withhold the child from him. But, had she NOT done it - he easily might have married her and never reunited with you!

So...let's separate the facts from the feelings - because they're definitely not the same thing.

The fact is...he has a child that is 6 years old. She's likely going to get support and visitation court ordered....and if he's any sort of parent at all, he should WANT and WILL parent that child. Just as he's parenting the two that you've got - he's got a third out that is entitled to his love, devotation, attention, guidance, and support.

The child didn't ask to be in this situation....those two when having unprotected sex outside the realm of a committed relationship asked for this "situation" to exist potentially - and now it does.

So get smart and get reasonable. If he were to say "I don't want to parent this cild, I want this situation to go away so that I'll be unimpacted." What you're hearing is that as long as you and your children don't cause him stress, or his eye doesn't wander - he'll stick with and by you three....but should times get tough, or someone catches his eye - he's so outta there your head will swivel on your neck and break off!

So, he ought to petition the court in YOUR state or county - to give him court ordered support and visitation. So that he doesn't appear to be non-respondent, delinquent, or uninvolved when SHE goes to court and says for 6 years he's remained out of this cild's life and I want the back due support. Her refusal to tell him...is NOT going to eliminate his requirement ot pay 6 years of support.....and the only way there might be some leniency granted there...is if he shows up in court, or his own volition and requirement and instigation and says "until now I didn't know, but now that I do - I want to parent, I want this child to be in my life, to connect and bond with my wife and children, to receive the benefits of my love and guidance - I want support ordered and visitation outlined pronto, your honor, please!"

And he needs to live up to it - for the remainder of this child's life. And so do you. This is one more cild to raise, one more child to nurture, to love, to guide, to support, to educate, to assist, to enjoy their graduations and weddings and grandchildren of.

IF THAT is not what the mother has in mind, and she sees that you two are actively pursuing getting court mandated support/visitation and what she wants is to interfere and impact negatively without the child's long term best itnerests involved....she might make any number of claims that would render his parental status questionable and his rights to the child to be in question, as well.

In fact, what he should be petitioning for, should she not allow it without alot of hoopla, is a paternity test. So that he can confirm he is the father of this child and legally liable for all these rights and responsiblities. And if what you two do is unite, and combine your efforts in a uniform manner towards a common goal of raising this child as one of your own in terms of when he's there, and impacting and involved with your kids - you'll both be much better off.

But right now...your attitude that he's destroyed your world with his unzipped fly, and this child and its mother are your worst nightmare adn ever present enemy....you're going to lose out big time - your marriage being the smallest factor in the equation.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 3:43pm

A few things


1. She did not "do this" to you, they did this together, she shouldn't have held back on this for 6 years, but he was every bit a part of the "making of" of this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 3:51pm
What she said.
Avatar for rikimiki
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 4:02pm

what everybody else said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 5:04pm
He did it too. He had unprotected sex with someone or at least wasn't 100% careful and now he wants to walk away from it all. Nice. Would you want him to behave that way towards your children? She cannot impact your marriage - but he can - in my view he should co-parent the child - it's not the child's fault that his parents were careless and had sex knowing that they did not want to be formally committed - and you need to accept that this is now a part of your life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 5:09pm
Wow! I am not sure that I asked for advice in the proper area. I did not want to know about the rights and responsibilities that my husband now has. I was asking for advice or maybe some understanding for my situation. You have to understand that this situation is completely creating havoc in my world. I do not want to be told that it is this child that I should be concerned with and that my situation and feelings are not important. I am asking for some relationship advice, not what my husband will now have to take care of. I am also a little unhappy that the overwhelming sentiment is that my husband is at fault for any of this. Yes it is a possibility that he created this child, but he was never allowed to know that. After six years, it is shocking news to find out something so life changing. And yet I see no anger directed toward this woman for doing this to her child and to my family. I only see condemnation toward my husband who is still reeling from the news. This woman is responsible for her own situation because she chose to have, raise and hide this child on her own for six years. But again, I am not asking for information or advice in this area. Right now, I am concerned for my life, my family and my future security, which is why I wrote to the relationship board. I really did not expect a lecture on what my husband will now have to take care of.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 5:21pm
Of course it is a shock. I'm saying go see a lawyer so he takes control away from her, thereby deflating her plan, so to speak. Including harassment.

Sorry none of us addressed what you are feeling. I imagine you feel betrayed on some level, hurt, angry and it is hard to put it in its place and move on, because you feel what you feel. Yes, everything in your world is changing. Keep open, honest communication with your husband and hopefully you two together, as a united front will make it through this. I can't imagine going through what you are going through.

My best to you.

PS - you wrote - This woman threatens the future of my marriage and my future security because of what she did, and then hid for so long.

Why do you feel this way?


Edited 12/2/2003 5:22:00 PM ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 5:43pm
So why he is reeling? He knew the sex was in an uncommitted liason - she probably wasn't the only one. Quite likely if the sex was unprotected in full - she wasn't also the"onlly one". In that light, he might easily expect to "reel" for years to come as women come forth and show him the fruit of his loins which he didn't use protection on when seeking physical gratification WITH them.

So, why specifically he is reeling? That this is one more mouth to feed and clothe, that he'll be further impacted in terms of resonsibility and obligation for education, for support, for assistance and guidance? Is he afraid that you'll put this child and its responsibilities solely on him saying "that child and mine will not bond, will nto meet, will not know one another" - so that he's having to keep "separate households, accounts, adn requirements" - that'd be 3 full time jobs - with two full-time families - that would have most men "reeling".

But why specifically he is disturbed? Doees he want this to go away? Is he unsure how to proceed legally to ensure that has minimal negative impact on him, you, his children and the child itself...while extending a familial bond to this child? Is he just "totally reeling" as in he's not sure what he feels or wants....becuase believe me if that's the case he's emotionally driven and that is NOT going to be the modus operandi to use when dealing with this very real situation.

Why is he reeling? Yes, it's understandable if he's shocked....but reeling? Lots of men would be overjoyed to find they had a 6 year old son, that they were going to get to parent, to know, to love and support - they'd be ensuring their rights by petitioning courts and taking paternity tests. Lots of men would be appalled - denying the child's paternity until the last minute, refusing tests, and being no-shows in court.

So why specifically he is reeling?

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-03-2003 - 8:19am
If he had unprotected sex or didn't use sufficient birth control, why didn't he call her within the next few months to find out if she was ok, or pregnant?

Pages