Need communication help...
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Need communication help...
| Wed, 03-24-2004 - 1:13am |
I have been married for over two years now, and I have difficulty communicating my needs, wants, and desires, especially to my husband. I really hate serious confrontation, and would rather take blame, apologize, do things myself or suffer in silence than to put out or offend friends, family or co-workers. My biggest issue is that I have allowed my husband "get away with murder", because I love and respect him (and I don't want to be a nag). Lately, I am having trouble getting him to do things for me, simply because we cannot effectively communicate. I usually let things go because at the time, they don't seem big enough to talk about. After a while, it builds up until I can't take it anymore and I have to say something, and everything is emotionally charged. I don't feel he listens to me, he huffs and rolls his eyes, and he just shuts down and tunes me out. He's there physically, but this makes me feel that he really doesn't want to hear what I have to say, and "here we go with drama again", acting really immature. This aggravates me more because I really want him to take me seriously. Sometimes it makes me so angry that I scream, knowing full well that it won't help. I feel that he expects me to be nurturing and caring and supportive of him, even when I am sick, (him feeling bad is ALWAYS worse, like a baby!) so that his fragile ego won't break, but that I will just be able to survive on sex and financial support alone. He has often expressed being uncomfortable expressing his feelings, and I have tried to be there for him, but when I really need just a little bit back, I feel as if he treats me as somebody in the street who is beneath him. I feel like all of the emotional burden is on me. Even though it is not always easy for me either, I have expressed my feelings to him, but I usually start off feeling guilty for having let things go so long, and angry that he is being so unresponsive to me. My mother always felt she had to TELL others what to do and I had to cut her off because I got tired of her taking advantage of my generosity. I don't want it to be that way with my husband, but I don't want to be taken advantage of either. I feel like I am always cleaning up after us both, even though we both live in the house and work outside of the home. I am very depressed and distressed about this, and I am starting to feel lonely in my own home. I want to get this off my chest and I realize that I need some serious (3rd party) help if I(we) are going to make this work. Can anyone help me???

a) you probably are not that clear on what they actually are
b) you want everybody to like/love you and are worried that if you express your needs they won't.
b) you want to be accepted at all costs - even if it means cheating yourself.
I hope Erin (Doubleblade) answers this one - she has fantastic insight into this particular problem. I'd suggest you do some reading - I hear 'Codependent No More' is a good one, though haven't read it myself.
Just a theory - see if it fits - it could explain a lot - and the fact that you have a very controlling mother is a strong indicator that my theory may hold some truth.
Counseling would probably be good, though I would warn you that your husband probably likes it that you don't communicate your needs because it means he doesn't have to meet them - and once you do start communicating, be prepared for some troubled waters - he's going to be asked to step up to the plate and he might be perfectly happy with things the way they are now, in terms of him getting all of his needs met and not being asked much in return.
Difficult situation. I do wish you well.
Coolas
I've always been a nice person, polite, kind, respectful. That's the way I am and how I was raised to be by my devout Christian mom. At home, it was like walking on eggshells around my mom, and I have tried to learn to just be "myself", and to toughen myself up. I've always been a nice person, and it's hard, but I gotta look out for myself. I've spoken up to my mother, about various things and sometimes we wouldn't agree (most times). I would try to tell her that we were just different and to try to respect that, but it just black or white in her world, I'm right, you're wrong...I would get really upset and hate myself because she seemed so hurt that I would disagree with her, and I would feel guilty about it for days. I feel that I have failed in one of the most important relationships in my life, but I have to "move on". Some things you just gotta let go, but I feel like this failure is affecting all my other relationships as well.
I will try to talk to someone in mental health about these issues. My husband and I are trying to talk more about different things around the house and I made some deals with him about the housework. Let's see if this works...
Thanks again for listening...