need advise fast, wants to talk tomorrow

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
need advise fast, wants to talk tomorrow
9
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 6:57pm
My ex left me about 8 months ago and soon after was with another women. I have moved on to the point I'm no longer am sad and I have started dating again. During the whole break up we continue to talk. We work at the same place so I see him everyday. I still care for him but my head saids no way. He wants me to go out for dinner with him tomorrow so we can talk. He is currently living with the other women he said he is not in a commited relationship. She is there because she got kicked out of her apartment. The only reason I'm thinking about meeting him for dinner is to get things off my chest. I let him know all the pain he has caused me. he wants to discuss the rumors going around the shop. I don't know what to do. I know I can never take him back again but I still need some kind of closure. I have worked very hard on myself and I don't want to let this set me back. Please any thoughts would be great.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 8:58pm
tell him how you feel... but let him know that you have worked very hard to get over him so there is no chance under the sun that you will take him back. stand your ground. And hey, you two are friends so dinner should be strictly friends. If he by any chance wants to be more, tell him that out of respect of the other woman "official girlfreind" or not that you will not give him the satisfaction.


-Janelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 9:02pm
If you feel you must talk to him, do yourself a few favors first:

1) Write down a few talking points of what you want to say. Take a few days to edit this down to the bare minimum. Don't focus on the pain you have had - just focus on what to do now - why you don't want to be with him any more, how you want him to treat you now, and how you will handle work situations, etc. Have a friend review this - or post them here and we can comment ;-)

2) I would not go to dinner - I would go to something quicker and more casual - like breakfast, coffee or lunch.

I would try to avoid getting into the nitty gritties of the relationship if you can - it is water under the bridge and doesn't need to be dredged up to get you upset. Hopefully this meeting will allow you to see how much you have grown and moved on and how seeing him in person really affirms your position on not going back.

I had a similar situation a few months ago. An old boyfriend who really hurt me at one point was trying to get back with me. I was very much over him and know there is no way I would go back with him. At first I thought coffee would be a good idea just for kicks. But then I got busy and decided he was not worth my time - what is the point? So I just said no - I don't have time right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 9:22pm
Thanks for your quick response. He wants to discuss what his ex wife told him that i said to her. She let me down by sharing some information that she shouldn't have. But I don't think the dinner would do anything for anyone but get me upset. I have moved on the best I could. I still have feelings for him but have been avoiding it for the fact if he could do this to me now what will stop him from doing it again. one thing I have learned I have to listen to my head and not my heart. It's a struggle because I see him everyday. But I can't see anyway we could ever work through it. He flirts with me and that shows me he can't be faithful to anyone. It's just hard to move on completely. To let what we once had go. I don't know. I've come along way but yet sometimes i get down about it. Thanks again guys you have been a great help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 9:27pm
It sounds like you need more time to get over him. I would not go to the dinner. Maybe you can talk on the phone at an agreed time?

It is good that you are listening to your head.

You must have a hard time trying to get over him and having to see him everyday. I hope you can find more activities and friends to help you get your mind off this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 10:11pm
Thanks West,

You are probally right. But man how long does it take to get over someone or should I say what does it take. Makes me wonder. I know about some of the things we talk about at work, i get upset. This should never of happen. I think I gave him enough chances to come back and make things right. Probally now that she is living with him things aren't as good. LOL. oh well he made his bed. I just wish it wasn't staring at me everyday. Thanks for letting me vent.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 10:22pm
There is no way to predict how much time it will take. From my own experience, I have done best when very busy and AWAY from the perpetrator.

I don't suppose it would be easy for you to change jobs?

I think you will have to set boundaries with him since you see him on a daily basis. Be civil and work-oriented and that is it - only talk about work - don't get caught up in any personal issues, period. Keep your private life private. Stick to that and he will not carry on like this.

Practice good self care - indulge yourself and find fun things to do with friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 10:35pm
THanks West,

I do agree with you. I do not tell him anything about my private life. I do not approach him at any time. He is the one that seeks me out. I am nice to him but I don't go out of my way to talk to him. I've tried to avoid him as much as possible. I am not hurting as much as before. There is more sunshine now. That's one of the reason I posted this because I never want to hurt like i did. This man told me he knows in his heart that i am the one but shows me by being with this other women. He said i am the one that didn't want to see him anymore when in fact i didn't want to share. I couldn't go from a relationship of 3 years to dating. Relationship is suppose to grow not go backwards. Maybe he got scared, I don't know. But this was his decision and no one force him to do this. Thanks again you have helped me alot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 5:55am
I am happy to have helped.

You are doing everything right. And I agree with you that you cannot go from a relationship of 3 years to dating just so he can see someone else. That is poopoo - I am glad you protected yourself and got out. And it is insane that he would try to turn this around and blame it on you. You deserve so much better.

I would not give him the time of day much less dinner. No discussions. No sweat. Pretty soon he will tire of talking to someone who does not respond. You just have to hold your ground.

I am reading this great book right now called Surrendered Single. I think it will help you, too, if you have time to read it. It explains how to attract Mr. Right and has a lot of good tips for a new beginning for you!! I got it used from amazon.com.

Keep in touch! And good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 9:04am
Hi. If you feel comfortable going out to dinner with him then do it so that you can tell him how you feel and and to let him know that you have moved on. He'll get the message. :) I don't care what he says about this woman living with him. She's there. The temptation is there. You do what is best for you and stick to your guns.

Good luck to you.

J