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| Thu, 07-26-2007 - 10:28am |
A few years ago, My boyfriend and i were coming across a big committment decision-- moving with him. I asked him for a little space so I could think about this and evaluate our relationship, and he took this as me trying to break up with him. It took us a long time to heal from this and I realized that I love him more than ever.
Two years down the road, he still brings it up every now and then. He said he won't forgive me until I can do something symbolic and productive that will undo the power differential I created. However, how do you undo a concept of power? I can understand if I Broke something, then you can fix it or replace it. But what does he want me to do?! Does anyone have ANY ideas? I'm pulling my hair out here trying to think of something meaningful.

Welcome to the board gal_susie_q,
I am not sure what your bf expects you to do to resolve this power struggle that he sees in your relationship. I am not sure why he is so hang up on a power issue. I would ask him to clarify what he wants you do to make this better. You might also see if he will go to couples counseling with you.
Did you ever move in together?
glitter-graphics.com
Ya know, I do TONS for him and he openly admits that yes, he appreciates all I do. He thinks that "re-evaluating" is breaking up. Kinda like that old Ross and Rachel "we were on a break" debate. He says he doesn't think I understand how bad that hurt him. Me breaking up with him, sitting him on a backburner, then deciding I'd take him back, etc.
Overall, our relationship is great and very healthy. We are great communicators, and we both give and take well. At the cost of sounding like I'm making excuses for him, please remember that everyone has their hangups. I am confident he loves our relationship and is very happy, and acts so, until about every 3 months he'll bring this back up. "I tried to break up with him." He was hurt a lot before I came along so I try to be understanding with him and insecurities like this.
I just don't know what to do to fix this. I mean, when something is broken you can fix it. But this idea of power? What could I do?
We lived together at the time of incident and still live together. We're planning on getting married next summer. As you can see, everything else in our relationship is wonderful except for this one thing.
Welcome to the board gal_susie_q,
::He said he won't forgive me until I can do something symbolic and productive that will undo the power differential I created.
You will never be able to do enough or
I had a similar thing with my DH. I was the one who lost my "faith" in our perfect r/ship or ie, "got hurt". I'd bring it up and he'd get angry saying, "Great! Whatever happens, this is forever going to be a black mark on our r/ship and I'm the bad guy who did it. I'm guilty so what can I do to fix it now? The past is the past." The problem was, I didn't feel he had to right to get angry & fustrated over it. That didn't seem like the right reaction. Eventually he stopped doing that and started saying this: I'm sorry I hurt you. I wish I could take it back. But I've grown and learned from it. Now I know what it takes to make this r/ship work and I've been committed to it. Guess what? I started responding by saying, "I know your committed, I feel and see it everyday." Thats when the healing began. It took well over a year before I completely let it drop. The reason I don't bring it up anymore is that I'm positive it will never happen again. I feel secure in that now.
So try admitting that you hurt his feelings and that your hesitation has created some insecurity for him. Tell him you are living with him & happy to live with him. That you don't see any reason to take any more breaks. Stay it lovingly and just repeat it every time he brings it up. Reassure him.
Good luck!
Dee
I totally agree with eggbertshootsfire.
I think his actions of holding this over your head is giving HIM the power in the relationship. Make no mistake, no matter what you do, he won't get over it until HE decides to - whenever that may be. Possibly never.
I'd be taking a harder line than constant reassurance. I think I'd start by using some of the suggested phrases such as:
"I did the wrong thing. I'm sorry I hurt you. But I've learned from it and won't do it again." But I would finish by telling him that "I'm doing everything I can to fix it, and if you can't/won't let it go, then YOU have to rethink being in this relationship. After TWO YEARS this is no longer about me and what I've done. The ball is in your court."