Need Advise

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Need Advise
3
Sat, 07-03-2004 - 1:20am
I am 38 and my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years is 25. He wants to have a family one day, but after my second child, I had my tubes tied and therefore cannot have anymore children. I suppose the operation can be reversed, but as I said, I am 38 years old so I would have to pregnant right away. My boyfriend is not ready for a baby right now so basically we are in a relationship that is headed nowhere fast. He says he loves me, but I am not sure he does or if he even knows what love is for that matter. He broke up with me once over this because he said he was being selfish but didn't want to waste anymore of my time. The breakup lasted for about two days.

We get along perfectly -- he is my best friend. I don't want to let him go, but I'm scared I'm going to end up heart broken.

What advise can you give me???

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
In reply to: wink2004
Sat, 07-03-2004 - 3:23am
Your bf knows that you have had your tubes tied. Does he want you to have the surgery to reverse? Are you willing to go through with the surgery? Tied is often reversable and quite simple with a small incision. When the tubes have been cut and tied - that would not be reversable. Surgical egg transfer would prob be required. Would you want to have more children if you could? Would he be willing to learn to accept not having children with you? It's pretty natural for a guy to want his own offspring just like a woman does.

Both of you have to decide for yourselves what you can live with and what you can't. Then discuss whether you can go on in your relationship as it is, respecting each other's decision. Adoption is another option as long as the child/ren wouldn't be rejected by either of you and accepted completely as your own. It takes a certain amount of thought and reflection before you go through with this one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: wink2004
Sun, 07-04-2004 - 4:10am

i think that a decision about having a child (or having more children) is a decision that is personally based and not situation based. i.e., it is a decision that one makes at a certain point in their life, and not "well i don't want more kids, but if i meet someone who does then i will go along with it". having and raising children is difficult enuf - at the very least a child should be WANTED not just "tolerated" or "accepted".


if you made the decision to have your tubes tied - then i am assuming (hopefully) that you already MADE your decision about more kids. whether or not the operatin can be reversed is not the issue ... the issue is that you should NOT be getting into relationships with people who do plan on having kids "sometime in the future" because YOU are NOT planning more kids.


in addition, you are not even sure if he loves you? and IF he wants kids, it wouldn't be for a few more years anyway, when you are 40ish? your heart might break if you break up - but IMHO it would be irresponsible and unfair of you to stay in this relationship and have a child that you don't really want, just for the sake of "staying" with this guy.... and if you don't want to have your heart broken again - then choose your dates more carefully....


hugs....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: wink2004
Sun, 07-04-2004 - 9:42am
You are not sure he knows what love is yet you are not sure what to do? It sounds like you knew what to do when you had your tubes tied. You didn't want anymore kids. Don't reverse that for a guy who may not love you and with whom you have already had a break up. Unfortunately that is one of the problems with such an age difference. How is he with your kids now?