You want to convince her that it's going to work, but even you don't seem very convinced.
Reading your post it almost seems that your feelings and actions toward her now are not you acting on behalf of yourself, more that you're trying to make up for the lies you told her in the past. Do you really think that marriage is the best solution for you right now? I don't doubt your feelings for her but she obviously wanted a ring and not the person who comes with it. Only a terrible, snotty brat gets upset over an heirloom diamond, that's very large, being put in a setting that she herself wanted. You're engaged to a brat. And YOU are enabling her.
So your lying wasn't great, but there's something admirable in being a person who has gotten himself out of debt. You have to start believing that you're a good person who doesn't deserve, no matter what he's done, to be criticized and belittled on a daily basis. That's not what love is like. I know it's tolerable to you now but what happens when the feeling of "I've deserved this" wears off and she's still complaining about your flaws?
You're allowing her to walk all over you, and while she may be taking advantage of it now there will come a time when she grows bored of this doormat and will want a new one. Girls like this don't stay married very long. I am not a mind-reader nor an oracle but I know people like her.
You have way too much looming over you for marriage to be a smart option here. If you're both looking to work at changing yourselves for the sake of your marriage, start pre-marital counseling together. If you can't do that and find some answers from it then I'd say your marriage will be very short-lived.
northwestwanderer is right. Bi-polar disorder is chemical and not triggered by a difficult childhood, though it certainly is aggravated by it. It's also a disorder that can only be diagnosed by an actual psychologist and not people over the internet. We can tell you if she shows signs of being bi-polar, and perhaps she does, but the diagnosis is very serious and you can't be "sort of" bi-polar. It's one way or the other, how mild or extreme it is depends on the person's reactions.
If she really does have a mental illness or depression, premarital counseling will not help you. These are serious illnesses for which she individually must be receiving the right care and most likely medication.
I really wish I could find it, but there was a post in one of these boards a few weeks ago by a man who was married to a woman who was bi-polar. It was pretty heartbreaking to read; he would do anything for her but it was obviously taking a huge toll on him personally to carry her burdens for her. She called all the shots in the marriage and they depended entirely on whatever mood she was in at the moment. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
I also want to point out that it's very possible to have a difficult childhood or live through traumatic experiences and still be a HEALTHY, FUNCTIONING person - capable of HEALTHY relationships. This is not your girl. From what I understand from your post, she sounds like she needs years of therapy and working through her own individual baggage before she's remotely capable of a healthy relationship, let alone marriage. I truly hope you two can work this out but the problems you're having are way bigger than both of you. Can you answer this question: are you happy enough with her, at this moment, without wanting her to change and even if she never improves, to say without a doubt that you want to spend the rest of your life with her?
You have it bad, thats alot of love, but i do pick up on some guilt...IMO I agree you guys should get in counseling ASAP, if this has any chance. As far as paying for counseling ...if you both work and have medical insurance you should be able to get it covered that way, just check your benefits package... under mental health, and ask for individual and couples counseling provider, that way , you can be seen one on one and bring the other in for counseling
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You want to convince her that it's going to work, but even you don't seem very convinced.
Reading your post it almost seems that your feelings and actions toward her now are not you acting on behalf of yourself, more that you're trying to make up for the lies you told her in the past. Do you really think that marriage is the best solution for you right now? I don't doubt your feelings for her but she obviously wanted a ring and not the person who comes with it. Only a terrible, snotty brat gets upset over an heirloom diamond, that's very large, being put in a setting that she herself wanted. You're engaged to a brat. And YOU are enabling her.
So your lying wasn't great, but there's something admirable in being a person who has gotten himself out of debt. You have to start believing that you're a good person who doesn't deserve, no matter what he's done, to be criticized and belittled on a daily basis. That's not what love is like. I know it's tolerable to you now but what happens when the feeling of "I've deserved this" wears off and she's still complaining about your flaws?
You're allowing her to walk all over you, and while she may be taking advantage of it now there will come a time when she grows bored of this doormat and will want a new one. Girls like this don't stay married very long. I am not a mind-reader nor an oracle but I know people like her.
You have way too much looming over you for marriage to be a smart option here. If you're both looking to work at changing yourselves for the sake of your marriage, start pre-marital counseling together. If you can't do that and find some answers from it then I'd say your marriage will be very short-lived.
Thank you for replying.
Jay,
I couldn't help being a bit curious when I started reading your post on the message board.
Gosh...this is a tough one.
Welcome to the board precisejay,
You've already gotten really good advice, but I wanted to add a few things especially after reading your second post.
Things you can do:
1) Don't lie
2) Premarital Cousneling
3) Financial planning/counseling for yourself
4) Assertiveness training class (for you - more on that later)
5) The book Sheri mentioned
Your gf takes care of her mother.
Hi, thank you all for responding.
If she's really bi-polar, that isn't "brought on" by anything except her brain chemistry--it's physiological.
northwestwanderer is right. Bi-polar disorder is chemical and not triggered by a difficult childhood, though it certainly is aggravated by it. It's also a disorder that can only be diagnosed by an actual psychologist and not people over the internet. We can tell you if she shows signs of being bi-polar, and perhaps she does, but the diagnosis is very serious and you can't be "sort of" bi-polar. It's one way or the other, how mild or extreme it is depends on the person's reactions.
If she really does have a mental illness or depression, premarital counseling will not help you. These are serious illnesses for which she individually must be receiving the right care and most likely medication.
I really wish I could find it, but there was a post in one of these boards a few weeks ago by a man who was married to a woman who was bi-polar. It was pretty heartbreaking to read; he would do anything for her but it was obviously taking a huge toll on him personally to carry her burdens for her. She called all the shots in the marriage and they depended entirely on whatever mood she was in at the moment. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
I also want to point out that it's very possible to have a difficult childhood or live through traumatic experiences and still be a HEALTHY, FUNCTIONING person - capable of HEALTHY relationships. This is not your girl. From what I understand from your post, she sounds like she needs years of therapy and working through her own individual baggage before she's remotely capable of a healthy relationship, let alone marriage. I truly hope you two can work this out but the problems you're having are way bigger than both of you. Can you answer this question: are you happy enough with her, at this moment, without wanting her to change and even if she never improves, to say without a doubt that you want to spend the rest of your life with her?
Yes.
Wow!
You have it bad, thats alot of love, but i do pick up on some guilt...IMO I agree you guys should get in counseling ASAP, if this has any chance. As far as paying for counseling ...if you both work and have medical insurance you should be able to get it covered that way, just check your benefits package... under mental health, and ask for individual and couples counseling provider, that way , you can be seen one on one and bring the other in for counseling
Pages