need advise- please help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
need advise- please help!!
3
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 11:15am
hello everyone! i need some help! i am 32 weeks pregnant, and on bedrest due to pre-term labor. i am married- 8 months tomarrow! i am just having a difficult time because i am very independant, and do everything for myself, and right now i am staying at my moms- bc i can not do anything until this baby is born, and my husband, is no help.

that is really my problem i need help with. my husband is a good guy. we were raised completely different, his family believes in spending money- even when they do not have it. they don't try to better themselves at all. i do not personally understand that. I was raised with the understanding that if yuo can not pay cash, then you really do not need it. you get what you need, and then when the bills are paid you get what you want. i was also raised to always try to better yourself. So right there, we have disagreements.

My husband is a impulse byer, and doesn't think before he takes all our money and blows it, and then grips bc he has no money until the next pay day, which is usually about a week away.

Now we are fighting because i am staying here at my mothers house, bc she knows that if i were at home, i would be up fixing his dinner, and cleaning, and doing things for him, when i am not in the condition to. My husband says he wants to help with a softball team that my dad coaches, so my dad said he could be a helper, bc he has never played before- and you can't coach something that you have never been played, and my husband acted like his feelings were hurt. But when it comes down to the practices, he goes down there and stands around, and does not try to help.

He does the same thing at home to. i feel like i should try to help at least a little, by folding clothes, or buying some groceries, or things like that to help out since i am staying with my mom, and she is helping to take care of me, that is the least i could do. Last night i asked my husband to help fold a few clothes with me- keep in mind he is staying here too- and he said they are not my clothes so i am not folding them. Yet he had the nerve to ask my mother to come clean my house bc i can't to get ready for the baby.

My mother is annoyed, and so am i. the more i try to talk, the less he hears. I am at my end. I just want him to grow up and take some responsibility, and can't get him to understand why.

can anyone help me? I am sorry it is so long, i just needed to vent!!!

PLEASE HELP!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 1:08pm
You really do have a problem. It sounds like you and your husband have completely different value systems when it comes to finances, daily living, etc. I especially found it quite forward of him to ask your mother to clean your house, since you can't right now. What's wrong with him?

I wish I had sound advice. Have you considered financial counseling? Maybe if he could see what could be gained from saving, he would get on board with you. It may be that he's too stubborn, or it may be a familial thing where he's never really thought about it, or a lot of little other things people like to call etiquette.

It sounds like you have some work to do to try to reach a compromise that you can live with. Did it seem this bad before you were bed bound? Incidentally, sorry for that! That can't be fun. If your husband is anything like my kids, things seem to be going along swimmingly until I get sick or something, then I realize how little they actually do. Does your husband pick-up after himself? I suppose it's going to be hard to completely re-educate him, but maybe if you could get someone who has some influence with him to try to get him to see the light, it would help. I imagine it's super frustrating when you're an invalid of sorts at the moment.

I guess my best advice would be to try to hang in there until this pregnancy is over. Then, as things settle down (babies always change things around anyway), gradually try to get him to make slow, easy changes. He probably sees nothing wrong with the way he and his family have always done things. If someone confronts him directly, he's liable to get very defensive because this isn't something he just picked-up along the way, it's very deeply ingrained. It probably feels like it IS him, natural and right.

It sounds like you two get along generally and that maybe a situation like this just exacerbates existing problems that get essentially ignored the rest of the time. It probably doesn't seem like a blessing right now, but sometimes trials are the surest way to promote change. Also, you're probably too weak to get really furious right now, so it gives you time to plan your "attack" on how to get him to improve.

It's probably best to just take this as easily as you can right now, you don't need more stress. Try to just plan for the future a little bit in a way that works for both of you. Best wishes with the new baby! How exciting!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 4:47pm
First take responsibility that you knew this about him before you married him and chose to have a child with him.


Now what?

See a financial counselor and a marriage counselor as soon as possible. Do it for your child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 7:22pm
He sounds like a lazy ignoramous. There is nothing you can do if he won't do it.

I feel for you, for you have been mismatched as a couple.

He has his nerve asking your mother to clean.

Sorry I can't help you. I hope everything turns out well for your baby and you.