Need Advise!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Need Advise!
5
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 3:02pm

Hello! I could really use some advise. My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have two sons under age 8. A couple of weeks ago we had an argument that lasted a few days and when I asked if we could discuss the problem my husband totally blind sided me and said he thought we should split up. I could not stop crying and asked why he felt this way. He could not really say other then things were not the same between us as they used to be and that if we tried to act differently now it would all be pretend. After several discussions and lots of crying we have decided to temporarily seperate. He is staying at a hotel until Thursday. During our discussions I asked if there was someone else and he said no. Then on the day we decided to seperate he told me he was having an emotional affair with someone and that she was only a friend and someone to talk to. Apparently she is also married with teenage boys. He says she is not interested in him for more then a friendship, but it really hurts my feelings that he feels he can talk with someone else but never share his feelings with me.

I guess what I need advise about is do you think he is cheating or will he cheat with this woman because that would definately help me make my decision and do you think this temporary seperation will do any good? I told him that if we were going to seperate he needed to stop coming by the house so he could see what it is really like but I miss him and so do his boys. We have pretty much talked on the phone or seen each other in person since he left last Thursday.

Thanks in advance for the feedback!




Edited 5/14/2007 3:10 pm ET by myjunebug2004
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 6:13pm

Hi myjunebug and welcome to the board,


Will he cheat? Well, he's already cheating on you emotionally. She makes him feel good. He loves talking to her, sharing with her, building an emotional, intimate relationship with her and chances are even if she says she doesn't want more, if they continue the way they have, she will develop feelings for him as well. Sounds like the 'fight' was just an excuse for him to end the marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2006
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 8:27pm
I find the whole term "emotional affair" a little unusual although I have heard it before. Where is the line between "affair" and friendship if nothing physical is going on?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 9:09pm

He came home today because he asked if he could take my 8 year old to baseball practice and said he wanted to take our 2 year old also so I thought that would be fine since they have not seen him since Saturday. I asked him if he wanted to talk and he responded the same way he has been for the past few weeks. He keeps saying that it is hard because part of him likes being away and part of him does not. I asked him if the boys were the part that made it hard for him and he basically said yes. So, I told him we needed to end it now and stop carrying this on as if we are going to work things out since I am the only one willing to work on it. All he seems to care about are the finances and making sure we don't make it difficult on either one of us. I make more money then he does and know I can live on my own without him so of course that is the farthest thing from my mind.

I spoke to his sister and she called the hotel where he has been staying and was told he checked out today. I find this interesting because he did not mention this to me and now I wonder where he is planning on staying. My sister in law (his sister) works for the police and she is so upset with him over all this she had the "friend" checked out and now knows where she lives. She said she would drive by tonight to see if my husband's car is there.

I can't believe any of this is happening. I seriously think he has emotional issues that are the cause of this, but then again I don't know. I gave him my wedding ring and told him he could sell it and live off that money but he left it here. Right now he has both of my boys so my sister-in-law is going to go to my son's practice to make sure they are there. I really don't think he would do anything stupid but the way he is acting I just don't know.

I am so mad! I have packed as many of his clothes as I could fit into two suitcases and put them in the garage. I told him he is not staying here anymore pretending like he wants to work on things when he has done nothing to work on it.

I really want to contact this so called friend or her husband to see if they know what is going on or what he is doing but know that would not be a good idea. I just don't know what to do anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 9:19pm

An emotional affair is usually carried on in secret - the spouse has no idea their partner is turning to someone of the opposite sex for comfort and friendship. I think there is also a certain fantasy element to it - she gets him, without the complications of actually being involved with each other. He admits to having an emotional affair with her and says she's not interested in more than friendship which leads me to believe he is.

If he's not committed to working on the marriage and thinks it's all about "pretend," on top of having an emotional affair with another woman, it sounds to me like he's already checked out on you. If he decides after this separation he wants to try, the only way you can get passed the betrayal and whatever else led up to it is with professional help.

He turned to another woman when he should have been working things out with you of course you have hurt feelings - he's emotionally invested in someone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 10:51pm

Platonic friendship can shift quickly into romantic love when the two people involved are sharing emotional intimacy.