Need APPRECIATION!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Need APPRECIATION!
5
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 5:03pm
I'm burning the candle at both ends these days, girls! My hubby and I have been married only a little over a month (together 5 years). But since the wedding, I secretly vowed to myself to be a better wife - I want to be better at cleaning, household chores, cooking... all of which I was pretty shoddy at prior to the wedding. Let me tell you, I'm rocking now! There are almost never dishes in the sink, the laundry is always kept up, etc. Before any of the feminists get on my case, I WANTED TO DO THIS. I have this picket-fence-housewife picture in my mind that I want to fulfil. Here's where it gets tricky... I just want a little appreciation! Of course, this new-found Betty-Crocker-side of me was all of my own doing but I don't even get a thank you! I don't want to beg for appreciation but I need it! I find myself saying under my breath as I lug that last load of laundry up the stairs, "Well, I guess I picked this life". I did pick this life, I do love my husband and want to continue to strive to be the wife he wants, needs and deserves. But for my own sanity and self-esteem, I need a pat on the back once in a while. What can I do to make him appreciate what I do? I work all day, 9-5, and come home to a mess of a house that I'm cleaning until bedtime rolls around. What's wrong with this picture!?!?!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: shayec
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 5:58pm
shayec...

It's just a 'man's perspective'----but your husband has viewed your 'household habits' one way for 5 years! Even though you have made a positive change, expecting your husband to notice "the miracle" after one month probably won't happen!

What's wrong with asking your husband if likes you better this way....or if he'd prefer that you return to your 'cluttered, non-descriptive, cleaning style?' If he says he likes you better this way, what's wrong with asking him to lug a laundry basket or wash an occasional dish for you?

And if he hits you with the line: "That's a woman's job"----you can always leave the frosting off the next Betty Crocker cake you prep for him! Then again...you can always 'deck him!'

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: shayec
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 6:13pm
What's wrong with this picture is "expectation".

If he married you when you were less Betty-Crockerish" - if you want t o be Betty Crocker - do it because YOU expect it of you and the reward is in "living up to your expectations".

If you thought prior to this evolution "I"m not getting enough appreciation, I know what'll work" - so you became Betty Crocker hoping to get that approvla and attention and appreciation - you made a grevious error in judgement.

And here's the BEST way I know to example it. All 4 (count 'em 4) husbands (divorced them all by 35!) were slobs. It went from disorganized and untidy - to outright filth.

And every time I was "so sure" that what would get me admiration and appreciation was "cleaning things up"....surely everyobdy wants it nicer than this, it's just they haven't got time, energy, yada yada to do it.

Wrong....what people do "for themselves" it is what they prioritize and value and it is to that level that they can "'appreciate what you do" - anything that exceeds their own efforts - that's great - but it's not "appreciated"...because the person has no clue how much effort, work, sacrifice, and change this has involved for you - they've never done it for them - they haven't got a clue what is involved.

So, if you want thi standard becuase you want it for yourself - do it. And if you want to do this becuase you want appreciation - quit doing this and find smoething that he prioritizes and values.......and "give to him in that venue" and you'll get your appreciation need met.

Don't miscontrue this - I don't mean "give him what he wants and hasn't got and won't work for". I mean, if there is a particular thing that he does for himself, that he prioritizes and appreciates - such as cleaning out he car once a week to where it is sparkling bright - if YOU do that to his level of expertise - he'll fully appreciate the effort - he knows how much effort is involved.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
In reply to: shayec
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 6:16pm
I know you're right... I can't expect him to notice or even accept the "miracle" (I like that) after only a month. I'm just so tired. I'm so tired after work, dealing with everything there, and then to come home to everything the way that it is - dishes piling high, clothes on the floor - am I pulling a poor-me routine? Maybe. But when this all goes unappreciated, I just think WHY BOTHER?

Pianoguy - thanks for replying - I think we all need a man's perspective.... more often than not, trust me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
In reply to: shayec
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 6:30pm
Erin-

That does make a lot of sense - Thank you. I guess I just thought he would be more appreciative but you're right - he can't appreciate when he doesn't know what is involved in the process.

He's just not lucky enough to get me to clean his car out for him.

Thanks tons! I never looked at it that way!!

Shaye

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: shayec
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 6:32pm
shayec,

One quick response:

YOU BOTHER BECAUSE "YOU LOVE HIM!"

Pianoguy (who often misses those 'wonderful feminine touches' that make a house a HOME)!